How To Deal With My Mind

Hi I am new to Indus Ladies
I find this is to be a very good platform for support and guidance. My main intention is to get some things off my mind.

I have been living with this for 7 years now.
I married a man who never had relationship, never kissed or loved anyone previous to me. He initially told me that he had a relationship but later told me that he lied to know if I had any or not.At that time I told him that I had a relationship, and I was dealing with its affect on me.

My relationship was online with a man and I din’t get into this relationship knowingly. I mean it just went on I just can’t forget the things that he made me do and I am not able to love my husband even after five years of marriage. I feel I am a bad lady and regret my life. Even when I am at work, these thoughts cross my mind.
I feel like how can a person trust me.

I am also scared if my videos will get exposed. Everyday I thank goodness that it hasn’t gone online. What do I do . I was out of my mind to do it. My husband doesn’t know exactly what happene but I told him jockingly that I got naked infront. He was depressed for days after hearing that and I later told him ,I din’t go to that extend. I told this to him before marriage.

Please tell me what to do with my mind.

 

Previous relationship . It happened like this. I have a little dark complexion. Now I look fair.While I was in school and first two years of college , I looked very pretty . I looked my best with glowy skin and no marks or pimples. I have a sister who is a doctor now. my mother left with my sister to my native to help her with coaching classes.
I was staying alone with my father and my food for that two years was mostly from restaurants or slight cooking by me or my dad. My father at that time wasn't good according my sister. He had affairs online or something according to my mom. So I wan't very happy staying with him alone. He never behaved badly with me. BuT I was scared.

i grew fat and darker at that time. I started getting pimples. My mom wanted me to get married, so we started matrimony with my pretty photos. I got many proposals in my third year of college and when they met me they dint't like me thanks to my skin and figure at that time. I grew depressed as I was rejected two times. i was lonely at home (we were staying abroad , with no relatives or much friends ).It was just me and my dad. I missed my mom very much. I felt my only way out is to get married to a person in my native . I wanted to meet my mom atleast a few days a week.


My third proposal was from a doctor guy, I lost weight but still coudn't get my skin cleared. We started talking , chatting etc and somehow he had the best horoscope match with me. So I became very happy that atleast I found a good person and we decided to meet . When he met me , he rejected me saying I din't look pretty enough. I was depressed and heartbroken and lonely when I went back with my dad. I missed my mother and I just wanted to die. By this time I started failing in my studies . (So I imagined that I was good for nothing . studies nor looks).

At this time, one of my cousins said that the doctor guy really liked me and rejected me only because of my skin. His family also liked me very much because of the horoscope match. She said that if I just clear my skin and get back I might have a chance again. So when I went back with my dad , I tried to get back my skin. Then I happened to hear that this doctor guy had a relationship before and that he wasn't a virgin. I felt that maybe as revenge for him rejecting me. I should get my skin cleared , flirt with a guy and then marry this doctor guy itself.


So I din't want to have a real relationship. So I thought why not a virtual one.
I got many friend requests in my facebook page. I accepted three unknown people's request. Among those three was this person. I felt like when I was chatting with him , my loneliness reduced a bit. I din't see a husband material in him. Chat progressed to skype chats as I was alone at my home. One day he told me that he got a photo of me with a mole from his friend. Saying I am a bad girl. I got agitated and said that I am not a person like that. He told me to prove that at that time , I had to show him some area. Then after that he said that I was very beauriful. After 3 people regecting me , I felt very happy and I just felt that I was out of mind . He wasn''t involved. everything was from my side. I mean he wanted to see and I showed. i just thought maybe I will suicide after all this. I thought I am worthless , so atleast let one person be happy. in the third month . He started caring about me more and I felt like what if I marry this person. He even told me he wanted to marry me. So by the end of third month he went for vacation and din't message me for two weeks. I got tensed and thought of how stupid I was. He messaged me saying that he got engaged because of family pressure. My world turned upside down. I din't know if he or I loved nor did I understand if I was cheated.


After one week of this incident . I fixed a date to suicide.
I decided to suicide after 5 days. On the third day I got a new friend request in facebook. I saw that previous guy and this new guy studied in the same college.
I accepted the request. And this new guy is my husband. I have more to type but I am getting emotional . My husband told me its better for me to marry my husband or otherwise my videos will go online.

Not exactly. But sometime he says you don't love me because you loved him.

 

'"My husband told me its better for me to marry my husband or otherwise my videos will go online.""
My husband wanted to marry me, I don't know why he wanted to marry me. I accepted the second request in facebook thinking that , this is the other guy's friend and either that person wants to use me (like i thought first guy shared with his friend about a girl like me) or that he wants to tell me that the first fb person really loved me but was forced by his family members.

My husband added me after seeing me in matrimony , and he din't know of my thing with his collegemate.
After I opened up regarding my issue , my husband said that his collegemate has played around with many girls and if I marry another person , there is a chance that this previous person might try to destroy my life.

 

My marriage , I am not able to love my husband open heartedly.

 

Even if I forgive , I feel that because I did a Sin something bad will happen in my life.
I still worry, if the other person has recorded my videos. At that time I din't think of anythings.
Its like I sleeping with a time bomb under my pillow.