How to deal with stubborn Sister

mythi · Oct 16, 2012

Hi All,

I have been in IL for long time by just going through posts. But this is the first time am seeking advice. Sorry for long post, but am totally confused and don’t know how to handle my younger sister.
She is 4 yrs younger to me and am 26 now and somehow settled in professional life and not in personal life. Since childhood all my relatives used to praise me for my education(I used to be topper in the class) and told her to achieve the same. I understand, because of this she got inferiority complex) . Until her 10th std, am her role model also and everything was going smoothly. In her 10th std, some of her friends used to tell her that she resembles some actress , which made her to fly over the sky. After 1 year, I came to know through my tuition girls(I used to take tuition from my college 1st yr as we lost our father, to support the family financially) , that she was in love with one local guy. She also accepted it, and said she will leave that. Actually we lost our father when she was in 7th std, so mom used to worry much abt her.

From her college days, she always argues for simple things and we will leave her thinking she is too young to understand. After her graduation, she was studying ICWA course, later she said not interested and left that too. Now from the past 6 months, she is working in one private company as front office executive which is walk able from our house. She completely changed after joining there. Always talking in phone(simple chat only) for hrs to guys. Am also staying outstation because of my job. Mom and she are stays together. If mom asks, what&whom you are talking for so long hrs, she will not eat. She started following this for all smaller things. Always says to my mom that, you both are not trusting me, because of the previous incident. Also, elder daughter is only needed for you, because she is earning good . Now one guy from her office who left the company before 1month to some other country, sent her laptop as gift which is nowhere needed to her. She just wants it , to chat with him. I jsut asked politely that, Is she interested in him. But she refused saying he is her brother only. She gets very aggressive and shouts by standing in front of office telling that she will commit suicide, just waiting for my marrige to get over. Am not sure, how to deal with her. Initially I thought to take her to psychiatrist, but she will not come am sure about it.
She never listens to any of our words. She is good only with her friends(who praises her) , mostly guys(who is openly flirting) and not others. Also, she complains about me and mom to all relatives, telling we abuse her. Am totally lost and not able to concentrate on anything now, also worried much about my mom, who is physically weak ,also undergoing mental pressure because of my marriage delay and mainly because of her.

I never said , talking with guys is wrong. Being in IT Industry, I know it is common. But she is talking to the guys who praises her beauty. I feel this will cause her some pbm in future.. Please, suggest some good ideas to bring her into normal life.

SGBV · Oct 16, 2012

She is not having any psychological issues, but indeed she is acting as if she is psychologically weak (Attempting to commit suicide for minor things).

She is acting for sure. She wants you and your mom to keep quite and let her dance as per her own tunes. Which is dangerous, considering her age and family situation.

Gifting a laptop to a sister kind of a friend is uncommon. I wouldn't do that for sure.
Either the guy is interested in your sister, if not for deep love, just for flirting at least ( I found that your sister is beautiful enough to attract more men) OR both the guy and your sister are in some sort of a relationship.

Please find that out, and if they are compatible enough, you better let them continue - of course with both families acceptance. If not, then its your time to find alternate ways to correct her.

After all, she is an adult. So, as a sister you do not have much choice in this regard

ushamv · Oct 17, 2012

Hello Mythi,
From your mail I gather that you are a responsible person and quite committed to your mom and sister. And you have chosen the straight and hard working path to become what you are. So it is natural for you to feel bad for your sister whom you think may be going off on a wrong path. One of the best things you can do is to really listen to her as to why she is accepting gifts, why she is threatening suicide etc. Sometimes deep inferiority complex may be making her seek attention. So just listen to her and if possible see what is bothering her. She may not be ready to listen to your advice at all. But just be there for her. You cannot do anything more. After all it is her life and her decisions to make. At least from your end you would have felt that you have tried your best.
Do not worry too much about marriage. when it will happen, it will happen. Certain things are not in your hand and this is one of them. And please don't feel guilty or responsible that you are adding to your mother's issues. There is no way to speed up such things like marriage. And do not in any way feel bad when your sister talks about your delayed marriage. There is a saying,
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Best of luck.
Regards
Usha