How To Be Around Parents Who Are Negative And Suck Your Energy?

@KavyaKMV - Happy for you for having such great, loving parents that you long for their visit. Unfortunately not all are as lucky as you are. If you spend a few days with a parent like op's, then you will understand the true suffering of what she is talking about. I know of some friends who prefers n are closer to their in laws than their own parents due to reasons like this. Not all are blessed with loving, caring parents. So you are blessed.

 

Hi, I can relate to you in so many levels. So sharing a few things that I have tried n worked, you add, minus, modify to your needs.

She's 70, so no point of counselling or trying to change her. You just have to figure out ways to deal with her.

Even moms n daughters in good, healthy relationships fights n argues. It's common despite the age.

Do not change your schedule for her on daily basis, stick to what you do. Don't stop yourself from doing anything because of her, seriously.

If you live in a society, fix a time every day to meet with your friends, it can even be for 10 mins. But make it everyday, because even if your mom says no in the beginning, she will slowly start coming out jus bcoz you are going everyday. At that time, introduce her to a few ladies of her age. Slowly she will make friends. So separate friends time for you both.

Encourage her interests, craft, food, art, even movie watching, or YouTube. Even the reluctant ones start using smart phones once you show them YouTube.

Create a family whatsapp group with you n your bro, share her number with a few relatives, native groups or these new friends too n show her how to fwd videos, photos, msgs. It keeps them busy.

Develop an everyday activity with her, like going on a mrng or an evening walk with her, everyday, again, can be just for 10 mins. Start slow.

Weekly once take her for grocery shopping. Take her for movies if the sound system doesn't bother her or watch one at home.
Beaches / parks / shopping / mall.

When you are trying to call her n she says no, stick a paper on the fridge n write that you called her out for this n she said no.
"Your name: mom, let's go for walking today.
Mom: no, I don't feel like"
Continue this for every little thing, even go for a notebook. Make sure she can see it n keep it safe to show it back to her. That's the whole point of it, to make her realize how many no's she tells you.

Do the same for negative thots n dialogues,
Write what she said or did n make sure she sees it. Video or audio record her voice n reaction n play it bak to her. Let her see how she looks wen she's negative. Do the same wen she's positive n say how beautiful she looks when she smiles.

Tease her, play with her, keep sharing jokes, laugh all the time like a mad person with her. Say you will reply to her only when she gives you one smile. Insist on smiles, laughs n happy thoughts.

About your brothers family, warn them, prepare them, give them enough heads up about her. Because things can get so ugly so fast when it's a mil - dil drama. So you need to do some serious, serious prep work with your bros family. Tell either one of them stay out n not bother about her complaints n whinings. Let her try all her stunts n make sure they are ready n don't get affected by it.

Forgetting the childhood suffering is not easy. See if it's possible to forgive, that starts the healing process. N when the memory strikes, distract n focus on happy thoughts.

And whatever you have lost, expect, feel jealous about looking at other families, you can create the same for you with your own family. Your spouse, children, friends, etc. You be the family that you always wanted to be. You make it happen.

About her bringing you down, why are you giving her that power knowing how she is. Instead of letting her bring you down, bring her up or atleast neutral. Your mom blames the whole world for her negativity and 'you' blame your 'mother' for yours. How is that different from what your mom is doing? Stop passing the blame on anyone, it's only upto you. Don't let yourself become your mom. Trust me, that's one of the biggest challenge we have to face ourself. Don't be that mom or wife to your family. Don't become the person who made / makes you suffer. The choice is still in your hand. You can choose to keep yourself happy or miserable. Make the right choice and raise above.

Am not giving you empty gyans, Am sharing from my personal experience. You can always raise above, yes, it's possible. Good luck sister!

 

it is interesting to know you have healthy mother at 70+ and that is troubling you. She is energetic to fight and take you to the past which you simply loathe because of your present. in her case there is no present and hence the situation. In almost all families, affluent or not, around the globe, the couples would be fighting either openly or engaged in active cold war, and this should trouble you in the least. as a couple, it is good to have some kind of quarrel and dissensions bound to creep up in family life irrespective of the age of your marriage.
2. Be always around positive people invite them and entertain them in presence of your mother and this perhaps would lend a kind of aplomb to her agitating mind and even might change her attitude in general.
3. God Bless Us All. Regards. thanks.

 

In essence, trouble the trouble and it might vanish. TRUST YOU WOULD READ MY RESPONSE ibid. Thanks and regards. God BLESS US ALL.

 

My response was more along the lines of avoiding trouble and learning to coexist as one might with a chronic illness - managing it to the extent possible, but not draining energy better invested elsewhere, in a constant struggle. Be that as it may, posts invite many perspectives, out of which the OP may choose those that suit her best or make an amalgam of many. People do exist who are enervatingly, destructively negative. That OP's mother belongs to this class is taken on trust and a measure of intuition based on the post. What you have said may be valid. I did not say it because (a) it has already been said above, indirectly, even before I replied and (b) having been on IL for a while, I was confident that others would express the point of view as you did eventually.

 

Hi dear..!!
Read ur post and i wont say i completely unerstand your situation bt i have a frn and she too is in s similar kind of situation... see everyone is diff n so is your mother its her nature and she is already 70... to expct hr to change now.. thats difficult. As u said u wana be happy n enjoy your life with little moments yu thnk u missin out... so jst try to ignore negtive thgs.. things your mothr says and you dont like it jst ignore it... coz by thnkn ovr it ovr n ovr agn you r hurtn urslf... you are tryn pn ur part to cheer ur mom n thats gud... yu tryn yur best n dts wat u need to keep doin bt in doin so do not ignore urslf coz at d end if u wont b happy ur kids ur husbnd they will b affected as well... so jst try and ignore thgs wch upsets yu hurt yu n see d bright side dt u hve s luvn fam wid yu.. n evn if ds dsnt hlp dn jst tlk it out wd yur frn or husbnd whueva u feel lyk n u ll definitely feel btr.. i noe its easier said dn done bt u need to tke d step towards happiness....
hoping i was of some help.. wshn u oll d best.. n keep smiling..

 

As you mentioned, they do not have proper bonding or compatibility and that is the primary reason for your mother's behavior. It is better to make them live separately (near to your or your brother's place), if they are healthy and can look after themselves, you both can provide the financial support to them. Then they will start depending on each other and this may create a bonding between them.

 

@hridhaya , what a lovely nick .

Ilites have give you some good advice, much better than anything i could add, so I am not writing to give you any suggestions.
I write to acknowledge your pain. Every relationship is like having a account in each other's bank. Unless you both have been debiting some love and respect and affection over the period and letting it grow, it will be hard to withdraw any when the time comes. When your emotional bank is empty, hard to feel any love. You have clarity of your situation and have the courage to do what your heart and mind feel right.

And who says SILs are evil ? To understand and support your SIL only shows your strong moral compass.