How To Cope Up With This Situation

Hello Everyone,

I am writing this with a heavy heart. my father passed away a month back and am feeling like in hell.
I know this is going to be very tough and am gonna be missing him years.
He was the best dad and raised us with lot of hardwork. You may be thinking am writing here to get some good soothing words, well the reason of my post is not only to get all your wishes to my dad soul rest in peace.
but also i am not able to figure out on 2 things.

first one being - my own guiltiness related to my father
secone one on how to deal with my mom mistakes at this hard time for her.

First to give some background, as most of families there were lot of arguments going on in our family past few years. To mainly talk about my mom and dad. they are so innocent and dumb kind of people.
mom and dad both never had any proper planning and always do silly things. They did lot of hardwork raised but due to their no planning and silly mistakes nature we always used to make wrong decisions, get into dealings with wrong persons(relatives), loose money, end up serving relatives for months and also at end relatives would insult us.

One such thing was a house renovation plan of my mom and dad, Dad asked all 3 of us for years to renovate house and finally i was able to save money and started it 3 yrs ago. But they made wrong plan of building a 5 store building, selected a worst relative who ate all our money and lot of physical stress for them and also one of my sibling staying with parents. I was the first one to start funding for the house and its estimate doubled than my plan. then my other sister and brother also put their money and they started shouting on me for selecting some designs.
Then my dad in middle of the plan pressured a lot that we should stop construction and let the house be incomplete, , well i said it was unfortunate that estimation doubled, all 3 of our savings went into it but i insisted to finish the house. So it was completed and getting good rents also.
the house completed which looks like a palace now. But my father never was happy with me for doing so. He made me educated to earn money, when i was spending money to finish his dream project house, he got upset on me.
When we had house incomplete for 6 months, all relatives neighbours used to say why you kept house incomplete, me, my sister and brother all are earning good so it wasnt impossible to put extra money for completion which we did. If not what was the use of us earning. But dint know my dad thinking.
He used to get upset if we 3 bought new furniture and fight on why we throwing old things in house.

my last trip which was 6 months back, my dad kept unhygenic, dust stuff at home, so i argued and fighted with him, cleaned the house. cleaned his room and throwed like 7 bags of trash. ( all papers, plastic with tons of dust). He got so angry for doing that but i did for his health. How bad to keep bedroom with tons of dust.
during that trip i took him to hospital to have whole body check up, he did a big fight in hospital said doctor is not good, he only want to his old doctors . ON the way i shouted badly that why he torturing us, i said i have lot of money and spending $$$ of dollars on flight tickets, where as he doesnt let me spend some 10 thousand rupees for his health check up, i was seeing his unhealthy food habits and tried my best to tell him to eat healthy.
There are my friends who doesnt care anything just visit INdia have fun and come back.
But i was getting upset for being concerned.

My dad got sick 2 months back, he argued for everything, i understood due to age he was being nagging, but he would argue with proper speech for even 2 hrs. he refused going to doctors and taking medicines for which i used to shout on him to take medicines.
He was hospitalized after lot of force from me and siblings, but doctors said critical as he has lot of issues.
I saw tickets and was planning to go in 2 weeks. then i got call he passed away due to sudden heart atack.

I was shocked, divasted, went INdia for his funeral rights. The reason i was calling India every day for 2 hrs yelling at my dad mom was to avoid this but it happened.
Now I feel bad for scolding my dad for these things but i did them for his good. I was planning to visit in 2 weeks also saw tickets but he got attack suddenly and left. didnt give me chance to see him, serve him.
Is that a punishment god or my dad gave me for scolding him. ? how should i live with this mental agony through out my life.
what all i did or said was for his good but it ended up with a tragedy.
thats my FIRST problem.

