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How To Deal With Extra Traditional Mil..pls Suggest...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Dec 27, 2019.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I don’t mean to make this as big issue...but My MIL s very traditional by nature and I follow family customs and traditions atleast 99.9% though it requires lot of effort on my part...it’s compulsory for married ladies to wear Mangalsutra, toe rings, Bindi , Sindhoor on forehead and I follow it always...once I had irritation in my toes due to dry skin and temporarily removed for few days...she noticed and felt very bad then I again took out different light weight toe rings and wore... I’m dressed in ethnic wear and traditional clothing like Kurti leggings, salwar suit, and always wear saree for major temple visits, Poojas, functions, festivals etc ..very occasionally western casuals but I wear Bindi on my forehead always and regularly Sindhoor...at home I wear loose T shirts or tops with full Pyjama pant,..so no issues with dress sense ...
    I faced a little awkward situation when I purchased few lady razors fr hair removal purpose at discount in super market...she was asking FIL , hubby in very puzzled way why I require razor?..
    Very embarrassing but she didn’t pursue further...
    Could see my friends and relatives of my age group having such trendy hairstyles..they have such stylish hair cuts and colour, streak the hair, get it styled etc...
    I usually tie back my hair and leave It loose very rarely during parties or social get together s...
    But got my hair cut stylishly recently..it had been very long since it got a hair cut, it was growing in an uneven way with split ends, and I had some hair fall recently due to hormone imbalance, medication taken for health issue etc...also needed a trendy and young look so got it stylishly cut to shoulder length...
    MIL didn’t like it.,she said that it’s not good to cut hair., married by ladies should have long hair and tie it back healthy, hair should be left naturally else when I’m older I won’t have hair and all that.i listened to her silently and didn’t argue...
    But I’ll need to have my hair trimmed again in some more months...
    She will again make a long face and say something like this again...
    To be fair she didn’t say in a mean or abusive way for me to take offence ...
    But it’s tough to follow everything perfectly all the time...
    Many of my cousins and friends living abroad don’t wear mangalsutra, Bindi, toe rings etc...they cut their hair short and and streak and colour and style...they have their own reasons..looks like their in laws have more or less accepted this ..
    How do you all diplomatically manage such situations...with traditional MILs without arguing or answering back?
    I don’t want to make this a big issue to vent about and don’t want to hurt her but anyway to lightly handle so that MIL accepts any make overs that I do in future?
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2019
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  2. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Honey, you are old enough to have the hair cut you want to, put makeup on if you want to and try new fashionable clothes if you want to. One of the best parts I found about being a grown up was that I’m only answerable to myself for these deeply personal choices. And if someone does not like those choices, it’s alright because it doesn’t really matter does it. Being nice and sweet to others is great but this need to please others too much can go overboard sometimes and is not good if it infringes on our personal space. if someone tries to control my hair length and sulks about it, it’s their problem not mine. I’ll cut it the way I want to and if they pester me then I will just smile and say- “ but this is exactly the way I like it. Maybe you should try a new hairstyle. It will make you look less old”.
     
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    She is trying to control you. You have to live your own life. Just maintain the silent response and do whatever you want. If she mention something, you can ignore or say ma ,this is what I like. Some times not responding to those kind of controlling attempts is the best response.
    You are already doing so much for making her happy. Do things that make you happy. Go to beauty parlor and do what you want. Slowly she will realize it. If she show face, behave as if you dont even notice. Be happy as usual. Its your life, no one has any right to decide what's best for you. You are an adult and you have to decide it yourself.
     
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  4. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Your MIL doesn't know how lucky she is.
    Does she see the changes in the society and does she watch TV? You may want to gently discuss how things are changing with times and how you like to dress up and look young. Sometimes, having deep conversation as to what is important, might help her to realize that it is okay to change with times.

    It is not always true. My friend's DIL is not an Indian, but never takes off her mangalsutra. She regards it as a sacred symbol of her marriage. She asks her DH to remove when she had to go for an MRI, and asks him to put it back on her. She says sometimes it is not very convenient during exercise, but she puts a pin to hold it in place. She is very fashion conscience; she knows mangalsutra doesn't go well with her outfit. She still won't take it out.
     
