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How To Deal With This ? Issue With Mom's Comparison.

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Mylifeatusa, Apr 1, 2019.

  1. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes. This is reality.

    Relationships sour (perhaps they had been sour already, and that gets exposed) when there are clumsy requests for money. And whether or not any money is transferred, the strained relationship would remain, and so would the insufficiency of the money (if) that was sent.

    The persons who had asked might have already answered that "what have I got to lose?" question, and had owned up the consequences.
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2019
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  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, What I understood is that your mother request you to sell the land back at a lower price. May be she wants to keep all property as family property like it was before.

    One of my friend was asked by her mom to sell her share to her brother in a lower price. She agreed as it will be preserved like before. But what happened ? Her brother faced buyers remorse and mother pretended like she didn't have any idea. Brother felt later he could have got it for even lower prices. She felt really bad. Anyway she bought another property so the money was invested wisely.

    If you think it can be like an one time deal -sell it at a lower price and stop helping them financially like you do now. Your mother should not as again to help your brother and sil. I think it's a good idea. If you go for it, make sure everyone agrees with the price and the issue will be solved for ever. You can invest that money to buy some other property.

    Who will take care of your property's after 10 or 20 yrs. if you dont like the idea of giving the land back, tell your mom,your Dh and PILs dont like it and you can't do anything. Try to avoid discussion about money. Also dont share every financial details and invest ments with them as it may elevate comparisons.
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2019
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  3. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree . I feel your parents have done enough for u,and if you change your perspective u wont be so resentful.
    On top of that, your parents have given property as dowry.I feel dowry is evil of society .. Whoever takes care of parents in old age might inherit their property later-that's a different matter- but parents should not be deprived of their property while they are alive -it's their security in old age.

    You are thinking too technically - that a gift given now belongs to you and should not be asked back -that is absolutely correct.But also try to think emotionally- why they are feeling insecure now- is it they are growing older and brother is complaining that he alone has to take care PHYSICALLY -then better you give them back their property so they can get some sense of security for their future without having to beg anyone? Try to find solution to these problems-reassure them that you will also take care of them physically in old age - to not be insecure.
    You have no entitlement upon their property - It was not rightfully yours in the first place- so just let it go and keep peace in the family is my suggestion. Don't think about price and all this w.r.t parents .You can cut down /stop sending money if you want but don't hold on to their property either.
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2019
  4. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Think of rising above the petty comparisons that your parents are doing. Give the land back to your parents (for free) to dispose as they wish. Imagine that you never got it.
    If you accept a payment they will claim that you got fair payment and it was no big deal.
    If your husband doesn't agree to this, inform parents that you want to keep the link to the place you grew up in and you don't feel ready to cut the connection. When you are ready to sell, you will consider giving it to your brother.

    Cut back on ritualistic gifting. Send money only to your parents needs and luxuries once in a while. Gift your brother's family only when you feel like doing it and not due to pressure from your parents.
     
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  5. Mylifeatusa

    Mylifeatusa Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you everyone for responding and insights. I have decided to give the land back at 10 yr old market price and my brother paying 50% now and 50% after 8 months. Made my DH and FIL agree to it.

    Hopeful that its going to solve all comparison issues and make everyone happy.

    Thanks again.
     
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  6. Mylifeatusa

    Mylifeatusa Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you DDream. I did a mistake sharing every single financial detail with my mom.Never realized that it is going to create comparisons until latest episode. At one point my mom mentioned everything we own out of anger, then I realized that I should not have shared all those in the first place. But who else is there for me to share such detail except mom :(
     
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