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How To Deal This Problem With In-laws?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by zeppelingirl, Oct 4, 2017.

  1. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    It's been 8 months since I got married. My in-laws are good people sometimes but too dominating and controlling always. They are not a bit satisfied with me and my family.

    My in-laws demanded 5lakh in hand, and jewels as per our wish. My husband seem a good person and I got married in a grant ceremony beyond my parents capacity. But my in-laws never satisfied at all, saying they didn't demand dowry only bcos they wanted a good family and good girl. They demanded and got money and now after marriage they think that 5 lakh is very small amount and it doesn't count as dowry.

    I'm kinda thin. So they making me eat too oily, fried food to make me fat, saying my parents never took care of me well. Like they made me starve at home. My husband thinks Im living life better than my home here in this new family which is wrong.

    I wear modern cloths before marriage, we informed that to my in-laws and husband. And also my parents informed that I'm not fond of wearing jewels. Everything informed clearly before marriage to them.

    When they came and see me for the first time to confirm the marriage proposal. I was only wearing a simple chudi, free hair, a very small thin chain, a earring stud, and a big dial watch. Thats me. I dont want to put a show off by wearing jewel and saree that day. And also my parents inform them that I have only wore saree twice before marriage and not much interested in it.

    My husband liked the simple me and said "Yes". I also liked him. The marriage got fixed and we got married in 2 months.

    But after marriage everything got changed. My in-laws wanted me to wear silk saree whereever I go, and my MIL tells me what dress to wear everytime I out with my husband. Also she insisted me wearing jewels all time. I didnt like my MIL interfering in my personal and took it to my husband. But he never took my side and asked me to do whatever she says. My husband had no problem in me wearing jean for first month of marriage, until my FIL told us not to wear jean. Since then he never let me wear jean and I fight with him asking why he listens to his father, instead of listening to my needs.

    My FIL doesnt like girls wearing big dial watch, so my husband never let me wear it. Instead he takes the blame on him and says he doesnt like me wearing it.

    MY MIL doesnt like to doing free hair. I always maintain short hair since my childhood. Now my in-laws doesnt want to do haircut. On the day of my engagement my MIL made my SIL and her cousins to change my hairstyle without my consent since they didnt like it. My husband taking their side and pretending he likes what his parents like

    I had a footwear in different color strap which my FIL didnt like. He asked me not to wear that too many times. Since my husband didnt listen to him. I wore that with no problem. It was a present from my bro before marriage. One fine day my FIL cut the slipper strap with a knife or blade or whatever. He wakes up early morning and he did that disgusting thing before anyone sees it. As usual I got ready for office on one friday and found the slipper strap was cut off, which is not possible at all since its a new footwear and a good one. It wont tear off that easily. Morning when I wore a different slipper, my FIL saw my feet to check what Im wearing. I have got no proof to defend my side. By I got extremely hurt by what he did.

    They dont appreciate anything my parents buy me. from fruits to very expensive stuff.

    Bcos of them, me and my husband fighting quite often and there is no peace between us anymore.

    Whenever I bring anything about his parents to him, he blackmails and threaten me by asking a divorce

    I cant say these things to my parents cos my mom is a sick person.

    Im extremely depressed and emotionally tortured by my husband nowadays often. He calls me a sick and mad person. He makes me cry and watch it with no compassion. He says Im crying for nothing.

    There is no use in explaining things to my husband, since he is not understanding.

    How can I change this situation at home?
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2017
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  2. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    It seems u r in joint family. Try talking to ur mil directly about ur wish to wear jeans in a nice way. since u say ur in-laws are good in other aspects, hope she understands.
     
    zeppelingirl likes this.
  3. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Op,

