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How To Deal/ Mingle With Neighbors

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Jas82688, Jun 23, 2019.

  1. Jas82688

    Jas82688 Silver IL'ite

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    hello ladies ,

    I have brought up in India where we are very close with our neighbors almost like extended families .. 3 families like that .. we as Kids used to spend lot of time with neighbors .. so they are more than relatives for us .. this is the story until we grow up.. now all of us are married now just hi or bye on WhatsApp.. fine

    Now living in us .. my husband is reserved less taking .. he just minds his own business can’t socialize with anyone or mingle . He finds issues with every person so my life went in US Without any friends from last 7 years ..

    Now after having kids I realized I need to start sociolizig with others .. so when we bought a home I choose desi community here .. 90% are desi’s so I thought kids and me can get few friends ..

    Coming to this community all are good ( may be I assume ) friendly initially .. I used to talk with them very nicely .. husband still same ... he never comes outside or talked with neighbors .. he says hi bye while entering Home if they are out side ..

    Now my issue is I see these families 7 to 8 are might be excluding us .. not sure why I felt like that .. they had a get together we are not invited ..2 families celebrated birthdays not invited .. I felt bad .. they smile and talk nice If am outside .. I have invited them for my kids birthday even before they excluded me but they dint show up saying out of city ..

    Am not feeling bad about not inviting for get together but kids birthday party ..

    Am clueless .. I can’t change my husband can’t make him gel with them .. can’t expect neighbors to invite me n kids it’s their wish I understand ..but it’s bothering me since my kids wants to play and attend birthday parties ..

    Few major parties I attended ..I see them talking in groups where I feel like I dint have anything to talk .. all topics are around costly latest cars latest dresses beauty products restaurants movies .

    How to get over this feeling ..? How to make neighbors to include us too even though hubby is not getting mingled with them ..

    Note : I heard people used to make friendship based on how rich you are ..? Based on what cars you have .. have seen them talking about few costly cars they own .. where as we lead low peofile here though we dint maintain costly cars we have decent cars ..

    As I said they talks nice in front of me I don’t have any negative feelings about them .. so wanted to make friendship with them so that my kids can have friends around the home ..

    Am full time working mom with two kids one toddler .. so any suggestions how to deal or mingle with these neighours .
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2019
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  2. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Are all their getogethers done along with husbands? There are two kinds, mom n kids then families n kids.

    Were they really out of city ?

    How old are the kids? Can they step out of the house n play in the evening? Since it’s a community. That way your kid will be invited by the kid itself.

    I have seen this too, but it doesn’t apply always. As long as you can talk to them with ease about any or most topics, it’s easy to mingle. Many of mine or others groups has a mix from rich cars to regular cars / small houses to luxury bungalows/ beach houses. It’s not like a strict recruitment policy. Connecting with atleast one person in the group or ease of conversation is important.

    Let your kids out to play.
    Have a small getogether at your home for the ladies n kids.
    You can make a treat n send over.
    Find one person in the group that’s easier to connect n WhatsApp chat.
    Appreciate things about them, their dp, in a nice way, not creepy.
    Show up everyday to talk with them, even if for 5 mins.

    Understand, even in a kids group, the new kid has to try n try to get in n get accepted. Till then they maybe chased n called loser n stuff like that. But the new kid will show up everyday till one day they give him a try, maybe chase again, accepted again. Then finally one day he becomes one of them.

    With women, it’s more polished n complicated. It may take some time, but you being the new guy has to try different things to get in.

    Not all accepts with open arms, you try for what you want. Do you have other neighbours as well, apart from these 7-8 families ? If yes, extend a hand to them too. Widen the circle.
     
  3. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Seems quite normal. Same thing happens even outside India. And you moved to USA when you are an adult, and noticed just such a thing.
    Follow hubby's model, and focus your attention on the kids. Be yourself, and the neighbours would come to you.

