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How to convey this to MIL???? Urgent!!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by wannabmommy, Feb 21, 2012.

  1. wannabmommy

    wannabmommy Silver IL'ite

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    Many of you might know about my previous problem abt lack of intimacy in our relationship. After a lot of struggle we are able to live a somewhat normal married life. Now again devil in paradise...my ILs are coming to stay with us for quite some some. The thing is even if our house is a big one and my ILs have a separate room for them...MIL doesn't want to give us privacy. She will come and sleep with us every night for sometime and then only go to her room. Even after H comes from office she will come behind us to the room and be with us when we want to talk something in private & will say "hope you don't mind".

    H doesn't mind her coming n spending time before we sleep...I find it really awkward :bonk This time I have decided I will not let this happen. But really dont know how to convey this to her ( I mean how foolish can an elderly lady be)...literally racking my head on this. I want to convey clearly but not getting how to.

    Please help me on how do I deal with this???

    I will delete this post after a while for safety reasons...please bear with me.

    Thanks!
     
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  2. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Is is not possible that your DH spends some time in the living room before going to bed or may be he can go to her bedroom, have a chat. I guess, it will be better than she sleeping in your bedroom.
     
  3. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    It is not good manners for a MIL to come into son's bedroom and sit with them.

    May be you can do one thing. Your husband when he comes back from work can sit in the living for sometime....ask the parents how they have spent their day and chat for a while and then can go to his room. So, the wish of talking with their son for a while would be fulfilled and they would not come into your bedroom to talk. You can try this.
     
  4. suryakala

    suryakala IL Hall of Fame

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    Really,it is very very awkward to hear this situation,I felt pitty on you!It is absolutely wrong on her part.
    You have to talk to your husband ,about this, when you both are alone.
     
  5. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    I have come across so many such posts on il...I think all mils need to go for counselling before son gets married. Such women have a prob in letting their son come close to their wife. The Indian husband also needs to grow a spine and put his foot down in case of ridiculous behavior...my husband tells me that these days parents put extreme pressure on their sons to take care of them...guys don't like such pressure and they give in to ridiculous demands.

    In op's case her husband needs to deal with this. He in some way has to prevent his mom from entering the room. Op will fall in big trouble if she tries to do or say something on her own.
     
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  6. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi dear, keep peace and don't make an issue of the situation. Better ignite the romance in ur life! Dress up in some sexy lingerie and take the lead of ur love life! Make ur hubby realize wat he is missing in his life when his mom sleeps in ur room! :thumbsup
     
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  7. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    Agreed, your mil is a nutcase. But some questions:
    A. How much time every night does she sleep in your bedroom?
    B. where does she sleep? On the couch or bed itself? Do you three end up sleeping on the same bed, she sandwiched between you two?
    C. Does she actually sleep off or she just want to hang around chatting?
    D. Does your h spend any time with them otherwise? Does he sit in the living room or visit their bedroom to talk to them? Do you guys have your supper together?
     
  8. wannabmommy

    wannabmommy Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot all for your replies...means so much to me!

    To answer all your further questions:

    1) Yes as soon as he comes home he will talk to all of us in the living room & then go inside to change and call me to talk...still MIL will follow :(
    2) We have evening snacks, dinner together n then play indoor games, chit chat & then go to sleep...is this not enough for her???
    3) She will sleep near my H on the bed...she will come in the pretext of visiting the toilet (which is next to our room) & then come inside.
    4) My worst trouble is even if she doesn't come by herself my H will call her.
    5) She will chat with her son in bed, by that time I will doze off after a long day and then she will go back to her room. I used to act as if I'm sleeping to shoo her away but eventually started to actually sleep.

    Even during the day she will be behind me (not directly controlling though). She doesn't realize I also want some "ME" time.She will want me to sleep next to her in the afternoon, have lunch with her (which I also like & happy about it). Even if I'm talking to my parents she will be behind me. All this care was sweet for me for a while but after some time it really disturbs me.

    The thing is my ILs don't stay with us but they do have loooooooooong visits which I wouldn't bother about except for this. Also my H is a mamma's boy so I can't tell him this strongly (otherwise which he also doesn't understand :bonk). This might be a small problem for which I'm nagging too much but the very thought of their visit is killing me :hide:
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2012
  9. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    That is not so good on your MIL's part and your husband should be able to handle it on his own. Unfortunately he is not willing to. Unless he understands it, its not going to be easy to deal with it.

    How many times in a year do they visit? And exactly how long are you expecting them to stay this time?
    How's your MIL otherwise? Like is she generally the prying kind? Some people are just too innocent and plain to be able to think and understand some delicate matters. Love kind of blinds them in certain ways.

    I read your past threads about lack of intimacy in your relationship in the past. How is your husband dealing with it now? I saw your other thread too about TTC. How about subtly asking him about it before your in-laws arrive? Ask him what his plans are and if that would be have to be postponed just . If you both are up for it, you could let him know and understand about the need for privacy too. If he's on board, he should be able to understand it and explain it his mother too.

    As for your "me" time, I'd suggest you try going out once or twice a day. Staying home together all the time can be daunting for both of you.
     
  10. sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP..
    I too faced similar situation..Let me tell you how I dealt with it..
    When I got married,I was shocked to see that in my BIL's house,whenever MIL or SIL visited,they would virtually be hovering around him-from getting up in morning to sleeping in his bedroom in night too.MIL and SIL would sleep on bed with BIL and co sis would sleep on ground!!
    Worse case was-SIL used to sleep between my BIL and DH!!
    And they would not leave their bedroom at all..
    And my DH and I too didnot get any privacy after marriage also(Thanks to MIL and SIL)..:hide:

    I decided that whatever trends I'll set initially will continue forever.And I just couldnot tolerate this breach of privacy.
    Firstly,I made it clear to my DH that no matter what,I am not going to leave my bedroom for anybody-its DH's and my personal space-so he got a hint..

    Secondly,whenever we visit BIL's place,I dont encroach on their bedroom or their personal space.This gave some relief to co sis too.

    Thirdly,When my MIL and SIL were going to visit us for the first time,I got the other bedroom prepared for her.MIL and SIL generally do this on pretext of watching TV so,I got another TV installed in second bedroom.This sent the message to MIL and my DH too.

    Still,MIL and SIL would keep sitting and lying in our room till 11.30 PM but I too had to be stubborn so I would keep yawning and sitting there only giving really irritated looks to my DH that I am tired and I want to sleep.:rant

    But all this effort was worth it.From the next time,they were clear that their tantrums and games will not be tolerated by me. So now,they sleep in a separate room (although they leave my bedroom after 11.30PM only)..:spin

    And yes..I am neutral in this matter- I also do the same even when my family visits us.My mother and family members are more understanding and they dont do such things.When we visit my family,then also I sleep with DH in our room so he knows that I am not partial towards any side of family..

    This worked for me.I suggest you too make certain things clear and if DH calls MIL to your room,you have to make him understand first..
    And then there are certain mean things which you can do like- locking the door from inside(she might knock once or twice but will get the hint) or being vocal in frony of everyone saying some friend of yours has this problem and how you hate such insensitive and shameless people or dressing sexily and seducing your DH to come to bedroom early :thumbsup
     
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