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How to face ttcwith society and inlaws relatives. How people are face thesethings.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by injustice, Jan 25, 2012.

  1. injustice

    injustice Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I was in usa from 3 yrs.
    I am in ttc . Suddenly i may move india if atall no god grace.
    I am bit afraid with ttc to face society and inlaws and relatives sil.

    To be sure till today my inlaws never pointed me or did not say anything directly.

    But they showed many times in their actions and intheir talks.Which we can take positive and also negative. Obviously they dont like me coz i disappoointed them.

    I am sos cared to face people around .what if they ask me ? I dont mind people ask also but how can i should handle that situation i feel i am so over reacting.


    Is that so?
    I dont ahve my friends in india everyone settled in usa. So i dont have any career.as soon as studies i got married and settled in usa till today.

    I dont ahve hope i will get job and i am not much intelligent too.

    I cant go on carreer side.i cant be pregnant .how will be life in india?

    I am so afraid to come ?

    Even my inlaws , or my arents they may feel rit that i am not getting pregnant and so.

    My inalws many times told to my mom that your daughter have so many health issues you betrated us. She dont know how to talk and all.

    She always stop me going to baby showers and going to marraiges giving any tambulam to sil as she feels i am unlucky if i give nathing to anyone they may get badluck. Even mil neighbours too so. She always tell scoiety that my dil is infertilitty. Such a bad luck .she do lot of pooojas but she wont get anything.
    I,e that she tells all.

    I am so afraid to afce again such situations.

    Please share your any incidents happene and how you handled it?

    Oh god please show some grace on me.i am so afarid to go.

    They dont believe in god an dprayers i cnat continue my fastings my gym my poojas anything how?

    I am ok if i stay seperately bt my husband never go for it.

    My main bother is also i cnat do my poojas happily infront of them

    I cant. Do you guys face the same thong or am i over reacting?if yo dont mind please reply .
     
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  2. pumpkin01

    pumpkin01 Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: How to face ttcwith society and inlaws relatives. How people are face thesethings

    Hey injustice, first of lots of hugs...... don't feel so depressed. Though I was trying to conceive for a long time touch wood no one has ever said anything to me.... But I have always felt bad whenever I went India and people asked so when is the good news coming, I just used to say it'll happen, we were not trying earlier and now we are trying.

    I don't know the reason why you want to move to India but once you move to India, make some friend you don't need your old friends only. On whatever filed you have studied, apply for job and do appear interview that way you'll be busy and in interview places u'll be able to meet new people. Don't let your stress over power your strength. Just remember this is the tough time and you have to have faith on God apart from your treatment for infertility.

    Whether they believe or not on your pooja, don't let your confidence spoiled by others. why can't go to Gym dear, I think you should go that way you'll get some time for yourself.

    I didn't want to read and run, I hope our other ILites can share their experience. be happy and have faith on God. Lots of baby dust :)
     
  3. Subhaganesh

    Subhaganesh Gold IL'ite

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    Re: How to face ttcwith society and inlaws relatives. How people are face thesethings

    lots of hugs to u dear,
    don't feel depressed,
    tell everyone that " still we feel like newly married, so we will get baby when we need"
    do u think 3 years is long gap?... still u r newly married only...
    pray to god,faith on god brings u miracle soon...


    for ttc u need to be out of stress ,so be confident and be like deaf when somebody talks something about u...
    make a new circle and go out, plan for vacation places and have ur honeymoon, surely u will be blessed with baby soon.. my prayers for u....
     
  4. lmuppana

    lmuppana New IL'ite

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    Re: How to face ttcwith society and inlaws relatives. How people are face thesethings

    Hi,
    Please stop caring about what others say or think. Just feel pity for the people who criticize you, because they can't do anything better in life except that. Get your life in control first. You are intelligent enough to complete your studies, so you are definitely intelligent enough to get a job. Don't underestimate yourself. People working out there are not super smart. The more you get stressed about it, the more difficult it will be to get pregnant.
    Did you consult a fertility specialist? If not, first do that.
     
  5. cj1980

    cj1980 Gold IL'ite

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    Re: How to face ttcwith society and inlaws relatives. How people are face thesethings

    Injustice,

    I have been following your posts on the TTC forum and I know the struggles you are going through. Do you have any information about the visa problem you were facing that was making you consider coming back to India? I hope everything goes well with you.

    I have a few suggestions - am not sure how you're gonna take it, but I want you to know that I have your best interests at heart. So here goes:

    1. You need a radical change in YOUR MINDSET. You seem to be wallowing in self-pity and have made "having a baby" the be all and end all of life. Anytime you want something so bad that without it you decide you will never be happy, well...I guess you are setting yourself up for some serious disappointment. This will make you miss out on all the things that you DO have. My advice - stop having a pity party for yourself. Think positively that everything will go right for you. I am sure you are an intelligent and capable woman who needs a nudge in the right direction. So stop putting yourself down! Enjoy and appreciate what you have at the moment and leave the rest to Him.

    2. I know it is difficult to face the prying questions of relatives when you are struggling to conceive. Just tell them that you are waiting on God for the miracle and that you will let them know when it happens. Again, you must be confident and secure internally to not let insensitive talk get to you! Don't be afraid of people! The truth is the more scared you appear the more others will take advantage of your vulnerability. So own yourself with pride and have the courage to rise above these challenges. When you hold your baby in your hands, you can shout out "So there!" :)

    3. Try to live separately when you come down to India. If that is not possible, make sure your ILs know where to draw the line. Calling up your parents and saying they betrayed them by concealing your health issues is definitely overstepping the limit. So be firm yet polite and make it clear that you and your husband have a strong, loving, and secure relationship, whether you have a child or not. If things get out of hand, simply maintain a cordial distance from your ILs so that you can protect yourself from getting hurt repeatedly by their taunts and insensitive attitudes.

