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How to deal with unsurities after marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by jubilant, Dec 4, 2011.

  1. jubilant

    jubilant New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I have been married for last 4 years, out of which for two years I was studying and living in a different town. In these 4 years, we have had fights like every couple and on topics ranging from in-laws to going out etc.

    Except, that the last fight that we had, we were ready to part. Except that later my husband stopped me, and apologized for his wrong behavior (Not going into details here).

    My problem is that I am unsure whether I want to be with him for rest of my life. There was a time when I was sure that I wanted to spend my life with him and that is why I left India\job\family, just to be with him.
    But now, I am not sure. Sometimes, I think if I had a job and was independent, I would have never stayed with him. It is not that he is not nice, but because he has hurt(emotionally) me so much in the past 4 years, that I cannot trust him ever again, so forget love. I do not feel any emotional or physical attachment.

    Even if I stay with him, I do not know if I want to have kids with him. In case I do for some reason, I feel I should ask him to promise me that in case we separate, he will never take kids from me.

    I cannot decide if the last 4 years was mistake and whether I should continue this mistake, or change my life.
    Do any of you ever thought like this ?
    Or am I thinking too much ?

    Please help !!
     
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  2. Jananikrithsan

    Jananikrithsan Gold IL'ite

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    Go back home wherever that is spend a couple of months there and then with a clear mind you can decide!
    Or if you think nothing is going to change then whatever final course of action you want to take you can do it!
     
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  3. inlovewithmylyf

    inlovewithmylyf Platinum IL'ite

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    Here, u have not even mentioned what exactly is ur problem with ur husband... Don't have to, if ur not comfortable... But whatever be ur problem, sit in a place peacefully n think well before u come to any decision... All th best!!!
     
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  4. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Jubilant,

    If you thought of leaving him then still thr is a mental torture - i am facing so much caused by my parents and relatives after taking divorce..u become more sensitive to things if divorce happens..Aganin after divorce finding a better guy is a big question mark - as not all men hav open mind to accept, not all women are fortunate to have love marriage after divorce.

    Try to find some job instead of depending on him be it small or big..u will get confidence..
    If he is comitted to u and no physical abuse involved then to some extent u can think of compromise.
     
  5. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    When you are in a tough situation, first thing your mind would want is to come out of it. You won't be able to think anything beyond that. Why don't you take a break and decide? Try staying away from him either in India or some other relatives house there. It can help you find what you want.
     
  6. pretty84

    pretty84 New IL'ite

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    Jubliant,

    This is a normal thinking within any couple during the course of life. You have not revealed yours is either arranged or love marriage. In any case you have a slight percentage thinking to continue with him. Do not put off the light since it is dim. Try to pour oil in your lamp and enlight your future with happiness to continue married life. The oil now needed is trust. Family is a trust, where husband wife and children are the members of it. The problem you have is you are slowly loosing confidence. Next time when such thought comes into your mind, do not nurture it rather think how to improve the trust. First of all both of you should live in ONE HOME is the basic funda behind to build the trust.

    Think that after you depart from him, what will be your fate and your hubby's fate, assuming that neither of you have any other EMA at the moment. Even if you have, it may not long last for years together. Thereafter, Sorry to use this word, both of you will be recognized in the society as second hand, which will be painful all through your life. Unless a male has absolute physical disability to continue to fulfill the biological duties as a husband, the girl should not think of a second marriage. Money is secondary. You can lead peaceful life within the money earned by any one of you.

    My first suggesion is buy a home in joint name of you and your hubby and live in that house together for atleast one year and tell us about your feedback by December 2012.

    Best wishes,
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2011
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  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    what is it that made you loose the trust on him? and what is it that he has done that has hurt you badly? just give a slight info to us so that lets check if ther eis anything that can be done to regain the trust....give info on whats your husband take on all this? what is his b ehaviour now or in the past or you are expecting in future?

    yes one good decision you made is..about not having kids atleast at present....because this entire situation becomes more complex and emotional when kids are involved...and kids dont deserve this heartache n pain...so just put a hold on having kids until you figure out your emotions.
     
  8. Megalife

    Megalife Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Jubilant
    For starters, there's nothing called a perfect-couple (ever lovy-dovy, never fighting types), nor is there something called a perfect marriage, you seem pretty matured from your post; so i am pretty sure that you do not have your head in the clouds. Every once in a while, there are marriages which get sour as vinegar over the years or fine like an old wine! If things are unbearable isn't it better to pull the trigger now rather than with a child involved? The presence of a child might bridge the gap to a major extent but then, parenting involves a lot of understanding, compromises from both parents concerned. If you both are really uncomfortable with each other, I'm not too sure if that comfort zone will be created with the arrival of a kid. Do look out for some kind of a job as the first step, and then with a change of environment you might be able to view things with a merrier perspective.Be Jubilant, as you name suggests.
    Mega
     
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  9. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    such problems are pretty common in marriage which had a long distance relationship at some point of time.since your dh apologized and doesn't want to part ways with you it looks like he is a sensible guy and doesn't get carried over by emotions.sit back and think.think about good and bad qualities in both of you and then think about those things that you want to change.talk about this to your dh discuss about your life.things will smooth out once you guys start developing that intimacy.good luck.
     
  10. disillusion

    disillusion Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Jubilant,

    I noticed you are in Michigan and you have had a situation where you wanted to leave the house. If you have been in any kind of abusive situation you can contact Haven (Oakland county) or Turning Point (Macomb) or First Step (Wayne) They have support groups and counselors who can help you. There is also MAI family services for Asian Indians and they have social workers you can talk to. They can also give you referrals for counselors and lawyers.
     

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