How to convey my husband that his mother playing dual role?

sindu24 · Jun 2, 2012

Hi,

I am sindhu, working IT professional. I need some help in conveying my husband what's going on at home.

my husband is very loving & caring.He takes good care of me. We dont have any issues in these two years of married life. Now also we dont have any issues between us. All I have is issue with my mother-in-law.

Previously I used to ignore what ever she comments on me and keep on moving to avoid fights and maintain peaceful environment, good relation between my parents and inlaws. I think I cant take it anymore as she is stopping my husband to spend time with his son who is just one month old.

Whenever my husband is there, she acts like she is helping a lot, but when he is not there she will not even touch a glass or wont help anything. This happened even when I was pregnant.

my husband used to think that I am getting enough help. Even she behaves very cruel some times.

example:

We went to bring groceries on weekend (She also came along with us), by the time we come back its after 3:30. My husband got urgent call from office and left. In hurry he parked the car outside and went. I served lunch to my inlaws after that when I was about to have my lunch (I was 7 months pregnant that time) she stopped me and asked me to first park the car inside and put cover and then have my lunch. I did that as I dont want to fight with her.

She always warns her son not to spend too much money for my hospital even though I am earning ( ofcourse my husband wont listen).

When ever she comes to my mom's place she tried to find how much sal my borther , dad getting now. Even she was asking same question to my relatives, when they come back and ask me like ' why your inlaw asking all these? ' its little akward. (my husband doesnt know all these things)

she always comments if I put on little weight and says that u should not eat food.

recently I delivered a baby boy, my husband said he will come for every two weeks, now she is stopping him to spend weekend with my son, she wants to spend only one day with his son and one day with her(Which hurts a lot).

Infront of my husband she behaves as if she has lot of love towards me and my son but the things happening in his absence is not known.

I am afraid to convey this to my husband that his mom is palying dual role becuase it might create problems between both as he loves her more. And I also afraid that if I complaint on his parents, he might not maintain good relation with my parents and also there arise problems.

So please suggest how can I reveal my mother - in -law real color tactfully without creating any fights in family?

Regards

Sindhu

sandyhr4u · Jun 2, 2012

Hi Sindhu,

please dont say anything to you husband. He should either know about her mother now(that's why he is not listening to her) or He will get to know one day, which is very good for your future better understanding and love.

Please ignore her or take the pain for few more days. think each day is fresh. dont recollect the past and pile up your bad emotions.

keep smiling, enjoy every second when ur with your hubby and ur new hero(junior)

cheers,
VSK
god bless u

priyaprem · Jun 2, 2012

Hi Sindhu,

Congratulations on your BABY BOY!!! B.T.W what name you chose for your baby? Fine, Sindhu....there are certain things in this world which cannot be changed and which we shouldn't try to change inorder to have peace of mind....in that list MIL'S , FIL'S,SIL,BIL'S all (ILL'S...............!!!!!)behaviours towards their DIL'S!!!!

Eventhough (By God's grace) i don't have problems with mine so far...but day in and day out I hear experiences of my friends and IL'TES....Howmuch ever people suggest solutions to the problems I really wonder and even amazed of their Talent (MIL, BIL,FIL,SIL'S)on How to create or Give Innovative troubles to their DIL'S? Whatever it may be or How far they may go we in IL'S NEVER GIVE UP and with the help of so many freinds around we OUTBEAT them isn't it?

O.K...On a serious note, I'll suggest one thing...it's like beating around the bush but try and find out whether it works out.......You say you're hesitant in letting your hubby knows about your Mil's bahaviour right? Fine, tell him that one of your friend has the problem (Means... narrate your problem...instead of you in the scene imagine some freinds name {if you want the same to be more authentic you can even use my name...}.saying that u happend to see a problem in the IL FORUM and just wondering what to suggest as you really wanted to give a good suggestion thought that you wanted to get his help......!! (Since you said your Hubby is very nice and friendly i suggested this...i don't know whether it's o.k to let you know him........that you are an IL'TE and give and take suggestions) 'coz some may not like this and i don't know how your hubby would be...you decide....and discuss him as if the problem was sopme one else and with his reply you would know his opinion......if he supports your Imaginary friend then you can gain some confidence and tell him what's happening at your house (Of course not immediately after few days or a week...), if he's not supporting your imaginary friend It's better to keep quiet on this issue as you can very well come to a conclusion inspite of him being nice to you he is still a MAMA'S BOY!!!!

Sindhu some facts will be difficult to digest.....(whether we like it or not).but we need to......for more amicable relationship and a peaceful Family life!!!

Try this out Sindhu you will come to know what's there in your Hubby's mind Reg this issue and lert us know whether you succeded in it or not?

All the best...!!!!

smartgirl83 · Jun 2, 2012

Dear Sindhu,

Even i faced the same problem , but i kept lot of patience ...kept quiet for sometime....and ultimately my husband started noticing her mother and her faults....infact he then started asking me on what are my views and how have i kept quiet for so long...that was the time i started sharing not complaining....and rest my husband took care...

Hence i would suggest...ignore her for the time being....she will herself try to be impatient when you keep quiet and ignore...and finally everything would be clear....!

Cheers..

Smartgirl

YasminA · Jun 2, 2012

Hi Sindhu,

Really i appreciate you .... firstofAll my congratz to u for the baby boy..
My suggestion is dont discuss about this with ur husband....Accept the pain fewdays, in future it may make strong bond when ur husband come to know all the things....

Instead of Saying she is bad, do like this...show more affection on ur mother-in-law ,that she can realize her faults .... (may be) but dont ever rude with her.....its common , bcz she loves his son much,so she cant able to share her affection....if it is means try to speak with her frankly.....

good luck....

sindu24 · Jun 2, 2012

Hi All,

Thanks for sharing suggestions. My juniors name is 'Arnav'.

I was ignoring her till now. As all of you said I should ignore her for some more time. I hope my husband will come to know the fact.

@priyaprem : I know my husband answers if I convey like somebody girls problem. He will definitely support the girl becuase the mother - in - law of girl is not his mom

As you said 'inspite of being nice to me he is still a MAMA'S BOY!!!!'.

But he loves and care me lot thats why I ignored evry thing even if it hurts.

I will ignore for somemore time

Regards
Sindhu

parvathi1980 · Jun 2, 2012

Unless and until you will not tell your husband he will never notice. Don't complain but do let him know what goes on behind his back. All this nonsense about ignoring and the dh will see reality is bakwaas. Indian boys are deaf , dumb and blind when it comes to mommy darling.

luv2smile · Jun 4, 2012

I also keep quiet on all my MIL and my BIL (who makes v rude comments heartlessly to insult me n my parents) activities. I feel there is no point in telling my DH about it because there is nothing he can do . I don't know if my DH knows their attitude but even if i complain to him, he is not going to question them. I just keep those rude remarks and insults in my heart and pray to god for peace of mind and keep distance from them. God will make them realise some day or even if they don't, i don't care about them.

Dolfin · Jun 6, 2012

Wow...i dint realise that in-laws can be so similar. I am pregnant and cant tell you how two-faced my In-laws are...
I dont tell my husband. There is no use. he will never beleive and all fault will be mine. I just keep dreaming of telling him everythg...I guess all we can do is keep quite and hope that husband gets to kw the truth.
but what i feel is that even if they kw they act blind.