    As I always say, trust in God. I am sorry to say that most people expect God to give them whatever they want (and often right away!) and if they don't get it then they get mad at Him. I know and understand that every woman longs to have her baby...but I also know, after 2 years of TTC and being told that I had no chance of a natural conception, that having a baby is purely the grace of God. It is a gift from Him and, as with all gifts, we must wait until He is ready to give it to us. It is important to maintain an attitude of gratitude during the waiting period! Sometimes His answer may not be what we want to hear, but if you know God as a person you will know for sure that He will never do anything to harm you or hurt you. I hope you draw closer to God during this difficult phase instead of away from Him. Good luck.
     
  6. ladki1

    ladki1 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: How to face ttcwith society and inlaws relatives. How people are face thesethings

    Hi injustice....


    I have heard a lot of this temple ...(garbarakshambigai temple)....If you are coming to India..Do visit there....
    God will give u a nice baby.....

    Have faith

    Bye
     
  7. injustice

    injustice Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: How to face ttcwith society and inlaws relatives. How people are face thesethings

    Hi

    Thanks to all. For giving good support.thanks to pumpkin, cj 1980,immupanna,subhaganesh.

    Ladki thanks for info if i come india i will try to go gharbharakshambigai i have that in my list from very long back .

    Cj1980, thanks a lot for your reply. While reading your post i dobt know i feel so energetic.
    I dont know whether i will fel same energy there or not but now i feel ok.


    Thanks for your hugs subha and pumpkin.
    Impunna thanks for your support.

    Hope my visa gets solve and letgod stay me in abroad ipuntil i get my love in my hands.
     
  8. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: How to face ttcwith society and inlaws relatives. How people are face thesethings

    no one should be treated badly because thay don't have children. Becauseyou have children, you are not Goddess or Saint. Be strong. Have self confident. Let them say whatever they want. God will give you a child. If you have health issues, think about adopting. I have no idea what is TTC.

    I pray for you and Bless with my full heart. Study well and get a job. be independent.
    All the best!!!!
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: How to face ttcwith society and inlaws relatives. How people are face thesethings

    OK let me share something...
    In India if you've not had a baby/ concieved within a yr of marriage you might not be allowed to participate in so called auspicious functions... depending on the mindset of ppl you're married to or will have to live with.. they can be neighbours, colleagues, strangers etc etc. Sadly but you loose a newly married tag by first anniversary.

    Accept it as thought process of immature ppl.. if such things happen.. if you want to drop a tear.. do it.. after a while it shall be over... Whenever you feel really low with comments of ppl around you.. simply smile.. that so called PERFECT/ TIMELY/ LUCKY ppl... are preparing themselves for such situations for the next life by hurting others.

    Again.. STD stupid thought pattern... Your daughter had several medical issues..... a woman always has medical issues and the guy is perfectly reproductive even if the reports say reverse.. and the docs shall also not highlight it to the husband... in fear of him never returning and you being childless.

    Keep your calm... let yourself know whats right and keep making efforts. Docs want to help you at earliest.

    As of now your confidence levels have dipped to a negative.. there are sufficient dumb bimbettes sitting on top positions... being intelligent may be gud until schooling... but being effective and smart ..works there after.

    Many ppl have concieved even after a decade of their marriage from various tries and failures.
    Take help from whereever and whom ever you can... ppl may do best to hurt you for what you dont have but then you have to overlook all that.. look beyond and keep making efforts. Same ppl will be hiding their faces when you have your child.

    In your TTC pls get your's and partners genetic study done... when things are not clicking for unexplained reasons there's a lot store in your genetic coding. The chances of kids with disability is high with assisted methods... you're trying to bypass nature's rule.
     
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  10. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Re: How to face ttcwith society and inlaws relatives. How people are face thesethings

    You need to be strong and steady to face everything/everyone.
    Most of the in laws are like that, they will be looking ways to put us down or make us feel guilty for our actions. But having a kid is not in your hand... So, first of all, you need NOT to be sorry for NOT having a kid. Its not in your hands hence no need to feel guilty or cover your face with a helmet... NO!!!

    Try your best to stay in the US, so you dont need to face such hard people, but if there is a real need that brings you down (i mean to come to India), then make sure that you are strong enough to face them.

    I have a kid, I have a career and I have almost everything that a normal in laws expect from an Indian wife, but they still have reasons to hate me and find faults on me.. So, dont confuse yourself for not having a kid, but wait till it comes.

    If your MIL says that you are infertile and you bring bad luck, then ask her face to face that what is she expecting from you by talking like this? I mean you are on TTC, and that's the only way to have kids, that your MIL probably knows, right? Then what else she is expecting from you? May be meeting the God directly and ask him to give you a child right away? Its impossible na? They why she has to point this out all the time?

    You need to be open and pass this message to your MIL at least once when she starts insulting you, then eventually she will stop.. and the rest wil fall in peace.

    You need to be mentally happy to conceive a kid.. Such unwanted tensions are not going to do any favors to your TTC period.. Leave everything to the God... He will know when to give you a child... You are just an actor in the drama that is being directed by the God above... Tell this to your MIL in a polite but a strong tone.
     
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