second one is - how should i console my mom. my mom even now does same, she will be nice with bad mentality relatives, i explained thousand times still she will be behaving bad with some relatives who helped us in hard times.
she used to blame my dad for keeping house unhygenic but even she is the same. as usual during my stay used to tell her but she wont listen.
worst eating habits, she eats at 4 pm lunch and night 11 30 pm being diabetic.
I tried in many ways, if i say more she gets pissed off and shouts . then i used to shout back. she would get upset.
Things happened in past with mom -
3 yrs back trip, there was not even a pillow and bed sheet to sleep so i slept on ground. There wont be plates to eat for me, all packed in store room. when i ask my mom how can she not even have a mattress for me and kids sleep, she said no space in house, didnt come in her mind.
2 yrs back when i asked she said - house was under construction so she couldnt think. Am not asking her do, but pay extra money to maid and get some basic needs arranged for my stay.
last yr trip there was bed, but no pillows and she said same kind of reasons.

this trip when i asked her for vessels as i had to cook, she would yell am in sorrow that your father left, how can you scold me for these. well we all in sorrow but we have to live life, cannot be like that without basic needs.

she lives with my sibling, and we also kept a maid. my mom never adjusts with maids, i would search hard and put a maid, she will take them off in 3 months with complaints. when ever i visit India with my 2 small kids, i see hell, my mom cant do any work. she cant even do a breakfast till 11:00 am and i used to feel like fainting, if i keep maid she takes them away. so i end up entering kitchen and doing cooking myself the moment i get down the flight.
Like i arrive 5 am flight, by 8 am i will be in my mom kitchen trying to arrange , clean dust and cook for everyone. that physical strain used to make me shout on my mom. and for that reason i didnt take my kids for dad funeral rights. But i feel bad about it now.

my mom thinks she is the one having right to feel depressed and sorrow. i am so concerned, now if i tell her again to eat something healthy or visit a doctor she will get angry.
she doesnt have interest in cooking
she doesnt have interest in watching tv
she doesnt have interest in house keeping or plants. ?

now i donno how she will handle alone, only thing she has relax is talking to relatives but who will come every day.

how should i handle this situation.

 

Thanks Rihana for the suggestion. My brother stays with my mom.
I asked him to come US with my mom, He was in US for years and left due to GC issue.
Again to start H1 and start process he doesnt have interest. he has a excellent pay job and he build a big house and some property. He asked me to call my mom and facetime with my kids, thats the only thing he asked.

i asked my mom to come for visit and she dont want to leave my brother alone, she want to come once my brother gets married.
all relatives were asking me , brother goes to work so how will mom stay alone.
i had no answer. we hired a maid but donno what my mom will do. The maid went for 2 days off and my mom talks about taking her off completely.

Main reason of my guiltiness is staying in another country due to which i couldnt make a trip. I visited 6 months back that too with lot of arguments and was about to visit this august but didnt. My husband stopped and kept arguing that my dad health will be fine.
3 months back when my dad got sick, and i was talking on phone 2 hrs day, i asked my husband that i should visit India frequently coz cannot talk to old parents on phone keep yelling. Need to sit beside and take care of them.
He argued and fought for days saying that i should visit India once in 2-3 years and that too for only 2 weeks.

Even now my husband doesnt talk about my next visit to India.

 

ChennaiExpress,

Thank you so much. your post made me felt so good.
Yea i really dont know how will anyone will face these kind of situations. how can one keep up with the loss of parent.
our family had many problems but we were able to stand up as family. But one of them have been taken away by god and we are shattered.
a big void and emptiness.

Thanks again dear.

 

Rihana,
Reason for me thinking so much is that i failed to do anything, my father was sick and i couldnt even go and see him coz my husband didnt let me. I couldnt go when my brother was separated and parents were sad.

My husband took care of kids when i went coz he dont want my kids to be with my moms side. He said kids shouldnt see funeral and didnt let me take my kids . I was already mourning and didnt had patience to fight so i left with immediate flight.
One time i was adamant and went india with 2 kids and he fought with me for 2 months for my 8 days trip.
My husband reasons to stop
- we will plan after 6 months,
-kids will get sick in India, there school will be missed. my younger one is 3 and elder one 9.
husband always says we will go after 6 months and stops me and then after 6 months his parents come US or his office work and it gets postponed.
Past 10 yrs i went India 4 times. 2 times i went for 8 days and 12 days trip.