1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

How to deal with this kind of Co-sister --- Plz Help

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Sandy12, Apr 8, 2010.

  1. Sandy12

    Sandy12 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi All,

    I pray god that no one should come across a situation like mine.
    We got married a couple of years ago. I married a guy whose co-sister also studied in the same college, who had a love affair with a guy and done dating for more than 3 years. Finally her parents didnt allow, threatened her and married her with an innocent guy (My BIL). After that when my marraige was getting settled she tried a hell lot of tricks to avoid me and said my DH many times that i am not a gud fit for my DH and she will find some nice girl to my DH . But since my husband and his family members liked me sooo much, my marraige was finalized. Before marraige i thought of not telling this affair to anyone including my husband. By then i didnt know that my DH is soo attached to his bro's family. After my marraige she started playing tricks. She want to secure her life. So she want to create distance between brothers saying all non sense on my husband like my DH didnt listen to their words in marraige and took his own decision. Her husband is a wife guy. He will nodd everything what all his wife says.

    So he stopped talking with my DH and maintaining distance. After my marraige i was in India for a couple of months and my husband came US. Right the next day after marraige my husband is saying that his bro and SIL is not talking with him like before. The same thing he was saying for more than 5 months even after coming to US. Whenever he called me, in a conversation of 30 minutes he used to say the same for 20 minutes. So one day i got frustrated and told about her affair to my DH

    How every husband feels in this situation?

    In my opinion, every DH feels possessive about his wife. Because having an illegal affair to SIL is not wife's mistake right.But he did reverse. He found the mistake of his SIL and the reason why she is creating distance between brothers. So he pretended as if he does not like me or not close to me infront of SIL.After I came to US, whenever she come to me or she called me, my DH used to scold me infront of her and i can see the happiness in her face. After she left, i asked my husband what mistake did i do. Everytime he told me that his SIL will be happy when he scolds me and dont let his brother separated from him.This is happened a couple of times.

    Doesnt it look like non sense?

    After some days she came to a conclusion that our relationship is not good and started telling all complaints on me to my DH.My DH nodded his head and scolded me and beated me for several times taking her word. Everytime when we quarrelled he used to say that his relationship with his brother's family got spolied since the day i came. What did i do. I have gone this situation for couple of years and got separated from my husband as i cannot take this pain anymore. I dont want to go to him as the same thing will continue.

    If my DH want relation with his SIL so strong, he would have marries his SIL rahter than me. Then he can build his relation with his SIL right

    Recently, my co-sister sent an email showing her anger by asking that why did i came out without telling anything to her and warned me in all the ways she can.

    How to handle a situation like this. It is heart burning for me. All the day i was thinking how my life got spoiled due to her mistake.:drowning i dont know how my mental condition will be with this kind of thinking. But i want to give reply to her email in a way that she deserve.

    I need ILites advice plz. Whether i can give reply or not

    Thanks in advance
     
    Loading...

  2. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,599
    Likes Received:
    750
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    You have left your husband now and your Co-SIS emailed you saying why you didnot tell her that you were leaving - Right.
    OK JMo- you don't have to reply to her. Who cares what she emails now. Its your life and you walked out on an abusive husband who was scolding and beating you to keep his SIL happy and brother attached to him.
    Your husband is insecure he doesnot have his priorities right.
    Ignore the barking dogs. You have to be with peace with yourself.
    Good Luck
     
  3. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,599
    Likes Received:
    750
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    Also,
    She might just be causing more problems. If you reply something in writing they can use that against in the court of Law.
     
  4. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    365
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    Your dh needs to realize his loyalty and responsibility is towards YOU, not his bratty sil. Warn him that if he ever nods his stupid head one more time while his sil is bad mouthing you, you will go straight to his parents and tell them what type of affair this girl had and that now she is causing big problems between you and your dh, and that your dh is scolding and beating you. Usually I don't advocate going to parents/inlaws, but if there is physical violence involved, and since his parents like you, they might be able to talk sense into your husband and keep you safe.

    You can also tell your husband that if he is interested in dumping you to marry his sil and steal his brother's wife, then he should do that. But under no circumstances should he be letting another woman walk all over you, and to top it off, beat you upon her insistance. Ridiculous! Remind him YOU ARE THE WIFE, she is a nobody compared to you. This has gone on way too long, and frankly, it sounds really odd that a husband would take up for his brother's wife before his own wife. VERY STRANGE!

    p.s. I didn't realize you had already left!!! If that's the case, are you going for divorce? Does his family know what this sil is up to? What does your bil think of his wife's antics???
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2010
  5. Sushmakiran

    Sushmakiran New IL'ite

    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Sandy,

    Dont loose ur heart, and why did u come out of the relationship because of that wicked women, there is nothing that u did, anyways, i think the best thing to do it get all the family members together,ur DH, SIL, BIL, ur MIL & FIL if possible and tell what all u know about her, tell them that she didnt wanted u to be married into her family from begining, explain how ur DH would shout at u in front of her just to make her happy (this is not acceptable) specially for no mistake or ur's, tell ur BIL that she is playing games with u and ur DH, and ur DH in insecure of loosing his brother and is supporting his SIL in abusing u which is not fair.

    Tell me what kind of a relationship both the brothers have if a girl from no were marries and comes and breakes their relationship, are the brothers love towards each other so weak that anyone can come in between, i completely understand that after marriage husband should give first preference to his wife and that's what ur BIL is doing, then what about ur DH, his first preference should also be u, so be brave and fight ur own battle.

    if ur DH is so dedicated towards his Brother and his wife, then he should have not married any girl and spoil her life, he should have just stayed unmarried and devote his whole life in brother's and SIL's bhakti, sorry, i am getting little frustated here.