    I think ur parents should educate you about what a married life is like. Giving a good education, freedom with cloth styling is easy part. But honey, you dont get to keep ur maiden name(not on records) after getting married. You are part of new family.. so they will have new rules. You should divorce ur H if these things are bothering you and you can go live a free life.
    Do you think 2 sisters will behave alike after growing up under same roof?? Here, you r talking abt a new family alltogether. Just like ur parents gave u good education, freedom..ur inlaws did the same thing to ur H.
    Many ppl from ur inlaws gen think that the DIL becomes their property since the day of engagement. She made the change in ur hairstyle.. wrong for sure. You should have opposed them right there or ur parents should have seen it as a redflag. But no, you walked into marriage knowing it fully. And i bet that even if u got engaged to another guy, there would have been something thing else. No one is perfect.
    So, coming to the life now, show some patience. Wearing jeans, not wearing jewellery is not end of life. Middle class life demands all these. Inlaws only want to see that dil looks "sanskari" and not cheap. You cant have the same life post marriage. There will be changes. So, focus on positive things like learning cooking and showing patience.
    I moved from usa. My mil saw me in micro mino skirts. But, once i moved to india, all hell broke loose. Jeans, kurthis, spending time on terrace/garden,etc all were taboo.. i was angry initially and have shown all my anger,frustration on everyone. My parents supported me(which i hate till date). But, eventually i realized that the middle class neighbourhood that i live had mixed ppl around who would eagerly wait for an opportunity for the new girl to come out, see her, judge her, stalk on FB, get phone num to chk out whatsapp DP, etc.. what not.. My parents too live in middle class area since we r from middle class, but ppl around there have seen me since childhood and hence dont have bad eyes on me when i wear jeans..
    So,honey, make changes slowly. Wear jeans only when u r out of sight of ur ils, remove jewelley once u r out of house, keep ur fav footwear in ur car and wear ur fil fav footwear while leaving house. Slowly, you will get to wear ur fav stuff full time without hiding. Inlaws just need an assurance that u r part of their family too. By doing this, you are not being submissive or subordinate or lowering ur level. You are just being smart.
     
  4. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    Am sorry to hear what you are going through.. I would say pick your battles wisely.. if you think wearing that slipper is important, go get another one exactly like that.. keep buying a new one if they mess with what you have..

    Dont bring anything to your husband, deal with it yourself.. you are an adult. As long as it is appropriate for the place you are visiting, wear what you are comfortable in..if people oppose, dont respond.. or just say am sorry that we have different tastes, but i like this one..you are an adult, and no one should be forcing you to dress a certain way..
     
    Amica, Rihana and zeppelingirl like this.
  5. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Senior IL'ite

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    @YoGirl My engagement was the day before my wedding. There is no way to stop wedding bcos of SIL touching my hairdo.

    Me and my husband discussed everything before marriage, he had no problems with whatever the problem I'm facing now. But now he has changed a complete different person after marriage, keeping divorce as a blackmailing tool. So I never walked into marriage knowing everything. Only he walked into the marriage knowing the real me and thinking he can control me after marriage.

    And my FIL spoiling my footwear is no small deal. Its just like slitting my throat when I'm asleep.

    My SIL who is in India wears mini frock, sleeveless whatever and post stuff on facebook for everyone to see. Does it not spoil my in-laws name? Does it not attract neighbours eyes?

    But they talk bad behind my co-sister who is in US for wearing modern cloths.

    My parents never told me that I'll completely lose my freedom after marriage and will be a puppet to the new people.

    FIL doesnt want me to sit or stand or walk or speak or keep quiet or do whatever when I'm in livingroom. So I stopped being in livingroom for more than 10 mins.
     
    sindmani and Rihana like this.
  6. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    When I say adult i am thinking of someone who knows not to wear jeans when visiting a grand ma in law in the village or a family function in the in laws side...

    Also as a newly wed wife, you don't have to be a doormat and agree to everything, but i would consider dressing different once in a while to my husband's preference, especially if dh says i like you in that saree or you look lovely when you wear these jewels! Would help make your bond closer.
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2017
  7. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Senior IL'ite

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    But my husband never let me buy a new one. I don't have the guts to confront my in-laws. Also I'm afraid if I do that, my husband will treat me even bad than this
     
  8. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Are you financially independent ?
    You don't have to be rude or talk back to your in laws, but can still keep doing what you want..
    I don't think you can live your entire life under fear or threat of a divorce. You have to figure out a diplomatic way of putting things across without having to fight.
     
  9. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Senior IL'ite

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    I do wear saree and jewels for my husband whenever he asks me, to show that I love him. But I'm worried he doesnt respect my mine just like how I respect his needs. I dunno how to make him understand that. It feels like my love is just one sided all time. He gives all his love and attention for his parents and lovables.
     
  10. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Dont worry OP, relationships take time .. In the meantime try not to complain about his parents to him..dont compare yourself to your SIL, although these double standards are annoying.. If I were you, I would go on a shopping trip with my SIL and buy the exact same dress she buys ( may be a diff color) and say hey I and my new sis got matching outfits to wear one day, how is it.. see what the IL's have to say ;)
     

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