How to deal with money grabbing inlaws?

revaselva · Jun 28, 2011

Me and my husband are software professionals in US. ours was arranged marriage. we have a 2 yr old daughter now. I have a BIL and SIL both younger to my dh. my BIL has been working in US after pursuing his masters from 2 yrs.
I have been married for 5 yrs now. Since the day our marriage was set to till date, I have been facing soo many issues from IL's that after reading some of the posts in this forum, felt that this is the right place to receive the right advise.
dh is understanding in all ways except when it comes to his parents. even after all these yrs..i still feel left out of place and left alone as he does not support me in front of my inlaws at all.
My inlaws insulted my mom, dad and brother before and during the wedding just to show their attitude of coming from groom's side. all the marriage expense was shared by my parents and my dh equally, which we came to know later. they never spent a single penny from their hand. my laws are not poor. they are above avg middle class family in chennai, where my fil has construction business. my mom passed away suddenly one month after my marriage and it was a total shocker to my family. my dad and my bro (only sibling) working in hyd, did not want to live in our house of 20 yrs and shifted base to chennai, hoping tht my relatives and inlaws will be around to these 2 men...who felt totally lost and shattered in this tough time. I was with them for a month and had to return to US due to visa constraints and work as well. although i was grieving all along inside for a very long time. so my 1st yr of marriage was not like everybody's. and in btw all this still my family and i had to take grunt from my insensitive inlaws ...as during wedding they insisted tht ....i leave all the gold and silver ...tht my parents gave me...in their newly opened locker...which my fil had joint access to...over there...and i did not have a good feeling abt it...and it was good tht some how i stood firm in my decision against his whole family and his relatives...and did not leave any single piece there...but have to take their grunt eventoday....
all this was in month of APR and in May of tht yr my mom passed away...and the next summer...my bro's marriage was fixed after lot of struggle and only due to my dad's efforts, with no help...literally zero help from my relatives....and when my dad and bro went to give the 1st wedding card...they were treated very badly and almost verbally abused by my inlaws...tht they did not give 1st diwali gifts to my inlaws (called taladepavali) in tamil. my dad fell sick and was hospitalized for lil while during the diwali period, which my inlaws were aware and visited him in hospital also.
and my bro who works in top MNC companies, was dumbstuck and shocked over the whole thing and was weeping in ph....and telling me tht he was totally left devastated to take such bad remarks and the only reason for them to take tht without retaliating was thinking abt me.......i was soooo mad tht i did not talk to my IL's for a month until i landed in chennai for the wedding...and even then there were so many dramas in the wedding from my il's who came as guests...huh...now when i think back...feel tht i should have invited them in the 1st place...so anyways...
right before we went ...we had bought our home in US....after shaving all our savings...and i get a shock...when my fil asks for 5laks...for him to start his business...he justs asks....evenhtough...my dh had no saving on his side till his wedding...since he spent 25laks to build a brand new big home, which they made sure he did for them before marriage...and he also deposited abt 1-2laks on my sil name...and 1st thing after our marriage ...i asked him wht he wanted to do for her future wedding...and after agreeing we saved 5laks for her...this was my proactive planning so tht we dont have to struggle for tht money when we have our own kids...so when my fil asked money....we didnt have any...so i put my foot down and told tht...we can give u wht we put aside for sil.....so tht u can use it and improve it in business....so we gave them a check and returned to US...dh came 3 days after i came...and as wht i was fearing...tht happened...they brainwashed their obedient son...dh...against me so much tht....we were fighting the next few months ....huh...so anyways their ego hurt...they returned tht check....and defamed me among their relatives.....but in all this while...we have been supporting BIL for this studies...and also we bought new fridge, 2 cell ph, expensive camera, cordless ph, and laptop etc....basically all appliances and other stuff...and also sending money for their monthly expenses. Apart from that, when i went to india for my mom's funeral, she saw my ruby necklace and got a bigger set with bangles etc and told my dh tht she only got a chain for x gms...but i noticed the whole set tht they wore duirng my bro's marriage...so mil was covering up truth to my dh...so even when i told him tht she spent abt 1.5lk for one set...and did not say the big number...he supports them and pretends not to hear wht i am saying...he never accepts tht they r cunning/deceiving...
The main big prob i faced with them was when they came to US on the pretext of helping me during the pregnancy. But coz it was their 1st us trip....all they wanted to do was visit all places as many as possible...
my bil had got job at tht point...but told on face tht he did not want his parents to visit his city in US....but when they insisted....we had to pay for their trip to see him...1000 dollars....