    We live in very cold climate, and there is much outdoorsy work to be done. All the guys get to do the seasonal outdoor work, and when they do, and take a break together at the property line, they chat. Lawn mowing (or garden weeding) in spring & summers, Raking leaves in the fall, snow shoveling in the winters -- all give opportunities for them to meet the neighbour, stand leaning against whatever implement they are using (mower, rake, snow-shovel etc..) and talk. Sometimes, when there is no one coming out to talk, the neighbour wonders if the guy is sick, overworked, or.. is out of town, and voluntarily helps out -- by running their mower, leaf-vacuum, or snow-thrower over both properties. When that happens, and it is obvious which neighbour had been helpful, you'd know they like you. Give them a gift -- something healthy (not too sweet) and edible (so that it can be consumed) -- box of cookies is ideal, and thank them.

    In America, hanging out together with only desi's is not healthy. A mixed community helps by educating all about the nature of humans -- that we are all the same, even though we wear colourful outfits, and others wear drab mumu's.
     
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  4. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    This one is so true!
     
  5. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi why are you so set on being accepted by these 7 or 8 famillies. It takes time to build relationships and hard to enter social circles. I don't know the age of your kids, but much easier to be friends with kids at school and have play dates with them. In North America neighbours are much different then in India. They mind their own business and may chose to speak to people they like. Are their any other cultural famillies in your area. Approach them. Not healthy to focus just on desi famillies. I was born and raised in Canada, and find caucasion friends the best. Indian friends, the ones I had (not generalizing) were to judgemental and told their parents everything we did and many other bad habits. I have stopped socializing with desis unless I meet someone nice. My point here, is keep your options open. As well, if your husband is not social hard for you to entertain and attend these parties because chances are he will not go or be social. Focus in on your kids, be yourself, and if someone wants to be your friend accept it. But keep your options open.
     
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  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Be yourself , unapologetically. Dont take it personally if you are not invited to a routine , run of the mill social gathering with typical desis. Parents have the biggest responsibility to be secure , confident about themselves, because you influence your kids with your mindset and behavior. Plan family outings, or movie nights at home ( library, creative hobbies etc ).
    Your husband is not a social butterfly, accept and respect it.
    When you are confident and content with yourself as a person, people will want to associate with you more. If they don’t, it will not matter to you and honestly, it’s their loss.
     
  7. Dhamini

    Dhamini Silver IL'ite

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    People are generally very busy nowadays and even though living in apartments, we hardly ever know them in India and same goes overseas. Everyone are busy and in majority both the couples are working and want to spend weekends with family. Time just flies and many even if willing don’t have enough time to socialise. So just go on with the flow and if someone gets back to you continue the friendship.
     
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  8. Mehana

    Mehana Gold IL'ite

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    In USA being new environment for you, this kind of experience is very common here. May be after few years you will realize how to make friends and who can be your friends. As others told keep your options open not just desi families. With my experience I would say try to have playdate with non desi as well if you feel they are good to you. If few desi families are good enough continue their friendship else move on ...no point of wasting your time it's not even worth penny.

    Here desi people are more judgemental (75%) and also they are smart enough to know with whom they wanted to continue their friendship and more comparing based on kids classes, education, job etc.

    I have few Indian families they are so good and I do my best to keep in touch with them. Other desi families though I did invite, potluck etc those peoy doesn't even care to say hi or talk back...I realized this after 6 years coming to USA no point of talking about them.

    Be happy and talk to everyone whom you feel they wanted to continue your friendship. Please leave others as they don't even going to help rather theythey be happy if you have any problem. Always maintain your happiness among those people.
     
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  9. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    My advice would be: Be cordial with your neighbors, but look for close friendships outside your immediate neighborhood.

    If a friendship with one of your neighbors goes south, it's nearly impossible to avoid the ex-friend. Some ex-friends can be vicious. There are horror stories on IL of families being isolated/boycotted/bullied all because they got off on the wrong foot with one petty person.

    Let your kids go out and mingle without being affected by adult politics.
    .
     
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  10. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    Try to get friends with kids parents. As far as I know as the kids become friends at school they usually make their parents friendly. Don’t worry about whether they are desi or not. If you are comfortable then you can continue their friendship.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.

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