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How To Deal With Insensitive Pils

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mimi77, Aug 3, 2018.

  1. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    No not really.....She used to be worse during my initial days of marriage.....but no one really told her.....I used to feel bad but never felt like hurting her back considering she is my husband's mother and ofcourse her age....now she is much better but still cant stand her partial behaviour and her unwanted unhealthy discussion which crreates a very negative environment at home.....
     
  2. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    What is your husband's reaction about his parents behavior regarding discrimination and other biased nature of his parents?

    It purely depends on your husband's feelings. You can ignore if your husband is ok with their behavior and if he is not feeling bad about that....they are his parents, so he should be the one to react first.....
     
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  3. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    He does not react....whenever I ask him he says he doesnt have any problem since this had been happening since their childhood......But somehow my MILs behavior hurts me so often.....
     
  4. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @mimi77,

    I am deeply pained to hear about the partiality your husband was facing since his childhood, you facing it after marrying him and now your daughter for not getting her time with the parents to prepare for the exam.

    Despite my mother being completely partial to my brother (for various reasons), I continued to do everything she needed from me as I loved her. Once, my mother was in serious health condition and my older brother (favorite son) called me to tell that if I don't come to India immediately, I might not get a chance to see my mom alive. At the same time, my wife had multiple fracture in her hand and I had to be with her when she had surgery. She was highly sedated for pain relief. I waited patiently for a week and then left to see my mother after requesting my son to look after her. Fortunately, my mother recovered completely and lived for 8 more years after that. My wife told me to go and see my mother and come back and she could manage herself on her own. Similarly, when her father was diagnosed with Metastatic cancer, I told her to spend as much time as she could with her dad and call me anytime for help. When he passed away, she called immediately and I left within two hours to perform his final rites as she was the only child. We brought my MIL with us and she stays with us here for the past 5 years.

    In my view, taking care of in-laws is important but your primary responsibility is towards your husband/daughter. If you feel your daughter's preparation for exam will be hampered, you should be up front about it. You tell that politely without allowing any emotions as to how your husband is continued to be treated. Please don't talk about you not getting help when your husband had a fracture. Family conflicts arise more by how words were expressed than actions carried out.

    Talk to your husband freely and if he agrees, please tell your in-laws to postpone their visit. But tell them positively that you and your husband will take care of dental issue without any problem. After that, how they feel about it is something you can't control and you and your husband should be at peace having done the right thing.

    Viswa
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2018
    Amica, mimi77 and messedup like this.
  5. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks so much Viswa for your advice....Yes my husband has dealt with the matter in a very mature way and asked them to postpone their visit and they agreed to it....Yeah but I do feel extremely bad for the way my husband is treated......Somehow I feel its absolutely unfair but I will try my best to do my duties only because they are my husband's parents....
     
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  6. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    mimi, Don't pay attention to your IL's as you are the one who is raising your daughter; not them. Focus on your daughter. In today's competitive world, you have to do the very best for your child to succeed irrespective of gender.

    Taking care of parents is important and you do it not for them; you do it because you want to do it. You want to do what is right. Unless it is an emergency, you can always tell them when you can do it. You also can tell them if they can't wait perhaps they should ask your BIL to take care of it this time.

    When they treat your DH badly, don't enable them to continue with that behavior. Politely, open a healthy discussion on the impact of what they say or do. Don't go back to the past. Start from the present and in the future. Hanging on to things only accumulates your resentment. Believe me, I am telling you from experience, even old timers can change. Believe it or not, in spite of everything, they know in their heart what you have done.

    Duty does not mean that you abide by everything they say or ask for. You both be objective and rational in what you need to do. Please don't stop caring for them.
     
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  7. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Topaz for your advice.....yes Im trying and shall keep trying to do my best.....My MIL criticizes almost everyone and has a filthy mouth......she is extremely political in nature and tries to take out the nost secret information from my family.....she is a dangerous woman abd can very easily make me feel like a guest in my own home by tactfully dominating me and all in the family......I just cant describe this woman but I feel sick in her presence and lose my sleep everynight
     
  8. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Mimi I have asked u to take care of inlaws no matter how they treat u, but I was not aware of these issues with ur MIL. I'm sorry I don't want to preach anything. U are better judge of ur situation. Just make sure to take care of their health & genuine needs... rest u have to do whatever u feel is right. If someone harms us or is partial to us doesn't mean we should keep serving blindly. U should at least ask MIL why they do that . Neither neglect anyone nor need to do any excess sacrifice either.

    I just remembered your previous post Regarding Bro In Law And His Wife's Insane Behaviour where you were extremely concerned about MIL. so I thought that maybe its possible that ur MIL wants to visit u urgently to discuss some problems in that house; maybe she is not able to discuss the real matter on phone.There must be some serious reason that she wants to see u urgently. Let her come this time. Discuss with her whats the scenario over there. Give her chance this time as she seems to be in lot of problem .
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2018
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  9. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Perhaps the best thing is not to get involved; just do the best you can. Focus on your life.
     
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  10. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Nakshatra, my inlaws have come but they have never initiated the discussion regarding my BIL and cosis's behaviour.....Upon my initiation she was all in praises about them....She again started comparing my cosis and me .....she is so very unpredictable that I became a total fool by trying to help her out.......Each time she proves that she is much smarter than me.....She probably has the divide and rule policy....In my cosis's absence ,despite she creating so much of a problem my MIL keeps praising her only to create some sort of jealousy in me against my cosis......I realise its better to keep a very minimal abd formal relation with them
     

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