How To Change Myself?

Can I tell u one thing , you are a beautiful and confident woman . I see ur writings here in the forum and liked u for ur confidence and positive thinking and the way u handle life. . create more positive friends and neighbour circle. Be happy. This all will bring ur husband to appreciate u more. I know he is appreciating u now , but he is not vocal about it. That's all.

 

I will give you an indirect answer which i must emphasize does not have any bearing with what you do or who you are. I dont even think the things you said about yourself are even negative or to be changed even in the slightest.

So to come to the point - how a man treats a woman is in part to how much he values her and partly how he was raised. There was a study once which said marital (un)happiness is based on an individual's perception of whether he/she got a good "deal". By deal they mean if the relationship meets the person's conscious or subconscious needs and what they value most in a partner.

You might have come across marriages where the man was probably more good looking than the woman (in the conventional beauty perspective)..but he adores & respects her and is a good husband to her.

You can often tell how healthy a woman's relationship is by her confidence & self assuredness. A good relationship often has the positive effect of raising both people's confidence in themselves, their self worth & self esteem because they draw strength from the security of the relationship. They feel confident about being themselves in private & in public because they have found acceptance at a deeper, basic level via their most intimate relationships (parents, husband, kids).

Superficially it may seem that beautiful & sophisticated women have adoring husbands who listen to them. But if you look carefully you will also find average everyday women also commanding the same level of influence over their husbands. So the common denominator is their perceived value in the eyes of their spouses.

One real life example : i knew a girl & guy who were introduced by their parents. She was very posh having studied at elite schools & colleges. At home given her urban upperclass life she was most comfortable in english but also included a healthy amount of local languages/lingo. The guy was highly accomplished but had a rural chilhood - and given his relatively weaker english skills, he wanted a girl who would speak their native language 100% of the time. So even though many were easily impressed by how articulate, modern & sophisticated the girl sounded, it didnt work for this guy as he did not value it.

So how to bring a man under one's influence?
1. Either marry a man who innately values you for who you are & as you are (ideal situation).
2. Or the woman could try to improve a cpl of things that he values. Pls note keywords "couple" & "improve" because too many changes are impossible & impractical.

A few things that appeal to most men are
1. Being well maintained with good hygiene and looking attractive to him.
2. Meeting his primary emotional & physical needs - respect, love, a sense of warmth, caring, fulfilling emotional & physical intimacy etc.
3. Being emotionally stable to sustain a healthy relationship (i.e not having major anger issues, exhibiting paranoid, psychotic or other disturbed behavior).

The other factors are highly subjective to the man in question. For eg some like highly independent women while others dont care for it.

The key therefore is to find the major things that a guy values and try to meet his needs there. In your case, dont blindly assume that fixing your dressing sense, your grooming or english skills will make you look better in your husband's eyes. Speak to him and find out what he values & examine if you can improve those areas.

One word of caution : despite all if this, the harsh reality is we can never force someone to like us just as we cant force ourselves to like someone. Many women lose themselves trying to earn the love and respect of a man who simply isnt into them. A woman should never have to rehaul her entire personality and become someone else entirely just to be liked or loved. If she has to make a lot of changes, maybe the woman would be better off changing / leaving the relationship rather than change herself. I really mean this.

Even if the response is a bit rambling..i hope you understand the gist of it.

 

I have a question to ask u for clear view. I have seen in many couple a husband does not value a wife as much as she should be. For example always complaining about her negatives even if she has many other good qualities. My great friend and neighbour in India were a couple with one kid . she is a very patient wife , took care of her child very well, due to financial constraint , she doesn't even come shopping with us when we go as a group. Very adjusting but still we have seen her husband getting angry on her for not keeping the kitchen super clean or keeping things in right place with all the work and child at home. Loving wife is more important than a super clean kitchen or museum home. He calls her "good for nothing "in front of us. I usually tell her not to take his words to heart. But I feel very sad for her. Are we women being taken for granted. Not caring for harsh words is a solution. mothers , sisters, daughters are respected but not a wife. Please guide me and others too. When my husband starts complaining once he reaches home , I usually feel bad but I have a habit of forgetting bad things then and there. But that's not a long term solution.

 

U r beautiful the way u r.. when ppl say I don't have to change for anyone to certain extent it's true but sometimes change is good.. u can change the dressing style I don't know if u like jeans try those or a dress nice long length that makes u comfy ,leave ur hair ..just get a nice different hair cut which u will never do but try this time.. I always like lipstick I wear it where ever I go.. I m not in makeups either but occasions I do..

 

Every case is different so I just want to tell you mine as my H also do the same. I asked him about this. He said as you are doing well in all your works and improving day by day so I feel that if you learn this too then your skills will get enhanced and I am not scolding you I am guiding you for our better life. Even if my way of speaking to you is not right I am not saying anything wrong to you. You should listen carefully whatever I say and should try to adapt that. He feels everything should be done in best possible way for which he keeps on guiding me and I am improving myself in his guidance. That never showed me that he don't respect me. He do a lot of respect to me and my family too and can go beyond his limit and comfort to satisfy all of my wishes.

@Sweety82 I am also like the same as you said. Never take care of myself and I also sometimes think like you but it happens that when sometimes I get ready for some party my H praise me and I don't feel that if I will look good everyday then my H will say anything different for me any day. So just preserve your beauty under the shell and don't show it off daily.

 

I feel suggestion should be a two way process . If not it looks to me like domination of one person over the other. It can be either wife or husband dominating their better half . Yes every couple is different. There are submissive wife who wants nurturing husband or vice versa. Then NO PROBLEM at all.

 

Sweety ! No marriage and no couple is perfect. Every marriage has its own journey of ups and downs irrespective of how beautiful or in control the women or men seem to be. What matters is love and respect for each other, inspite of the flaws.

First of all, write down the qualities that make you “Sweety” , unique from the rest of us and be very very confident / unapologetic about it. Then see if you would like to change anything ( not for the husband ) but for yourself. Go ahead and implement it. ( a good haircut, well fitting clothes , well kept nails and eyebrows , good shoes never harmed anyone ).

Once you are happy and confident about yourself , see if you can improve anything that will make the marriage better. Like others mentioned, these changes should not be drastic and not alter the sweety-ness, just make your marriage happier.

P.S I like you the way you are from whatever I have interacted with you.

 

IMO, it's more to do with a woman's ( or anyone's ) self confidence that how others perceive her. A lady has to be confident and know what she is doing and what she wants.Beauty and looks are secondary. I agree with @Sandycandy that one has to be unapologetic of who he / she is. Also, one must be strong enough so as not to get deterred by words ( though they do break hearts) . If you respect yourself, your spouse will respect you. Talking of beauty, one must try to be well kept , tidy and well dressed . These things do make a good impression but not necessary for love. If your husband loves you, he will love you in pajamas and in a sari equally.We cannot make anyone love us. So we should just be ourselves, do justice to our existence on this earth. When we are true to our own being , everything starts falling in order. Also, this thing about having control in relationship or over husbands , what's the point of having control? Instead of control , having equal standing,mutual respect are more important.Do you think the women who actually have the so called control over their spouses are happy? I am pretty sure they have some other problems eating them away.