How To Deal With Husbands Ex Gf?

Parry22 · Jun 22, 2018

Been married for about a year. It was an arranged marriage, where in he really took a lot of time to trust and commit and get emotionally attached with me. I thought it was normal since it is an arranged match. But now its been a year, its almost still like that. He denies it - says nothing like that. Recently i found he was madly madly madly in love with his ex gf who totally broke his heart. They were together for 2-3 years. He was insanely in love with her, but she was not so committed to him and left him. I have read their msgs ( we both freely read each others phones) and their conversations are all lovey dovey. He used the word 'love' for her, which he has never done for me. He doesn't love me. Neither says it in words nor shows it. When i say ILU to him , he doesn't reply back. He still searches for her on FB every few days and checks her WhatsAp statuses and all. I feel this is the reason why he can't get emotionally attached to me. He is in the mind frame that you live your life your way, i will live my life my way. When he went for a work related trip for a few months, i had to beg him to take me with him, he was not much interested in taking me. But i insisted. After all that also he made me do formalities and pay for my own return tickets and made me travel alone both ways. I am hurt not because of money but the way he behaves like you manage your own things. They were together till 2015. He is obviously still hung up on her. Even though he keeps telling me 'let the past be in the past' (about my exes too) but it seems he is not ready to move on from the past. How do i deal with it ?

ashneys · Jun 22, 2018

The problem was never your hubbys ex gf. The problem is your hubby.

Looks like she didn't have that amount of interest on him n has moved on in her life since didn't read about her contacting him in your post.

You either wait for him to get over or you fight for him to get over, maybe some sessions of personal n marital / couple counselling may help for him to move on. They might suggest ways for him to move on. You can threaten to leave if he doesn't work on it truly.

Tell him you didn't get married to do everything on your own. Be vocal n clear about what your expectation of a marriage is. Stay strong n get him the right help. Tell him you are doing all this to make this marriage work. He can do 'nothing' if he wants this marriage to fail.

One of my closest friend suffered for years with her hubby because he was so hung over with his ex wherein she had moved on. It took almost 5-7 plus years for them to not fight for a day or care a little. Now 10 plus years in, they seem a lot better now. But she says it was her mistake to have waited for this long n she should have been stronger early on.

sokanasanah · Jun 22, 2018

I am very relieved to see that both of you have 'ex-es' - that's one explosive imbalance addressed, but your husband now has a wife in bed (and kitchen?) and a fantasy woman in head and heart (and mobile, and FB, and Whatsapp, and ...). Why would he be motivated to change anything? It all comes down to how much you value your time and energy. You can wait until it is "10 plus years in" when the relationship might seem a lot better, or for his ex-GF to get married, or a myriad other possibilities or you can directly question his commitment to your marriage.

Parry22 said: ↑

... he made me do formalities and pay for my own return tickets and made me travel alone both ways.
Click to expand...

Why? What is his logic? How did he explain this?