right before leaving back to india...my fil...wanted to lecture me...abt how a DIL should be...and as aprt of his lecture...when he said tht ....a key to man's heart is sex and samiyil (cooking) .......i was creeped out and shocked to my core...and my dh was right next to me...before starting to talk....fil had made sure i only listened and not interfere in btw...but at tht point ..i was in total shock...and was speechless...tht i did not even retaliate...to protect my self respect...tht a FIL is not supposed to talk to a DIL abt such matters even....i was shattered...tht hubby...did not react at all...and looked so normal....even after many fights later....it doesnt even sink to him...tht it is awkward conversation....huh.....

coming back to money issues....
during BIL's masters studies we paid over 15k dollars, part of which came from my hard earned money. esplly when i was pregnant and suffered with very bad morning sickness and being alone in a seperate city with no help from hubby many times. BIL did not even come to visit and see my kid, now 2 yrs atleast once and nor did he send any single gift also....but rarely speaks over ph to me...just coz he has to spend abt 300 bucks for ticket and buys gifts to niece, if he visits us...
and SIL is doing her mba in india....but she is always asking for money from brothers...as fil...is stingy....and mil is greedy...and wants lot of jewellery....and they both want to give her fatsome dowry for her wedding...and when mil was with us...she told me tht if ur parents gave u xgms of gold...they shouldnt i be giving lot more to my dauther...i want to give 200 tulas/2kgs of gold but...fil has agreed for only 150 tulas.....i was thinking like....wow...how dare she openly challenges me.......but i told her only tht ...u can do whtever for ur daughter....i am not the type to compare with others...so they can spend money for false prestige issues...but not on monthly expenses....and now sil is again asking us for another laptop within few yrs...so i am frustrated now thinking when will this end......this is not like i am mean natured person.....who will not support inlaws even for basic need.....but this is more than tht........coz i was the one to support BIL for all the money when he needed.......but i do want to get my hard earned money back and stop this unwanted expenses.........and dh has taken no initiative so far to save or do anything for our little kid...and tht worries me to cut down unwanted expenses to support my family.. also because of his lavish spending during inlaws visit....dh is in lot of debt on credit cards and using my savings to pay them off....which is what i am not happy about now...coz it is like i am paying for all their trips.....
I totally apologize for this very lengty post.......and thank u one and all who take time to read this post and provide some valuable advise ......as i have no women company within my immediate family ...and feel tht women only understand women better.......so looking fwd from this virtual support group...........thanks, revathi

monita · Jun 28, 2011

Hi Revathi,
You are not alone. There are many many parents who want to milk their sons as much as they can. My FIL indirectly taunted us about how much other sons are spending on their parents. So and so bought a flat worth 1 crore and blah blah blah. He asked for electronics and expensive gadgets like they were packets of chips. I think some people believe that we people living overseas have money growing on trees in our backyard.
Only thing I can say is ignore big time. Your DH is a problem here as he cannot say no. My DH initially could never say no to his parents. We didn't have anything in our home. I used to go to neighbor's home to even watch TV or use kitchen gadgets such as mixer, grinder. My DH made very clear that he wanted to spend all his earnings on his parents. Eventually he realized it wasn't right. How? I don't know. Probably, he also got sick of his parents demands or because he matured. Also I would say one thing that sons are usually very enthusiastic about their parents' first visit and want to splurge and make it most enjoyable. The consecutive visits are most enjoyable. When my ILs visited for the first time, my DH went completely overboard. To an extent, I thought it was OK. He wanted to show them all the places in the country where we lived. When he also wanted to take them to the neighbouring countries, I put my foot down. I refused to accompany him and told him to go without me. This has happened more than once and later he also realized that enough is enough. My ILs are not the kind of people who love travelling, anyways.
One thing I would suggest is never ever let your DH use your money on ILs. It was a mistake on your part that you let him in the past. But whatever happened cannot be changed. Also, you should not be the one spending your earnings for all household expenses. Your husband has been conditioned now to thinking that your money is his money and his money is for his parents and brothers use. You will have to change that.

Nishi07 · Jun 28, 2011

Hi Revathi,

what you have mentioned in your post is very normal in our society. Son will always have that attitude towards his parents.

I have done alot for my SIL's marriage. Also, I did it whole heartedly.

