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How To Deal With Resentment Of Family Expenses In India

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Benadryl, Jan 4, 2018.

  1. RealisticMe

    RealisticMe Junior IL'ite

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    Thumbs up for awesome sense of humor.
     
  2. September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

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    90k is not appropriate---its about the same my husband has done in just a few short years. And yes they live in a better home than us.... we are still living in a small apt while they have the huge Condo in India. What you are feeling is the TRUTH. Don't be hard on yourself and don't ignore it. You know what the truth is---listen to it. I suggest since you have been doing this since you are 16 that for once in your siblings lives that they combine their earnings for an apartment or house and take care of the parents. You have done it for decades! Enough. Your siblings need to take responsibility---why is it always up to one person in the family? You have expenses and a future to worry about---my husband said the same that he would not expect his progeny to support us when we are old---yet he gave all to his family---makes no sense. How much money does it take to earn their love....it shouldn't depend on that period.
    It won't be worth having good name with your family and you and your family are homeless. It's up to you to break the vicious cycle. I don't know what it will take for my husband to wise up---I fear being a widow with kids as my husband is working to death and THEY couldn't be happier.

    My husband unfortunately is the only son with leech sisters---+parents who constantly involve him in his irresponsible pet 2nd elder sister's spoiled 2x married life.
    My husband is living your life--- he will be 36 this year--my FIL gave all his money to is leech daughter who married terribly for the 2nd time to another leech all because she goes crying then my in-laws come crying to DH and the rest is history. DH will say he can't save money because of them (parents) but doesn't dare to say so since "Then they will feel bad or think badly about us" As if that is a reason? It just feels like my husband is their property and not a human being for them.
    Whatever they do--- they can do no wrong.
    He continues to send funds. I feel I may wind up a widow. He doesn't take care of himself when he is at work. Only eats when he comes home---for the 1st time in a day....
    I am relieved to know that some Indian men see the light! It gives me some hope!
    He has spent 4.5 years of our marriage fulfilling their needs above things that he could have achieved sooner had he prioritized his marriage. He told the truth at 4.5 years (when I left the WhatsAppgroup I demanded that he tell the truth---we have so much problems between us due to them yet they are not allowed to know?) of how his sacrifices for them negatively affected our marriage and all they could say was "It's a misunderstanding" Years of "misunderstandings"....right.... He claimed they wanted to "resolve" yet hearing how they replied to DH tells me they will never change and feel justified since they onlyl have 1 son.

    He has paid for his sister's 2nd marriage---they his parents and BIL told him it was for 1 thing and they bait and switched him--- he never wanted to pay for her 2nd marriage this was in 2011 and they claimed intentions to pay back and until now have not done so + when we weren't even married 1 year his sister stayed with us for 3 weeks of hell--- for nothing they only struggled 1 year in USA and returned since they couldn't take it---the way my husband has since 2005 in USA. He's a survivor.

    DH put BIL on his insurance in Jan 2014 so they could work in USA yet when they couldn't manage we had to spend $1000 for a train down south to pick up the car since they were going back to India and the car was in DH name. He's purchased 2nd business for his father just 2 months before our marriage in 2012 (I found out at the end of the 1st year of marriage to my horror by accident when I was looking for my bank info) After FIL got the money--- only then he asked if we were planning for a baby I blew up like a volcano when DH told me this---my husband's reply "I can't... I just gave you money"
    In 2013 we went to India and I lost my insurance since I left the country. It's always their feelings above us. In 2014 we went India again and DH put me in a position to participate in a ritual when I am not a Hindu. That was a turning point---their feelings above me again. It really made me feel my husband doesn't care about me at all---all for fear of them being angry at him.

    You see we have no children due to trust being broken between us repeatedly over the years.
    He bought them a condo in July of 2014 on top of it all his sister asked for his credit card info in Feb of 2016 "to get her music out of her iphone" and I just couldn't take it anymore---I left the group on WhatsApp "out of the blue" his father's response "That's your sister" as if she has more priority than our marriage.

    We just made 5 yrs of marriage and I want a family but I am afraid of the hold they have on him. He has admitted they have hurt him and myself yet still fears losing his family when they cost him so much emotionally and financially.

    When his sister was staying with us we didn't get along (passive agressive behavior on her part since I exercised much restraint as my husband at that time was not confrontational and without his support it could have been worse) after that the family cut me off for two years which hurt both of us but it was as nothing for my DH. I have heard 5 different excuses as to why all of which sound like poo poo and excuses. "Oh they were worried about my sister since she was struggling in the USA" etc

    Now that the only relative that I was in touch with (his eldest sister) has decided to cut me off despite my being transparent with her she even told me "All this time I am thinking you are happy and you're suffering" She even told me her parents and sister treat her like an outsider yet she still sided with them as expected despite us having a connection.

    When my uncle died last Feb she called in May for the first time in 2017 to give condolences then shortly after brought up her project that she wanted me to work on "I'll send it to you" what an opportunist---I did so before and she got what she wanted and cut me off afterward for 2 years along with everyone else.

    For the first time DH family didn't call for our 5th anniversary and my husband was deeply hurt by this, he himself told me to delete WhatsApp 3 separate times. --- his family claimed they forgot....yet for 4 years straight they called their son without fail even when their grandaughter died in utero--- they called after that to wish us Happy Anniversary---which was very uncomfortable since they were sad + I never believed they cared about our married life happiness EVER. I feel so relieved but we have a long way to go.

    We weren't even 2 years married when he bought them a condo in India. On top of all this he has credit card debt that still isn't paid off because he took loans to pay for this condo which is housing his parents and his 2nd elder leech sister while her husband money launders around the world to pay back his FIL + DH who he owes money that was in September of last year and still no funds delivered to either of them.

    Now my husband is overworked trying to make up for the money his sister owes him---from 2011---trying to catch up on all the funds for us. He's managed to open his own businesses and our marriage still suffers since for 4.5 years he put his family ahead of us and now work comes before our marriage. He is so exhausted we barely talk. I don't know what to do. I only pray, exercise and vent to my parents and on here I try to help others.
     
  3. Desiindian

    Desiindian Gold IL'ite

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    Benadryl Sir,

    Are you siblings married? Are they working in India?
    Paying 30k monthly from Indian salary is a huge deal. Your reply clarifies that a sister is earning much lesser than 80k, which she is capable. In such a case, it is unfair to compare and expect same contribution, that too when she is not in a stable job.
    90k is way too higher for Indian households even with four adults. I would say just give your agreed portion, let the parents handle without sisters contribution. If they come to you asking for extra 30k, just tell them "even my job is not stable, I don't know what would happen next month....."something like that.

    If the sisters are married and settled in India, things are even more difficult. If they are not married, probably, they are trying to save for their marriage, its ok anyways for good. If I were you, I would continue to contribute my portion only.
     

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