How to deal with unsurities after marriage

Thanks all IL members for taking time and replying to my post.

Some of you have asked me wht has happened that I feel this way, even my husband told me that he did not realize that he had hurt me this much. So, I decided I would write the entire thing here, because yesterday I was destitute, but today I can see the picture clearly. Please bear in mind that this is not an effort to hurt my husband or to show him down. But, this is just to show my story and maybe other women can identify, or see the side of what an emotionally sensitive person goes through. Most of the times I see people telling someone that "Oh u r too emotional etc etc, u shd nt be" etc etc. But that does not work. Everyone is different, U can ask sensitive people to stop the way they think, but then u cannot ask them to continue to love u.

Thanks in advance for reading this, if you are going to:

My parents did not get along, so from class 4th I have seen them fighting, for issues like money, time etc. My father was never a kind of person who would spend time with his family meaning my mom, my brother and me. But, he will spend time with others like uncles,granparents etc. So, no I do not have even one memory that my father sat with me or my brother and asked us how our day at school was. And neither I have seen him talking nicely with my mom. He has either talked rudely with my mom, or made fun of her. And i rememeber my mom's face always sad and crying. In terms of responsibilities, my father always said to us that he didnot have money. But, magically he always had money to get things for his family, even so that he got his brother's daughter married, bought house for my grand parents. But, we never had a house or even money to buy nice things. My mom did not separate citing "log kya kahenge" and my mom's family always asking her to compromise. As a result, I and my brother at that age, everyday saw our parents fighting. Some days, I didnt even know if I will find my mom alive when I got back from school. It is easy to write this line now, but I still can remember waking up to hear them shouting and coming home with the scared feeling of seeing your mom dead at the of 9or 10.

This went on for a long time and you can imagine the insecurities that grew inside me. At that time my mom told me that I should never get married. And as a stupid optimist, I wanted to prove her wrong and show her that there is love in this world.

Next, during my undergrad, I was involved with one person, I dnt think I need to mention "only" emotionally, coz I am talking abt the time when it was a big thing to even hold hands, so leave anything else. It did not work, coz I later discovered that I was a bet for him, once the affair started that guy did not treat me well, utlimately after trying to make it work for long and in attempt to show to my mom(not that she knew) that love is possible for me, I broke off with him. After which he realized that he love me etc etc. But, I did not got back with him, coz I could not tolerate being mistreated again.

Next, I feel for a friend of mine, he was really a nice guy and I respected him a lot. I will not say it was love, it was more like, the past with love did not work, so next look for a guy who is very nice and mature human being. We did not think it would work, but it felt so nice being liked by someone who is a good human being. Ofcourse it did not work, as his parents did not accept this relation, coz he was younger to me (but we were in same class). Even though I was prepared, I was devastated. I think it is easier to hate/forget a person when he is wrong, but difficult when you knw he is right, but circumstances are not.

Few years passed, I decided to get married, an arranged marriage, we met and everyone thought it was right, so I thought ok, since my choices never worked for me, lets listen to what everyone thinks and go ahead with it. It was the worst of all, the guy was a complete mama's boy, he could not even take one decision on his own, he could not spend even a penny on me and lot of other things that made me realize that this guy is not the one.
What broke this relation was the monetory expectations from his family, including his sister and lastly him asking me to buy a car. That was too much for me to handle. I cannot respect people like these. Inspite of all my family's opposition, I broke this engagement. After few mnths, the guy wanted to get back with me, but without standing up to his family.

Okay, so after this I took a long break and did not want anything to happen for some time. Then my husband came to my life. He was with me in college, we had known each other for couple of mnths as friends, perhaps both of us liked each other but nothing materilized as he did not knw what he wanted to do in future. But, I knew, and even my male friends told that he is a nice guy. So, he sends me this request to his blogs where he mentions me indirectly, expressing that he still remembers me etc etc. So, after few mnths of getting in touch, he was in US and I was in India, we decided to get married. His parents did not agree first, as I am not a brahmin. But he convinced and we got married. The reasons I decided to get married was because I though i knew he was a nice person, he has remembered me for last 4 years etc etc.

