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How To Deal This Problem With In-laws?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by zeppelingirl, Oct 4, 2017.

  1. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Senior IL'ite

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    Haha.. I like the idea. But I have got no guts to do that. I'm ashamed of myself sometimes. When I took this footwear problem to my husband, he went and asked both his dad & mom. Both denied doing that.

    But I told my husband that I strongly doubt his dad, cos all my intuition said it was him. My husband answer was he knows his dad, he did such disgusting things to them when they were kids, but if he does something he agrees, he wont deny. So FIL didnt do it this time. My hus told me if I trust his dad (FIL), we will continue this relationship, otherwise he asked me to go to my home. I didnt talk abt that with him after that until now. But I have got zero respect for my FIL now.
     
  2. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Senior IL'ite

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    Yeah. I'm trying for different job now. If my husband threatens me again, I'm planning to walk out by letting him know that I want it to be informed to all my family member by his parents like how this marriage fixed.

    Again they don't let me go alone anywhere. Either FIL or husband takes me wherever I want to go. So if they plan not to let me go for job in faraway places, they wont take me to interviews.
     
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  3. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Senior IL'ite

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    If he had only shown his real face to me before marriage, I would have rejected him.
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    OP, Sometimes, life teaches us many lessons. It is one of them. If you cannot stand for yourself, no one will be there to help you. Only one solution to your problem is 'BE BOLD AND STRONG'. Also try to get a job and be independent. Please don't bring a baby until you are comfortable with your life there.

    You need to show them now itself that their controlling tactics dont work on you. If you wait more, you have to tolerate these controlling freaks for ever. What I understood from your posts is that you are unhappy and cannot accept their behavior. Learn to say 'NO' and be courageous to talk about your opinions heard in a calm and respectful way. You will definitely face objections but stick with your NO. Soon they realize it wont work.

    It is a new home/culture, so adjustment is definitely needed. But not to a level that sacrifice your peace of mind.If you need a good certificate from them just obey them . If you want to be happy. Dont care about their opinion, which you cannot accept and do things that make you happy. It is up to you choose what you want.

    Instead of asking 'can I go to my parents house' tell ' I want to visit my parents, I need to go'. If they resist, tell, they are my parents and I need to go.

    If they behave to you well, do extra effort to give them love and respect. If they control, completely ignore it ( by actions not by words). If they still continue to sit on your head. Let them know clearly that it wont work.

    "He makes me cry and watch it with no compassion" -
    Never ever cry in front of him. Crying is a strong message that you give to him that you are a weak person and his tantrums work on you. You need to show him you dont care and are happy with your own way. ( if you want to cry go to bath room / any other private space and cry)

    "threaten me by asking a divorce" - This is a tactic used by men to control women . If he repeats again. Tell him yes, you will also go for divorce as you dont like live in a jail like this. If he dont love you or want to live with you, you also dont want that.Also tell him that you will file complaint.

    "my in-laws doesnt want to do haircut" - it is your choice . All you need a scissors to cut your hair. If someone force or order you to do something which you cannot accept, for example like this- that moment itself cut your hair, but never utter a word. Show only action. 'MIL doesnt like to doing free hair' - it is good to tie your hair while cooking etc.. for hygenic reasons

    Most important, use your brain not emotions. Observe Observe Observe, experiment to see what work on them.
    Never complain to your dh about your ILS (watch beta movie if can) or the other way. If you like something in your MIL / FIL praise that infront of dh. But never complain. if you like any positive things, enforce it by your positive actions. If you dont like something, let them know very well that you dont like it or it wont work on you.

    Arguing, complaining, crying etc wont work and it make you appear like a weak person.

