How To Be Positive

Discussion in 'Education & Personal Growth' started by sarvantaryamini, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Senior IL'ite

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    "I often find myself obsessing over minutiae, worrying about trivial aspects of life that are out of my control. In my pursuit of perfection, I find myself losing perspective of what matters most, of the substance of life." -

    Yes, that's my problem, I am wasting time over what should not be bothering me. How should I stop bothering and worrying? How do I recognize my priorities? How do I live a selfless and purposeful life?
     
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  2. kaniths

    kaniths Finest Post Winner

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    You might find some answers in the linked threads below, give a try. :)

    -100 Days of Positivity
    -Mind Over Matter: The Meditation Club
     
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  3. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    We'll get to the being positive part, for now, let's start with the bothering and worrying.

    Part of finding tranquility in everyday life is learning the distinction between the things we can control and those we cannot. A great deal of happiness depends on identifying the boundaries of our sphere of control and withdrawing attention from everything that lies outside it. Worrying about matters we cannot influence is a waste of precious emotional resources. Tormenting ourselves with what ifs and if onlys doesn't solve the problem, instead causes avoidable suffering. In order to find peace of mind we must develop the discipline to channel our thoughts and actions exclusively towards the things that lie within our control. Understanding and practicing this distinction on a moment to moment basis is the secret to a simpler and happier life.

    What is your sphere of control?

    SoC.png

    Within the universe of everything that happens, from the birth of stars to Deepika Padukone's wedding, there is only a small subset of things that directly or indirectly impact our lives. These comprise your sphere of concern — the things that affect you. Inside this is your sphere of control, representing the things that you can affect. It is important to appreciate the difference between concern and control — the things that affect us versus the things that we can affect — to understand exactly how pointless worrying is. If something is within your control, then why worry? Decide what can be done and do it. If something concerns you but is not in your power to change, then what will you gain by worrying? Aside from tormenting yourself you won't accomplish anything.

    Just because something affects us doesn't automatically place it in our sphere of control. A natural disaster, an unexpected sickness, or an economic downturn have the power to alter our lives. We have a stake in these matters but even so they aren't really up to us. We can deal with them as and when they happen, we can take steps to mitigate their impact, but there is no point in fretting over them. The same applies to human relationships. You can treat others with kindness and respect but their response is not up to you. You can love someone with every fiber of your being but you can't make them love you back. Brooding over past mistakes is an equally fruitless endeavor. The past is gone and you have no power over it. Your sphere of control extends only to your own volition in the present — your thoughts, your words, your choices, and your actions in this moment.

    The graphic below of the sphere of control is from a teenage counseling guide but I think it illustrates the concept really well. Aside from the parts about homework and tests, which can be replaced by work and obligations for adults, most of the points are universally applicable.

    8rsytoJ.png

    I think it would be a helpful exercise to create a personalized version of the chart and put it up where it is readily accessible in moments of emotional turbulence. Not only does hoping or worrying about things outside your influence make you miserable and waste your time, it blinds you to avenues for constructive action. Next time you find yourself agonizing over something, ask yourself whether there is anything you can do to change or fix it. If there is nothing to be done, then tell yourself it is not your concern, and it does not deserve your attention. Divert your attention and energy to being present and working toward something you can actually influence. Internalizing this simple distinction and applying it consistently to your everyday dilemmas will take away most of your worries and leave you feeling calmer and more empowered.

    Life is challenging and the only trusted recourse we have is doing what we can, with what we have at hand. We have little to no sway over what happens to us or around us, but your will to do what is within your power is your strength and your sanctuary. No one can take that away from you. If you believe in a higher power then think of everything outside your sphere of control as God's problem. You take care of what is up to you and the universe will take care of the rest.

    One of my favorite quotes by Lin Yutang, goes -

    “Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.”


    As I grow older I have come appreciate the depth of wisdom in those words. Peace of mind is not attained by having perfect control over our lives, it is obtained by letting go of the desire to control anything beyond our own selves and accepting people, things and situations exactly as they are.
     
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  4. Amulet

    Amulet Finest Post Winner

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    This "selfless" notion can be carried too far to be annoying to those in your sphere of control, or go on to make your situation as important as a doormat.

    While there are fine strategies to cut down on bothering/worrying, and asking whether such-&-such is a priority, or even "a thing", and so forth, a dose of selfish may even help your purpose, in that purposeful life.