Before taking decision, I told him what has happened with me since college, abt my engagement and dowry etc. And I told him that I will not marry if smthg like this happens.
He assured me and then we got married. Additionally, I told him abt my past and told him I needed a happy family.

Right from day 1, wrong things (from my perspective) started happening. What I dreaded the most happened, and the assurance that he gave me was not true. So, at this point, the first day of my marriage, can u imagine what I would have felt. I broke an engagement and handled all the taunts etc for this day. And at this time, you turn to ur husband to ask abt the assurrance that he gave you. So what answer should you get ? What I got was "Really did I say anything like that to u? I did not remember". That was day 1 of my marriage and of my heart break. I stood there thinking the maturity of this guy, who told me assured me and then FORGOT. (I am not going into details about what else happened, as I have complained abt his family to him many times and at this point of time I do not want to disrespect them, and I do not even knw if our marriage will work so leave rest.)
But, yes in more than one accounts I realized that he is not a person who takes even these important things seriously. I did not expect him to fight and create a scene, BUT I expected him to ATLEAST say something to his parents. But now I understand, the problem is that he did not have an opinion, so how can one say anything if he does not have an opinion. He sees his parents doing smthg he thinks its ok. So, my first and major problem with him is his lack of opinion and accepting whatever is happening.

So, after all this I come to US. I am completely excited about new life, place, but that he is working, he gets tired, and I am at home so I have energy at the end of the day. As a wife I expect him to spend time with me, take me out, ATLEAST on weekends. But, that did not happen, reasons range from the fact that he is tired, no places in detroit to go to etc. The only thing he wantd was food and relaxed time at home watching TV, with or without me. Everytime to go out, I had to cry and fight. My second problem with him, lack of excitement for life. This seems stupid reason, but when everyday you spend starting out of a window looking at snow covered streets, and when you husband does not gives you time at home or taked you out, then everyday you regret your decision.

When you get married to a guy who is 27 and is working in US, you tend to expect that this person will think about your future and how to secure it with investments etc. So, he asked me one year between our engagement and marriage, so that he can save. The second day of my marriage he was telling me about his pay and how much we will have to spend. And to my astonishment, the day I landed here I got to know that he has to pay money on
his credit card. As a result, there is money for people in India, but no money for investments, or going for honeymoon. Still after much convincing he took me to HM.

So, with the above-mentioned problems, all the expectations that I had from my husband were all down the dumps. Ofcourse, I am writing this now without much of emotions, but everyday of my first year of married life I have spent crying and repenting.

Next, my husband wanted me to do MS, so I started looking for colleges, I got admit in a univ close to him, one very good univ, but both without funding. So, a guy who is ready to spend money on his siblings, finds it difficult to support me for my studies and as a result, I am sent to the other end of the country coz I have funding there. It pinches me till date, that it pained him so much to pay for my studies that sending me way did not matter to him. Also, we were not getting along, we fought about all the issues possible, so I guess he wanted a break too.

These two years of study went better than the one and half year of living together, as we did not meet a lot, so the chances of fights were less. But still we did have fights specially coz of his family. My time in my college was not good, I failed to get internship or a job.
So in summer this year, I thought I will go and live with him, also he insisted. Well, all I would say is that it was much worse than before. He used to be always worried about getting a job in CA. Even for going to go for grocery he used to get angry, to summarize I regretted every day. And on top of it, he used to share with his mom that abt my job. And she used to tell me that he is worried abt that. Not once, I brought the topic of his family, as I was recuperating from my failures and just wanted to be happy being in home. Still, we used to have fights, for things like, why is he not happy, why is he angry etc. These fights increased so much, that I told him that I wanted to kill my self. It is hurting to know that even after two years living seprate and giving your husband the time he wanted, still he treats you like this. For small things he used to fight and argue unnecessarily.