Yesterday only I got a news that she is expecting. Now my heart is sinking thinking about the expenses that we will have to do as a Mama and Mami during the funtion of Seemantham..which is supposed to be equavalent to Marriage in Tamilians..and my MIL has already mentioned this many a times. I am so worried about this as I already have so many expenses in line. Actaully spending is not a concern but spending under pressure is a concern. I have already put my foot down saying that I will spend according to my pocket only. Dont expect me to go for pomp and show. My son's future is more important than these so called customs with unwanted expenses.

So Revathi, you will have to put you foot down and dont give away your savings. That is for you and your kiddo. ...

Take care.

revaselva · Jun 28, 2011

Thanks Nishi and Monita for taking time to respond and provide your valuable input. I think on what you both have mentioned about controlling my savings atleast from now on. Couple months ago, whn we sent some money to start a lic policy for my kid's future. my mil talked to my dh when i was not online, and told him tht she will take 1lk to loan her bro, who had asked her. and i just heard when dh said yes, when confronted he told me wht he ok'ed for. i was furiated and told him to confirm the return in 1 month...which looked fishy to me....and to my bad...i forgot to ask him...and he was acting smart...and after 2 months when we went to india...upon reasking him...he acted coolly tht she had already told me tht ...it was not happeneing...and if she would not receive in 6 months she will pay for his yrly policy ......huh......now after 6 months when i re ask dh........coz i heard some money discussion over ph btw him and his parents.....he plays vague.....coz he nevers asks them clearly if they r paying for his policy or if they r trying to take money from his joint a/c......which means tht they r not paying us back.......so i am sooo lost.......and almost feel like calling them up and asking them on face.....to repay us back......as i am fed up of not only supporting them.........now even their relatives...come'on....i need a break........hhuh....

mayaram · Jun 28, 2011

Hi Reva ,

All my support with you , you have done enough already for ur PIL's , BIL & SIL ... just reminds me on how we had gone overboard when they visited us for the first time when my daughter was born ....I never objected to my DH spending , although that meant we were in debt for the next one year ...but i put my foot down and refused to acompany them on their visits as it was too tedious managing work , housewrk and a new baby .

for their next visit , we drew a budget and when they came in gave them X $ each and left them to do decide what they wanted to shop and for whom . Also as ur DD is already 2yrs you should initiate some kind of saving for her ..convince your DH but in a sweet way asking him if he is concerned abt her future ...draw your budget tight so you are left with lil so when they ask your DH will automatically say " we dont have " ...my two cents ...all the best .

mayaram · Jun 28, 2011

Nishi ,

Hope you will realise soon that all these customs are one way ...its always give give give policy and will never come the other way round all the best dear

tulipzz · Jun 28, 2011

OMG! I was going insane just by reading your post. Hats off to you for taking it all !!

I have nothing to say..just a BIG hug to you...

if you dont mind me asking, how much money do you make to meet all these demands (giving lakhs and lakhs to inlaws) and still manage your living expenses? you need not tell me if you dont want to....

Zubina · Jun 28, 2011

Dear Revathi,

Your story is similar to mine. Greedy inlaws cannot be changed even the ocean is not enough for them. our tradition is like that a son should be responsible for every expenses after marriage. i think they are not mature to think that he also has his own family and reponsibilities towards his wife and kids.my Mil need 42" lcd TV even the TV at home is in good condition. she is very adamant that my dh agree whatever she desires. I am also in big confusion is it wise to cut the relationship or to be patience with them each and every moment

Zubi

revaselva · Jun 28, 2011

hi tulip,

Thanks for the big hug.....i really needed that support

I was a smart aggressive career oriented woman,making decent salary...but till i got married...i had taken care of my parents and sibling..as i come from middle class family...my parents could not afford financially for kids marriage but were very supportive to provide us with very good quality education ...and partially paid for my masters in US aswell....so i shouldered the responsibilty for entire financial cost of my marriage and my brother's as well.....so fast fwd now....since my marriage...i have been supportive to my dh financially ...so tht we could buy home...and then his family...but since i have a kid.....my focus shifted towards her...and had to take down low paying job ...but near home...and due to spending all tht laks of money...and me tightening the fist lil bit.....has made my dh...land in credit card debt......but i am letting him deal with it himself....as i hope this will make him realize to control unnecessary spending over his family...
I am tired of supporting everyone around me all these yrs...without saving anything for me and mykid....and ppl are still greedy and have unreasonable expectations...

tulipzz · Jun 29, 2011

Card debt?????omg....girl....get control over ur life! Get him under control.... There are some really smart women here who give wonderful advice... Take it seriously...more hugs to u....