1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

How To Deal When Parents Interfere In Your Married Life..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Twinkel, Nov 21, 2019.

  1. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,392
    Likes Received:
    2,873
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    I'm so upset right now. The issue might be tiny but disturbing me as I want to settle things down in a diplomatic way without hurting anyone. Wise ladies here can give me some sense on how to deal with this.
    A little on my background, I've been married for 7 years. DH is a great man. He has an elder brother. My mil, bil, cosis and their 12 year old daughter live together in a different state and me and hubby live in a city where both of us are working (Now I took a break from work). My Fil expired when my bil and dh were kids. My in laws are great human beings and we are all emotionally connected. My Bil is a farmer and looks after all the joint property.
    My parents live in the same city as us and both my mom and dad are still working. My parent's is an well educated and metropolitan kind of lifestyle and in a way, little materialistic.
    7 years after marriage, now am pregnant with twins and both side families are very happy. But since a month or so, my mom has been pestering me with something. My mom started off saying as am pregnant with twins, I have to get extra smart with managing my finances. I was initially confused, as both me and dh are earning well, have decent savings and wondered what made her feel we are not smart in managing finances. She then proceeded to say, "It's been 7 years and all the income that you have to get on the joint property, like on farming lands, rents etc are being enjoyed only by your bil and cosis, it's high time you ask for your share of income on joint property too." I brushed her off saying me and dh earn very well and also, we earn more than what my bil earns on the property. Also, my bil takes care of mil and all her expenses, like medical and general. We (me and dh) are not at all interested on that income. Things are going just fine and let them be.
    My mil and bil previously, 5 years ago asked about income sharing on the property and asked us to have our share. But we told them as we are earning well and mil's expenses are being taken care of, we don't want to think about dividing property anytime soon.
    But my mom keeps repeating this issue with me and that started disturbing me. I know my mom and she wasn't being cunning. She was just concerned that by not claiming our share of income on joint property, we might end up not getting our share property. I know my in laws as well, one hint and they'll happily give away our share. But me and hubby are not comfortable asking for the share, mainly because the share of income we might get on property may not make much difference to our life style, but it may effect my in laws.
    I don't know how to handle the situation. After 2 months, I would be leaving to my mom's house for my delivery and I know she will keep on poking this issue and I can not be harsh on her.
    I told her repeatedly that it's my hubby's call on his property and am not dictating him decisions. I told her that it doesn't make us much difference as we are earning well. But she says it's not about the income on property, but the property itself which is a big deal and my kids might not get their share. My heart and brain knows nothing of that sort might happen, but the repeated arguments between me and mom are giving me sleepless nights. My hubby knows about this but he doesn't know the severity and frequency with which my mom's forcing me to ask my in laws.
    I sometimes feel like screaming not to interfere in my married life, that she might unknowingly end up breaking happiness in my and my in law's home as this is a sensitive issue, and we are just happy the way we are. But then I can't be rude to my mom and can't even talk to her in loud voice. In general she is a good human being, but she's making deductions out of what she has seen in her life, with her in-laws, which is a complete different scenario and different story.
    How should I be handling this without hurting anybody??
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2019
    VinuthaS and EightKittens like this.
    Loading...

  2. KayKuyil

    KayKuyil Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    67
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Argh. I wish you didn’t have this drama while pregnant. What I would do is start by telling mom that now is not the time and letting her know that this is putting too much stress on you and reminding it’s not good for pregnancy. If you are successful in getting a breathing space, while you are at home, slowly explain to her that you guys are in much better position financially and that it is your decision as well not to ask ILs for share. As long as you keep saying it’s your spouse’s decision, your mom is going to keep thinking you are being overridden. Similar issue happened between my dad and me. Dad finally backed off after i told him about all our investments and stuffs like that and how dh’s ancestral property will actually become a burden to maintain for us and it would rather be helpful to SIL. Once he was convinced that we are not being naive and sacrificing, and that we have a plan for our future, dad became calm. Try it!
     