    Just like too much of nice isn't good for you, too much of selfish isn't good also.
     
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  5. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Senior IL'ite

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    True, how to balance selflessness and selfishness is the problem. It is annoying when family members want you to get involved as per their convenience. I am just getting back to the mode where I don't want any actions of others to bother me anymore, but still people are hell bent on making me negative. From 2 weeks or so, I have stopped worrying and started focusing on self, now I am accused of being selfish and not caring about kids. To add some more fuel, I just discovered my older son is watching bad stuff on the net today morning. He is a very mature, very precocious kid. When I saw it, I asked him if he was watching it and he denied it, upon questioning a second time, he agreed. As if I don't have enough headaches to deal with, this is one more. The images I saw were so bad, even if I prevent him from seeing them I wonder how am I going to undo the damage done. The reason I kept him from seeing movies especially Indian movies is that I did NOT want him to see such stuff and start thinking about that alone. I don't know how long has this been going on. To add to all this is the sick atmosphere at home. I cannot even confront him openly because I am afraid how my husband will react to the whole thing. I want my son to understand that what he is seeing is bad and he cannot keep it in his head. I know what effect watching grownup stuff had on me ( this was not ****, this was just english movies ) and I didn't want him to see it. Too bad it happened. I am wondering how I will make him understand. Of course, I am going to change the settings on his iPad today evening. But I just wish he had never seen that images on google.
     
  6. lavani

    lavani Silver IL'ite

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    not sure how old is your son, but if you think you have the power of controlling all the devices and their passwords in your house. you can surely do it and it might feel good. but you cannot control what his friends do. and their devices. you cannot control every aspect of his life.

    instead accept and talk about not getting addicted to this. research and talk about addiction and fake reality shown by **** and videos. and everything in limit and time is important.

    i also do not know how to phrase it. when my daughter talks about dating, i tell her to avoid so that she does not get emotionally hurt.
     
  7. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Senior IL'ite

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    I am not really worried about dating now. Dating is far off proposition. He is just turning 9. I am just wondering how *long* is this going on. The environment in the home is not good at all. I stopped arguing with my husband over anything after seeing the effect it had on my kids. I went to the browsing history and saw he has been seeing this since 2 weeks at least. I could not see the history earlier. I went and asked him again and told him there is no use hiding since I can find out the details if I dig into the stuff. He said "Maybe 2 to 4 weeks", his demeanor is what is most worrying to me right now. He appears so damn calm and cool. I have to involve my husband, and I don't know what to expect from him. Most surely, he will blame me for all this. If anything goes wrong in the house, it is my fault. Especially in this case, I have been defending my son not knowing he was watching such stuff. The kind of stuff I would puke at. I don't like my husband's behavior at all but I cannot control him. I have to take care of myself and the kids. I wanted to talk to my husband and he is not even answering his cell phone, not even a busy message, TOO busy. It is always about restricting me. Right now my BP is rising. Sadly, I cannot shout or say anything, because when something goes wrong, it has to be me who fucked it up. I don't like how my son is playing it cool. My husband won't understand that it is NOT cool to show aggressive behavior in the house. He is not realizing the effect it is having on our kids. They are beginning to hide things especially my older one. As long as I am there as a scapegoat he will continue to blame me.
     
  8. lavani

    lavani Silver IL'ite

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    ok . 9 is way tooo young for any adult content.

    i just gave an example as my dd is 13. you have to control the media at home. agression is not going to help anyone. you need to talk to him to your son.

    i sense your house (marital ) situation is not super happy. boys hide stuff when they are stressed. go slow and make him understand that this will harm more than benefit.
     
  9. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Senior IL'ite

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    yes, my initial thought was to be gentle on my son. But right now I am thinking this is the time I should actually use force on him. He ought to know that when mommy gets mad, she gets mad for a reason, not like daddy who gets mad for everything.
     
  10. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Senior IL'ite

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    Frankly, I am extremely mad, I am getting a headache right now. I don't know how I can make my son see that he is doing a wrong thing. I am mad at husband because he uses force for anything, everything. I can't raise my voice on anything, it is only him who has to do it. And because he raises for everything, I don't know how well my son will take this. I just don't know how to deal with this situation. This is not a small thing.
     

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