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How To Deal With My Crazy Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Rainbow147, Jan 26, 2020.

  1. Rainbow147

    Rainbow147 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I have been married for nearly 20 years.My MIL is always passive aggressive. She hurts indirectly. example: if I wake up late on a weekend then she brings the topic of my cosis and somewhere in the conversation she conveys that she wakes up early and it is ideal for girl to wake up early.She does the same with cosis as well. In the beginning me and cosis used to maintain distance because of constant comparisons..later we started sharing and now we know the reality.MIL never appreciates or compliments me for anything when she is at my house but she always praises me in front my co sister and vice- versa when she is at my house. I sometimes had a fight with her saying that I don’t like her constant comparisons. She does not know that we share and says that I am too sensitive and she never has problem with my cosis which is not true as my cosis says she has same problems with her and don’t like her comparing with me.

    BY now we know she is playinggames And would like to ignore her but I can’t completely cut her off as she is still my husband mom . At the same time she does not stop. She does not mention about our quarrels to my cosis or my cosis to me and continues same strategy of appreciating one in front of each other.

    I am really fed up with her manipulations and not sure what happiness she gets doing that. Instead she can compliment things that she likes with me so I feel happy and things that she likes with my cosis near her so she feels happy. Why does she praise in the back and hurt on the front? Any idea? Any motive?

    husband says to ignore and move on but she calls 2 times a day and continues same strategy. Even though I know she is doing drama but still makes me feel guilty that I am bad fil.If I avoid her calls completely she says to my husband that she would like to say hi and then continues same crap.

    I am tired of this constant comparisons and indirect insults all the time and want to lead peaceful life. Any suggestions?
     
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  2. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    You know the problem and you know the solution too . Now implement the grand old solution of ignore . If possible put the phone away and then just put a taped hmmm sound frequently to make it look like active conversation. Other ideas when she starts comparisons act like you are getting another call , someone knocking the door or something spilled or worst case tell her that there is urgent work and say a quick bye and cut the call .
     
  3. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    You can be aggressively passive and not respond. You can also start praising other MIL’s in the family.
     
  4. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rainbow147, welcome to IL! :hello:

    There are many ways to deal with your MiL:
    • Ignore her comments. Don't react at all.
    • Change the subject.
    • Probe and ask for more details. "Oh? What does she do so early? And after that, what does she do? And then what does she do next?"
    • End the call. "Doorbell rang. I should answer or your son will have to get up from his comfy spot on the sofa."
    • Agree with her. If she says something positive about your cosis, spend the next several minutes praising your cosis to the skies. Exaggerate all her good qualities.
    • Tit for tat. If she implies her other DiL is better than you, start singing the praises of your sister's/friend's MiL. If you really want to mess with her, praise your FiL.
    • Be absolutely silent. If she comments, say you're taking notes.
    • Since she does this over the phone, add your cosis in a conference call.
    Confuse her. Have fun with it. ;)

    To be fair, as ILs go, she doesn't sound too bad. Don't let her get under your skin.

    Why does she do this? She's trying a policy of divide and rule by pitting the two of you against each other. The best way to thwart her is to form a tight bond with your cosis.

    BTW, you mentioned in another thread that you think she takes good care of her sons. This is not true. Alienating her sons' wives harms their marriages, which is ultimately bad for her sons. The only person she serves is herself.
    .
     
    SinghManisha, hino, JoandeArc and 2 others like this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Twenty years. Co-sister and your husband agree she is playing games. She doesn't live with you.

    There will be times when all are together in person - the sons, both you DILs and MIL. Casually in the conversation bring up one point of comparison that she makes with both of you such as wake up times. Without rubbing it in, highlight that she makes the same comment to both of you. Then, leave it. Give her a way out. Don't corner her. Accord her a face-saving escape. If not, age and relationship hierarchy will be used by her (and maybe her sons) to paint her as a victim.

    You both don't have to pretend to her that you don't share her comments. Next time she praises SIL to disparage you, say, "That's funny, co-sis was saying .." or "Hmmm.. next time we are together, we should exchange notes about wake-up times."
     
  6. Rainbow147

    Rainbow147 New IL'ite

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    Honestly I want to be open and tell her I know her issues with cosis so I can stop her drama but cosis is scared and asks me not to do that. I don’t want to hurt her. So cannot do.

    below are what I tried and nothing worked. She is very clever than me in giving tit for tat replies.

    1) tried to ignore and not care - doing this all these 20 years. Nothing changed. She continues same. Although I am
    Pretending to ignore, internally I am getting hurt of this never ending bullying.

    2) want to start comparing her with others - she is very clever/cunning and she can even go the extent of hurting even more. So scared to do that. Example: one day she left the front door open and slept upstairs. When I returned from work door is open. First I choose not to tell her as it will end up in argument. Later I felt worried and told her it’s risky and to make sure she checks before she sleeps to be on safe side. She was not able to take that I found her fault. First she said you should have showed me that the door is open( as if I am lying) . After 10min she sat next to me and what was telling about some daughter in law of her neighbor who is very intelligent and smart and how her family relies on her to remind things. I told wow .. nice.. then she told u seems to forget things unlike her( I see u searching for cell phone etc while going to work.. take tips from her next time when I go to India).

    3) she is creepy honestly . Let’s say it’s kids birthday and I make all kind of specials. Everyone compliments on the taste etc..her face becomes sad. In front of other people she praises but when I actually try to serve the food . She says she is not hungry and eats curd rice. It hurts me.

    4) husband tried to defend me - when husband points out what she is doing is wrong. Then she argues back saying he is backing me

    she is not in peace either. Both me and consister try to avoid discussions with her.she praises us outside that she has best DIL’s but internally hurt as she is not getting along at both places.

    both of us told her openly stop doing comparisons . So she knows problem but still does not stop her way. I am not sure what happiness she is getting hurting 2 families and being hurt herself
     
  7. Rainbow147

    Rainbow147 New IL'ite

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    She stays 6 months with us and 6 months with them but tortures the other 6 months with twice a day phone calls. She needs to know everything happening in the house.
     
  8. Rainbow147

    Rainbow147 New IL'ite

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    .
    [/QUOTE]

    she does over hungama..Husband is late 40’s. So I believe he is adult enough to take care of himself. When she is here, the moment he wakes up - she starts “ can you start making bf . He always likes to eat early in the morning from childhood. I will serve him etc.. drama”. She doesn’t even think of my son who is 2 year old and needs more attention than my hus. The same person when we used to go to India, never gave breakfast before 10am. I don’t bring up as it will look argumentative. She worries so much when her son helps me and tells they never did any chores before marriage but the SME person used to take FIL help for everything( he passed away 6 years ago) even though she is stay at home mom. Rules she tells us applies to us only. She never follows..
     
  9. coolcucumber

    coolcucumber New IL'ite

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    Sorry to hijack your post. I am a new member here. could you please tell me how to create a new post? It keeps saying "You have insufficient privileges to post here".
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Next time she praises your co sis ...tell her " you are right maa.... I will let co sis know how much you appreciate her next time I talk to her. She will be so happy ".

    Infact I suggest you do that right infront of her.....tell her" I haven't talked to co sis in a while,let me talk to her now and let her also know how much you praise her ....that will make her so happy .":)
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.

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