All this happened until the last fight, when I just asked him why didnt he call his mom today, implying that he did not talk infront of me with his mom. Everyday he talks in my absence, just one day I asked him why didnt he call today as we were together. Hell broke loose that day, he said so many things to me and called my family telling that he does not want to stay with me. He apologized later though.

So, right now I am a person who neither has a job and nor has a husband who loves me. Even after 4 years of marriage, there is no understanding or love or even trust. Again, my attempt to show my mom, that love can exist for me failed, miserably.

He has finally gotten a job in CA, so he is happy I assume. I am busy with defending my MS. Now that i have come to my univ, I am having doubts abt going back and staying with him, hence all this discussion. The two times I lived with him, turned to be bad for me (for him also).

Isnt spending 4 years in marriage enough to knw whether this is right or wrong ?

What have I done in my life that I should live life with a guy who does not care abt my emotions. Long ago I stopped saying I love u to him or be physically close, and he was never concerned. Now, he says that he didnt realize that he has hurt me so much. If this was someone, who did not know what I have gone through, and wud have done this, I could have justified his behavior. But, he knew everything abt my past and still. And it has been 4 years. I do not want to relive my mother's life everyday and then bring a new life in this world and make him/her go through what I have gone through. If my husband values his job, family, more than me, then let it be. I do not want to suffer everyday of my life, seeing the person I care abt mistreating me or not giving me the place/love/respect that I deserve.

Maybe, I cannot express my hurt in words, but I am shattered with failed attempts of finding love, and I am filled with so much resentment against my husband that i cannot even explain. Instead of spending each day cursing him, I want to let go and attain peace in my life. I do not think god sent me in this world, to suffer or to make others suffer, instead he sent me to do good in life, and that may not be being a wife or mother. Just for people, or society I cannot live with a guy and spend each day repenting.

 

For those who have suggested that we should talk and try to change, We have done that for past 4 years. I have always believed that one should frankly express emotions in a relationship, so that the other person knows what to do and what not to do. I think I am tired of giving this relation chances and trying to make it work. Earlier, it was for sake of love, but now I only feel hurt. Also, he is not a kind of person who will make an effort, especially with his new job he will be busy. (I do not consider buying gifts, an effort). Even if I lower my expectations, he will not have any energy to make ammends. And also I am not ready to compromise, either I want to be loved/cared as a wife or nothing. I cannot allow him to take me for granted.

 

My husband's opinion is that he wants to make it work, he thinks that now that we are in a better location, we will have better life and meet more people, that will make our life better. I do not agree with that, avoiding our problems by not addressing them and including more people in our life is not going to make life better. Moreover, I cannot face another day, when for one small thing I say abt his family, he calls my family and tells that this is not gng to work and can easily separate. And then again apologize and try to make things fine.

 

Thanks Pretty84, for your reply.
The thing is that for past 4 years I have been telling him what exactly I want and expect to come over my insecurities. At that time, he says he will do that, but later he still does or does not do what he promised.
I do not understand why he thinks that he can get away with everythg by just saying sorry and that I will always stay with him, no matter how he treats me.

 

Even after posting this message, still I thought may be I am thinking too strict, so I call my husband. He calls me back, defending himself, shouting at me, not even for once, asking me how I feel. I agree that he would have been angry, but atleast when u are on brink of breaking up the relation, cant u atleast show some sympathy. I didnt atack him.
I feel even if I am gravely hurt or even dying, he wont say a single nice line to me to make me feel better.

I just cant give this person another chance.

 

Thanks Suma n Megalife,

I am going to think more abt this probably with a clear mind. It is difficult to separate both. I think every time he does smthg wrong I compare him with my father and that is why I get so angry and hurt. It reminds me of the pain I went through wen I was a child. I find it difficult to remember the good things that he does, All I see is the bad things.

I need to rethink all of this, with a clear mind.

Thanks all for your comments, I will get back.