    Praise where ever you can, at the same time learn to talk well and loud and say NO (there are so many varieties of NO, learn how to use it) . If you said No to something, never say YES to it by others force. Stick with it. Know your rights and stand for it (dont allow others to treat you as a doormat). Always give respect and take respect. Maintain your elegance and standard. Be smart. learn to love you and respect you. Be what you are. Good luck

    ( I wrote it based on my experience. See if anything works for you.. Being an easy going person I used to tolerate many things and let it go. But people take it for granted. But I have a limit after that I dont allow anyone one to sit on my head. If they want seeta or savithri , treat me like that. If not I may become a 'bhadrakali' :) . My life taught me how to say NO very well. One of the biggest lesson in my life. Also be what you are, dont change your persona much, it will back fire)
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2017
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  5. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Divorce and send you off permanently to ur parents are baits used by H and inlaws... which will make us feel bad instantly and lower our head.
    Sometimes its not worth it to hurt our self respect. You are not demanding anythin wrong. Working and seeing parents should be your choice.

    Y dont these inlaws learn something from first son's marriage..their dirty tricks only seem to get cheap with second son.
    In my case, i am second DIL. First one left house since she couldnt take the crap and living away from my inlaws with my BIL. When i entered, the rules got strict even more cuz they thought they should enforce strict rules from day 1 and had panchayat sessions with parents and relatives when they feel i was not obeying. First 2 sessions, i kept my head down and cried may be whole month and even became suicidal. Then i joined this indusladies forum. Omg! This forum is like mother of all.. once i saw that this is a common tatic user by inlaws i realized that i wasnt at fault at all...just some tricks to keep me in control i started fighting back and started going out on road and shout. I am not that kind of person, but the bottled up frustration made me do that. We know inlaws only from few months, but the neighbors and relatives know them for long time and hence know what kind of ppl they are. Eventually most of relatives and neighbors opened up and supported me and started advising inlaws to back off a little.
     
  6. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Senior IL'ite

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    If he had only shown his real face to me before marriage, I would have re
    I'm facing the same situation just like yours. My MIL spoiled my husbands mind by telling bad things about her first DIL and worrying about his first son's life, but their life doesnt look bad at all. They seemed a good couple to my eyes. They might have got problems in the beginning bcos of my in-laws, just like my husband my BIL should have taken my in-laws side. But my co-sister is too bold and she left home once. I heard that my MIL even convinced my BIL to divorce her wife. My co-sister is in US since the day she got married. She has only spend a month or two with my in-laws so far. She came India this August month for a 2 month vacation, but stayed in our home just a night and left to her mother's house with her kid. She left US from her mom's house. Nobody says anything to her. Cos she will have answers. She knows how to deal this people.

    My husband doesnt speak with my co-sister, dunno the story. He didnt share with me even I asked. My MIL says he saw all the dramas and doesnt like to speak with her now. But that cant be true. MIL spoiled his mind saying bad things about my co-sister, and my husband has got now his own rules on how to control his wife. And the in-laws rules became even more strict.

    Even I had that suicidal thought after a nasty fight with my husband. He called me greedy. I got so many good proposals where the boys were rich and was in US, UK.. I rejected saying this and that. My husband's family is just a middle class family but he has got very good job. I chose him for his smiling face, polite and humble behaviour. But he is just the opposite now.

    Our room is the smallest one in home. 1 among the other 2 rooms is kinda big, no one using it. My husband throw some of my stuffs out saying no space in our room, so I asked him on anger to shift all our stuffs to the bigger room. He called me greedy and said too many hurtful words. I never married him for money. I married him bcos I thought he will treat me well. For one second I thought to suicide at that moment. I had no meaning in my life after hearing all those things. The same person, before marriage told me that he didnt want to take that room, becos it was already used by his bro and sis. So he chose this one we using now. How fake he is.

    He called my parents and my bro 3rd person in one fight. He told me he only cares about his sibling and parents. From that day on I dont speak with my parents and bro infront of him. I dont share stories of my home with him. If he treats my parents a 3rd person. How should I treat my in-laws? I'm always being a good DIL since I came to this new home. Never once said NO to my in-laws, even if I dont like what they say or ask me to do, I tell a OK or YES.

    My MIL doesnt like anything my parents buy me. Everytime she tells me what to wear when I go outside. One day I confronted and told her that I wanted to wear an orange chudi my parents bought me, when she asked me to wear a blue one. But she said ok. Then later she came to my room secretly when my husband was not around and told me that the orange one didnt look good on, and so to wear the blue one. Orange one is too costly dress, and some 10 people in my office told me that dress was good on me. I felt hurt and never showed it to her. My MIL knows how to hurt people. How to deal this type problem when she comes again like this to me?
     
