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How To Deal This Problem With In-laws?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by zeppelingirl, Oct 4, 2017.

  1. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for the advice. He is too good in living a life without speaking with me for days. I cant compete him in that.

    My husband doesnt let me hear the music I like. He says the music I listen to is bad for me. Its classic rock. He deleted all my playlist from laptop. He wants me to listen to christian songs which I'm not interested much.

    I dont watch TV in his house. No entertainment for me there.

    Mobile is restricted.

    But I can try other things with MIL.

    I know time heals many thing, But I dont want to adapt in this life thinking its my fate, I would like to see some changes as years go by. Hope things will change.
     
  2. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    OP, I just shared one incident. That's all.
    You are the best one to judge your situation. You are the only one who knows the depth. These are just suggestions and options. You need to decide what you want in your life. The level of tolerance level varies from person to person. In my experience it is always better to be oneself than changing our personality or likes beyond our level of adjustment. It is very suffocating. It is very difficult to live like a bird in a golden cage. It is better not to allow others to control you beyond your comfort level. We don't need to be negative or aggressive or always fighting. we need to take the situation with a positive attitude and decide what works for us- ignoring, neglecting, or talking straight or handle it diplomatically, whatever.

    If you dont say you dont like christian devotional song, how can he know. Be strong and communicate well.

    May be a job will make you more confident to lead your life with dignity or may give you diversion from these control freaks. Never take any decision when you are angry or frustrated. Face life with a calm and cool mind. Be positive and strong. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2017
    zeppelingirl and Dishaa like this.
  3. AshMenon

    AshMenon Silver IL'ite

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    Next time she does this, politely reply "blue dress is a very good one, I will wear it for a grander function/occasion and wear the orange one :wink::wink::thumbsup:

    This is a serious red flag :nono::nono::rage: None has the right to delete playlists/music from laptop or mobile. You have your own tastes. If he likes devotional songs, let him listen to it. Try using earphones to listen to the music you want to.
     
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  4. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    You need to really stand up for yourself. I can;t understand how you can let them have so much control of your life. Live life the way you want to and if they get use, threaten to leave yourself. You really need to put an end to this.
     
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  5. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    There are many shaadi match making websites; why aren't there websites to match contingency* divorce lawyers with les miserables trapped in homes, under watch, and with no escape ?

    [*get paid from what they can extract from the malefactor**
    **gets you to wonder about the etymology of that word, eh?]
     
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  6. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Senior IL'ite

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    My husbands niece name is Disha

    I know suicide is not wise and it will only break my parents and my parents family. Others will move on like nothing happened. I don't think that way after that.

    My husbands clothes are in our room. Other stuff he keep wherever he likes. I still have 2 rooms I didn't explore even 5% in his home. He told me it's his mom and dad's room which I'm greedy of. Since the day hearing that I don't see it as my house. I want to move out if there is a chance. Anyway this house we are in is for his elder bro who is in U.S. which his parents didn't tell us before marriage. I never bothered as well. All I want is to move out now to a place where I get peace.

    I cant forgive my FIL for what he did. I tried too many times to forget what he did. But I couldnt. I have very little respect for him now.

    They never let me go anywhere alone. My FIL takes me to office in the morning which is 15 mins walk distance. If I go somewhere without informing them and when they find that out it will turn out a mess.

    I don't want to involve my parents bcos I'm afraid they won't let me go see my parents if they involved. I never share everything every time with my parents bcos my mom is kinda sick person. My husband asks me if my mom asked me to start a fight with him all time when we argue. But the truth my mom may not even be aware of the problems.
     
  7. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for the advice. My MIL is kinda good person. I wear saree and jewels for all marriage functions. I even wear saree for church some Sundays. I can do that for them. I'm doing that for them. You don't have to ask her what saree or jewel to wear. She directly come to my room and check all my jewels to direct me on wearing something she likes for every marriage I attended so far in this 8 months. I know she wants me to look good infront of her family. I have no problem with what she does. She is treating me like her daughter may be. But she is the one who doesn't want me to go to my home more than twice in a year. She says this way 'just 2 months back you saw your mother right, so you can go home after some 3 or 4 months'. She says it in a cheerful way. I dunno how she can say that when she has a daughter of her own who comes home atleast twice in a month. Or atleast my in-laws go and see her daughter atleast once a month, they can't go on without seeing her and kids for days. She needs her daughter but I don't need my mother. How cruel.

    My husband during the first few months of our marriage told me to book tickets for home if I feel like seeing my parents whenever I want. After my MIL getting involved my husband also reduced it to twice a year. After some years it will reduce to once a year it seems.

    And she doesn't like anything I bring from my home.
    Even if I bring the tastiest fruit from home, she says it's not tasty for the fact it's from my home.

    She is someone who went along with her daughter to pawn shop to see if the gold bangle my parents gave for her daughter is really 2 pawn, with no trust on us. And my MIL told that to me once without realising I will mistake her for what she did.

    She has this habit of speaking bad things about her own relatives a lot especially my FILs side. So she speaks a lot and told me the truth about pawn shop without realising it was about my family she was talking to me.

    Otherwise she is a good person in so many other things. She is welcoming when my parents or relatives come home. Sometimes I like her. Sometimes I feel like even she is no different from others.

    You dunno how much I please this people but everything goes in vain most of the times
     
  8. happydheivanai

    happydheivanai Bronze IL'ite

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    U r newly married so u r feeling dull... after few months u will b used to it. Most of the family r like this only...u can’t change ur in laws ...if ur sil is friendly just speak to her or try to change ur husband that’s the only solution ....if both was not happening just adjust for few years slowly ur husband will understand...
     
  9. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Op you are married into the family of control freaks. You only seem to have two choices left either to give in and get controlled or take charge of things. Start small like wearing clothes of your choice. You do not have to be blunt to make your way. But if your mil in law decides your clothes gently tell her that Maa sorry but i have decided to wear this , the dress you chose for me I will wear it on next function. Choose your battles very wisely. Do not expect your husband to stand up for you, it looks like that sonny boy still hasn't left mommy's finger. Try to start walking to you work without fils help. Next time go little bit early but do not tell him that you need to go early, or finish work early and come home yourself.

    In this battle and all the others yet to come your relationship to self and the divine will never disappoint you. Never expect undesired circumstances as the last resort. If your husband threatens you with the D word tell him that you both need this marriage equally, First lets work on this marriage and if nothing else works then that that option is always there. Never loose your cool. Be selective in your words and tone. If your husband starts a fight or something just lets not talk about this. Regarding your mil disliking the things coming from your parents, isn't it lovely saves your parents a lot of hassle of buying things for your in laws. Next time get gifts only for yourself and thats all. Do not paint a rosy picture of your marriage in front of your parents.

    All these problems can be tackled with a very mature mind and a lot of thick skin. People will always push you around but only if you let them. If you can, do make an effort read this book The Power of constructive thinking by Emmet Fox you can download the pdf version free of cost on your tablet or laptop. do try to fit Prayers, meditation and yoga in your routine, it helps clear the mental fog and boosts your self esteem. Remember you are your own best friend and big support. Do not bring a baby into this world untill you have sorted all the concerns about your marriage first.

    To all the younger generation who are on the verge of getting married. Times have drastically changed, Please do not get married without being financially independent. Always keep the window of at least one year between getting engaged and getting married. its important to know each other before you tie the knot.
     
  10. salad

    salad Silver IL'ite

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    Any hope for job change or transfer?
     
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