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  5. Positivity02

    Positivity02 Silver IL'ite

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    My PILs too had certain expectations initially when we got married and I tried to please few times. Later realized it will become a habit and refused to budge in. I dressed and carried myself in a way exactly how I liked and for the occasion. They later got used to my behavior and now doesn't bother to say anything knowing it's not going to make a difference
    Catch here is my hubby was fully supportive of my choices and even tells the parents this how you guys also should dress when going to a particular places or event.
    Try to talk to your hubby and if there is one more voice to support your choices then she might tone down and take it easy.
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2019
  6. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    I have been away for a while and today i came here to answers to my post 7-8 months back and this thread caught my eyes. Could not help an look into it and answer because i felt i am reliving part of my life....

    I am answering it not knowing what stage of marriage you are in, what are other dynamics and how your hubby plays a role in all of these.
    And I am answering based on your personality analysis from your question as I see it as reflection on mine, so not judging you but trying to help. I might be wrong in my analysis then ignore those notes.

    --> I feel you are a people pleaser person
    ---> like to avoid situation which can bring on confrontation and open discussions because you donot know how to deal with it and you rather prefer peace
    --> you are not thick skin and very sensitive to comments


    So these are the reasons we do thing even when we do not want to. We seem like nice, sweet people but basically we are sulking inside for not able to lead the life.

    One person said it so well.... that catch 22, how ur husband supports u. Right? If u make a noise or donot do certain things how he reacts. That is needed when u want to keep up that relationship. If you donot then you really donot have to care for his support too. Manier times, child is the reason or financial dependence is the reason where women still want to keep the relation and need husband's support to do what she wants in life.

    so depending on your situation
    --> ignore your MIL's comment and do what you want. being thick skin is necesssary, not to worry about pleasing her is necessary
    --> do your duties, so we donot want to insult in-laws, just need space. Carry out duties like helping them when sick, spending time with them sometimes etc.
    --> you are adult, you donot need your hubby's support to do what you want for yourself especially those trivial matters of what you wear, how you keep your hair. If it is impacting family like say you want to go on long travel by yourslef then it makes sense to discuss it out so it works out for all....note i said discuss and did not say take permission

    Also it could be
    --> like one person said MIL is of controlling nature
    --> has nothing else to do on her own
    --> she finds u more capable than she is and hence the behavior
    --> she is role playing that is, what she went through as DIL, plays the same to her own DIL

    if you donot learn stop being people pleaser if you are, start being thick skin , start dealing with confrontation...whole life will go adjusting and bringing changes for yourself. no fun in such life and sometimes when changes come, it will be too late. and then you will be in different stage of life where your needs for your self will be different and you would need to again start working on that.

    After 21 years I am still constantly making changes in other people and life is no fun. Good luck!
     
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  7. Mawa

    Mawa New IL'ite

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    Hi


    Hi...
    I was in the same boat as you. I live in America. My MIL is also traditional and I too faced the same things u underwent.
    1) Whenever I go to India, I will wear everything from bindi to toe rings.
    2 ) When I come back, I live the way I want. For brief video chats, I make sure she sees only my head part and not the remaining . So, bindi would be enough.
    3) Talk briefly with her. Listen to whatever she says and nod to everything she tells you. That makes them happy. But it is upto you to follow.
    3) When you go for trips, do not share the pics in which you were there... if they can’t accept the way you dress etc.
     
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  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks all :)
    Will surely follow your suggestions...
    These days comments are becoming less and less,, when compared to earlier..., as in laws could see how modern other ladies in their family and friends circles are...slowly I think they are reducing Expectaions... few remarks are there, I’ll handle them tactfully ...
     
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  9. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Talk with your DH and get his support. Then simply tell your MIL that your DH likes short hair on you. :D

    I like your attitude. :thumbsup:
    .
     
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....we don't often get our big wishes fulfilled easily or it takes a long time.

    The home we want, the career we want , the health we want,the right weight we want .....often takes a long time .

    During this wait ,it is the small easily fulfilled wishes that give us short term happiness.

    A new haircut,a new dress, an outing , a new job....all these keep our spirits up.

    Your mil has lived her life. Don't let her prevent you from living your life .
    It is better to rebel a little than live with resentment.

    Don't give up the small joys of life because it is your life.

    If you want to do it slowly to prevent fights...do it .

    Make the bindi smaller ,lighter.
    Make the lipstick brighter if you want. Go get the haircut and enjoy the bounce in your hair .
    Get a different cut of kurta or blouse made.
    Get a trendier mangalsutra made if it cumpulsory .

    Don't deny yourself the pleasures you seek.You are young now. It is time for you to enjoy . You won't be the same 10-15 years from now . Don't regret not having lived your life well.

    Ignore the strange looks and odd comment as long as you get to have your wish.
     

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