  7. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Senior IL'ite

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    He hurt me so bad by words, sometimes I cant help it, tears come down. I ask him after the fight if he really meant what he said. He says YES. He can atleast say NO so that I will feel good little bit. But he is cruel.

    Not all time I cry infront of him. I almost cry everyday in sleep thinking how I got stuck up with this life and what will my family think when they find out how I'm living here. I tell them all that I'm happy here so husband has got good name in my family.

    But its a good idea to threaten him by saying that I will file a complaint. I will use it when he says this divorce word next time.

    Thanks for the advice. It was good.

    He has this habit of not speaking with me for days after a fight. I should go and convince him even if the mistake is not on my side. I even tried not speaking with him for a week to see if he comes himself. But NO. thinks its kinda punishment for me. Sometimes he even makes me feel extreme bad to the point I feel like I dont have anybody there and finds myself very lonely

    If its phone call, he cut the call inbetween conversations and never return my calls for 2 or more days. I find it childish. I dunno why he doesnt act like an adult.

    How to change this? Or is there a way to make him come back after a fight?

    He never said a sorry even once. I say sorry all time to end fight even if the mistakes are not on my side.
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    OP, I don't see anything unusual :) in your husbands behavior. I heard same stories many times and also faced it my self. It is the "Indian husband's tactic" (based on my limited experience) to give silent treatment to wife and make her feel like she did a crime. Please dont fall into that trap.

    I have also faced it many times. Silent treatment was not in my dictionary till I got married, I learned it from dh. But now I am a master in silent treatment (I talk less, but no service). My Guinness world record is four months:cheer: ( I was 100% sure that I don't do anything wrong. so gave it back to my dh's surprise). I dont suggest it to any one. But just sharing. These things are pretty common.

    If you think you haven't done anything wrong, you dont need to say sorry. Please dont spoil your husband by saying that for no genuine reason. I agree with your decision of not talking about your family matter to him if not needed. Always talk only positive things from your family side.

    So don't worry , be happy and take it easy. You need to show him his silent treatment had no effect on you. That's the trick. I know it is not easy. But try it at least. Even if he is not talking to you, talk minimum things. He may pretend like he didn't hear or keep mum. It is ok. Just convey your message as usual. Stop doing all special service to him. But in front of every one act very normal and happy. Your issues should be confined within you two. If someone ask anything, just show a surprised face that you dont have any clue and you are ok ( this suggestion only for silly fights like this not for any serious abuse). Can you smile or laugh when your husband starts talking in bad words as if you are watching a joker. or just walk away from the scene.

    Act as if nothing happened, act like you are very happy. when people want us to see sad , we need to show them we are happy (pretend at least). That is best punishment for them. They need to wonder why are you happy and make them curious and make them come to you. Practice makes man perfect. People get attracted to happy and cheerful people most of the time.

    Stop expecting anything like this (more communication). you carry on with what you want. Talk what you want. That makes you relaxed than being silent. Spend more time on you to relax ( music, movies, comedy, books, meditation, hobbies, I don't know what you have. At least got to your room , sing and dance yourself if that make you happy).

    You have been married for only 8 months. It is the time to build trust and understanding. Learn the art of ' Pillow talk'. Sorry if its not related. Most men listen well after "that". Make sure both of you are happy with that life.

    OP, please dont misunderstand me. I am not asking you fight. I am asking to ignore those things which dont deserve any attention. Time heals many things. Be positive and try to build a good relation with dh. Be smart. Good luck.