    So talk to ur husband that it is not correct on his part to abuse u just to make ur SIL happy specially after knowing her past, i dont say everyone doest not have a paste, all have crushes and affairs in college days, but just to secure her life she is making ur life a hell, which is not fare, if she is so truthfull then why dint she tell her affair to her husband before marriage and then get married, so u be brave and dont care for her words and e-mail, who is she to threaten u or warn u, u go back to ur home, to ur DH with all due respect and rights, if someone has to go then it should be her and not u, being a girl how can she do something to another girl.

    Go girl, fight ur battle and win over her!

    Good Luck.
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,469
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear,

    I beleive there was something not handled property from beginning.It could be you or your husband or it could be a combination of both.

    Where does you co-sister family live.Does your BIL came to know your co-sister affair or not?

    From your post I understand yourself don't have good impression on your co-sister just because she had an affair.Lot of people do hope to get marrried and things won't work out and get married to some other person and move on with lifes.
    So we don't have keep openion on some person as bad person just becuase of they have some affair.

    Some men really wanted to show off before some women and that's what your husband doing.Beleive they will not have control in that situation.

    It looks to me your Co-sister had stronger personality then your BIL and you have weaker personality than your husband.
    Whoever have upper hand in a relation they misuse other people basic rights.

    before marraige itself,you should have talk with co-sister or your co-sister should have talk with you and should have tell that it's between both of you then she would felt of confident for not disclousing her affair in the family.

    But now things went far away.My advise don't reply anything to your co-sister.Where are you right now.Does your in-laws or your parents know about this war.
    I think you all of you settled this matter in civil manner.
    See you have any options to settle this matter.
     
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    957
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    First thing is...

    Talk to your co-sister. TEll her upfront to stay away from your life and your DHs life and that you have nothing to do with her except to look at her as co-sis. Forget about what affairs she had when she had with whom she had (sometimes we women tend to concentrate and make a big deal about someother womans past its sickening. )

    Just because she is a nut case or is giving tough time to you, doesnt give you any right to talk about her past life. Might be she is doing all this for the same reason..as you know her past, she wants to keep you out so that her marriage is intact.

    Now next thing is..handle your husband. Tell him about your co-sisters fears and why cant he be calm for a while. And first try to be a good husband and slowly things would fall in place. No relationship can exist with force. Relationships are made and nurture out of love not out of forcing or fighting. So no matter how much ever he forces himself on his brother or cosister, he would just be treated like a joker or a puppet not like a man. So tell him to growup and be a man.

    Warn him that if he insults you or shouts at you infront of Co-sis, next time things would be handled very severely and that you would retort back at him right infront of her.

    What is more important for your husband? his marriage or his brothers marriage and relationship? figure this one out with your husband.

    Please STOP TALKING about your co-sisters past. and also give her that confirmation that you have got nothing todo with her past and you are glad that you have a friend as a co-sis.

    Also deal with your husband...not with your SIL. Ignore any of the emails she sends to you. dont respond as again they would be interpreted in a wrong way. Did your husband contact you after you left him??? what his take on all this?
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2010
  8. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,263
    Likes Received:
    33
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,
    I think your co-sis is being defensively offensive. She went to the same school as you and realizes that if you told exposed her pre-marital relationship within your in-laws family it will show her in poor light and cause problems for her. IMO, that is why she was against you right from the beginning and that is why she tried to create distance between the brothers(so that even if you told your husband, your husband will not conduct it to his brother). I think it is that insecurity that is causing her to behave like this.

    I do find it abnormal that your husband is so much under the control of his sil that he will physically abuse you and be willing to separate from his own wife based on words by his sil. It is quite odd.

    What did your co-sis say against you to cause this kind of reaction? Also, do you want to live with a such an immature guy?
     
  9. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    782
    Likes Received:
    464
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Sandy12,

    I think you need to do the following..
    1. Reply the e-mail of your Co-sis
    2. Send another e-mail to your husband

    Email Reply to Co-sis with cc to her husband and bcc to your PILs - 'Dear Co-Sis , I do understand your concern for our relation.. But i dont get your point in asking me to take your persmission.. I need not take your permission as i am responsible for my life.. As for the warnings, if you are intending to threaten me, then i am sorry, i give a damn to it.. I know true to my heart that i have not offended or conspired against anyone, so please donot use loose tactics to scare me by stupid warnings..
    Also, if you really want to help us, then please do me a favour - stay out of our relationship.. Donot interfere between me and my Husband.. We know how to handle our relation'..


    The e-mail to your husband - ' Dear Husband, I would like to know straight from your heart, what is your commitment towards our marriage.. Could you think calmly and tell me how i have damaged your relation with your brother.. Are they so important to you than your own family?.. I am not trying to spoil your relation with your bro's family.. I expect some kind of maturity and commitment from you towards our relation.. Dont you think it would be better if we concentrate on our family first and then mend any broken relation with bro's family.. Do think and reply'

    Sandly, send those two e-mails.. Then see their reaponse towards it..

    All the best:)
     
  10. kinjal

    kinjal Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    393
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    already you got so many good suggestions from ILs.
    I think you do not owe any explanation to your co-sis. Dont even reply to her email. If i were you i would even block her from my inbox.

    You need to talk to your DH. Ask him how did you spoil his relationship with his brother. Ask him what is important to him...his own family or his brother family.

    Big NO to physical voilence. Tell your DH clearly that if next time he humiliate you or beat you because of your co sis, you will make her affair public.

    Never ever take any physical voilence from anyone.
     

Share This Page