    Topaz49, hermitcrab, shravs3 and 2 others like this.
  3. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,392
    Likes Received:
    2,873
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Sounds like a good plan, though it's only temporary and my mom might end up starting all over again after delivery. I did explain her we are in a better position and have savings, though we didn't get into details. She has questions about me leaving job due to fertility struggles early on in marriage and fears I might be a dependent and might not be enjoying luxurious life. But the fact is, am very happy and she's unable to see it ..
     
    EightKittens likes this.
  4. EightKittens

    EightKittens Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    72
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Um...so this maybe a far more harsher strategy than what you are looking for, and not something that someone that is as loving and kindhearted as you are can implement, but maybe just refuse to discuss this matter entirely. As in if she brings it up, just say that you will not talk about it. No excuses. No explanations. No justifications. Just be a blank wall. No one can break past a blank wall. Again I'm not saying that it is something that you can do. Or something you might even want to do. Or even if you try you might not be able to do it in one go. But slowly over time you can start to refuse to discuss it until she just drops it, because she will realize that you won't discuss it. :nomouth:
     
    Topaz49, Sinant and Twinkel like this.
  5. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    886
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Male
    Sharing of Properties and inheritance become big reason for dissatisfaction and family feud when prev. generation is no longer in picture.

    You say that your ILs including BIL/SIL are great now. But I have seen that siblings' behavior when mother/father are still around is different than when they are no longer around. I hope in your case, they never change.

    What I suggest is: you are in a delicate condition, so don't confront your mother or ILs now. Say to your mother that you will raise the issue when it is appropriate. Continue to enjoy rest of your pregnancy and with mother-daughter bonding plus once you become a mother, your thoughts might change too.

    Safe delivery and good luck to you. Twins are double enjoyment but double-trouble too from my/wife's BTDT experience :)
     
    Sunshine04 and Twinkel like this.
  6. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,829
    Likes Received:
    4,297
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    High time to be healthy physically and mentally, so clear the issue as soon as possible, explain the same to your mom.
     
    Twinkel likes this.
  7. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,392
    Likes Received:
    2,873
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Right in a way, but I don't think I can be cold to my mom not sure how she will react if at all I try that.
     
  8. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,392
    Likes Received:
    2,873
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    It's not the matter of property here, but it's the point of "income" that's earned on that property. The property is still on my late Fil's title, so by default and legally too it's equal share to both the brothers and we might anyday demand our share of income on property or the property itself, if things go wrong between us, and we have equal legal rights on the property. As of now, right at the moment, we don't as much need the "income" earned on that property as much as my bil and my mom's not getting the point..
    You have twins too?? :) Share the experiences and challenges as a twin dad, it might help someone in need. How old are your kids?
     
  9. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,392
    Likes Received:
    2,873
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Yeah, trying to explain her..
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,181
    Likes Received:
    2,468
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Even though your moms aim is to make your life financially stable, she is too much interfering . She dont have any right to say what to do with your PILS family property or income. She should worry about her family property if any or how she can contribute.

    If the property is owned by PILS , they are only person involve in the decision making on what to do with property or income.

    OP, you can tell your mom that these kind of topics give you lot of stress and you don't want to discuss that at this stage. You want to enjoy these precious moments without worrying about these kind of things. Also you don't want to spoil the relationship between you and dh or PILS by demanding their property or income. Is that what your mother want? I am sure no. So in a loving way tell her, not to mention these kind of topics now if she really like to make your life happy and peaceful. Sometime we need to stop sources of negative energy, even if its from our parents.

    I think it is better to change topic each time she mention it. Try not to talk or provide more details or clarifications. If so, this will go on and on...You need to express some hints that you dont encourage any discussion on this topic as its your dh's family matter. Let them decide what is best for their family (which includes you too). They already asked your dh about income sharing, so their intentions are good. So your dh can decide when to ask or not.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2019
    Topaz49, Dhamini and Twinkel like this.

Share This Page