    ["My MIL knows how to hurt people. How to deal this type problem when she comes again like this to me?" What did you do with dress? you wear orange or blue. If she say it doesn't suit you and if you think it is correct then listen. If you feel she is trying to hurt .. then say .. "OK mom.. I like this dress very much . I like orange color". and then wear your favorite dress. why you need her approval. Dont allow anyone to babysit you, you are an adult. She controls it because she know you will follow. As long as you dress well and properly for the occasion, why need anyone's approval. Your comfort is most important

    "Everytime she tells me what to wear when I go outside' if you like her suggestion try to follow. If not, go your decision. Why you should discuss. Just listen through one ear and leave it through other ear and wear what you want. If she question, dont reply back. pretend as if you didnt hear. If she ask again, say "this is what I like .. in a sweat way and then praise her dress and change topic", don't change the dress even if she asks. I wrote my thinking please do what fits in your situation. Try not take these situations very seriously.. Handle it smoothly as if nothing happened]

    Be positive and strong
     
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2017
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  9. Dishaa

    Dishaa Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Op,

    I am hereby asking u a few questions, based on ur posts...

    My question, do u think committing suicide will solve all ur problems? Suicide is not a solution, here at least u know ur situation up to some extent but there u don't know what's in store for u.

    My second question: Why ur Husband or others need to accompany u for job interviews? Please try "Google Map" in ur phone, u will get the directions also coordinate with the company board line nos get the directions, take half day or leave from office and attend.


    Third question, why u want to make a good name for ur husband, does he or his family value that? Declare ur problems to ur and his family let them know, also inform local police station about ur sufferings. Is it possible for u to install spy camera in ur house for live recording, if yes get the same recorded, which will help u a lot in dealing with ur inlaws and their tantrums.



    Fourth question, what about his stuffs are they still intact?




    Fifth question, how do u feel after hearing this (listen ur heart and brain) and answer honestly.

    Best Wishes


     
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  10. RohiniVenkat

    RohiniVenkat Silver IL'ite

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    Hi dear,

    Please calm yourself. Nothing has went out of your hand. You still have plenty of time to make the house pleasant as you wish. Here are the things you need to concentrate on..

    To get rid of your DH's blackmail--

    You need to be financially independent. To be so, work hidden about the new job and interviews. Get placed in a good company with nice salary, once the joining is confirmed, just give the information to your DH and PILs prior to a week or less. Do not listen anyone if they stop you to join or so. Once you have done with that, you will get the courage in you seamlessly.

    While he is blackmailing about divorce, tell him to inform everyone who attended your marriage also explaining the reason for the divorce too.

    Next time if he do so, please warn him that he will be eligible to get the penalty for getting DOWRY and verbal harrasment for silly things.

    Foremost thing, never care or cry for the blackmailing, BARKING DOGS SELDOM BITE.

    To get out of your FIL's words..

    If your DH asks you to trust him, you tell him with love, I have meant to love you blindly and trust you apart from you NOBODY. Since I'm married to YOU ONLY.

    To get out of your MIL's orders--

    I do not find your MIL is such harmful as your FIL, so I think I can ignore her. It is all because, she want to show off you to the society in a good manner. I hope you can ignore it, if still it bothers, you can tell that you do not feel comfortable in saree and try to make her mind of it.

    My analysis on this (its been a year I got married to a such sort of family of you)

    1.You cannot WIN if you are too aggressive.
    2.Your words will not be bothered if it is ACTIVE (Use passive)
    3.You have to be financially strong or independent so that you can feel some secure feel in the worst scenario
    4.You can WIN everything ONLY IF YOU WIN your DH's heart.
    5.Try not to complaint everything to DH directly on the face.
    6.You should be flexible at first, once all fall in the place try to be like THE REAL YOU.
    7.You should give an impression to your DH that you're adjusting a lot for their parents, atleast for a month or more, so then he will consider your words / wishes.
    8.You should be more particular about DH in two things, Food and Bed.
    9.Take care of him like a kid, even over do, there are no man who will never fall for that. Use it as your tool.
    10.To make all these things workout, throw out your EGO and apologize your DH and make him trust you that you're changed.

    Most Important Thing Is **You should use your DH as a tool to attack the mocking PILs & playa safe / smart game**

    P.s: It is hard to follow these at first, but once you do, you will feel the difference.

    Ex: If your MIL will ask you to attend a family function wearing all saree and jewels, ask her prior to the function which saree and jewel set you need to wear to the function. Add icing like, shall we wear same color saree to the function which will make her feel good about you. Then you will see a different MIL there on.

    ACT SMART BABY, Luck is your's :) :cheer::number_one::thumbup:
     
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