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How to be amiable and friendly with MIL? Any suggestions?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by silvertulip, Jan 16, 2012.

  1. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,

    Although my MIL a cooperative & nice woman but she is irritating and annoying too with her ideas on life and people. After 1 year of my marriage, I have learnt to ignore her irrelevant talks now. But there have been instances when she was nagging us and was grumpy in her ways (with me & my hubby) due to which i find it difficult to be friends with her (due to her ideas to as our view points differ - I have given a post b4 in forum asking how to make her understand my view and followed the advice which is working :)). I am although polite and friendly, still she feels I don't treat our house as my own and maintain distance with the family (she expects me to behave as if she my mom and I am her daughter) and she starts complaining about this (I do maintain emotional distance with her coz I find my MIL nagging and annoying). She is supportive of my career and is caring too but I still find it difficult to be amiable and friendly and I know that I have to be on good terms with her (as my poor DH suffers in the end). Please suggest me how should I do this (I know we can't be best friends but still I have be friendly with her) and how should I be friendly and amiable with her? Any suggestions? If I maintain emotional distance with her then how should I be amiable with her that she doesn't feel it?
     
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  2. deepa10

    deepa10 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Silvertulip,

    You said your MIL is nagging, so make sure you understand that she will always nag what ever you do and there is no point in listening to that! This is first.

    I shall tell you few points to impress your MIL, (since you said she is caring and help in your career, these things may help you to impress her)

    1. Always tell her waht you are going to do and what you did at office today (you can change few things you know!! :wink:)
    2. Ask about your in-law side relatives and know what is going around your relatives (someone is pregnant, building house, new job, college, etc..)
    3. Make sure you praise her at times (don't overdo it) about how great she is doing all that and how you would like to know/learn that from her
    4. Listen, Listen and listen. Whenever she talks to you, try to listen and make sure she understands that you listen to her.
    5. If she give you some advice, try politely to refuse if you don't agree with it, if you think its of no use, tell her that you will implement it from the next time and forget it there!
    6. There must be some of your in-law side relatives who are close to ur MIL, treat them nicely and make sure you have a good relationship with them.

    Even if you are upset, angry, dont show it on your face and try to be cool! I hope this will help you a little!! :thumbsup
     
  3. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi
    If she is totally annoying, I would say continue the way you are not too friendly but talk to her when she talks. Also talk about very general topics which could not be interpreted in any other way than you mean like movies, news etc. Try to keep yourself busy as much as possible away from her so that she doesn't feel or can't pinpoint you being distanced.
    Stay Happy
    Vaidehi
     
  4. sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

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    Hi SilverTulip..
    One big advantage is that she is supportive of your career and is good by heart and is good at heart.
    The nagging problem,as I have seen,is generally present in most of the elders as they think they have seen more life and faced more situations than us.

    I would suggest that If she responds to your gestures and appreciation,the best way is to keep on showering all that on her.Our parents like to be appreciated for their experience and wisdom and the pains they have taken to raise us.This will make her happy.
    As far as nagging is concerned,I'll suggest don't tolerate that.Once or twice,make it clear to her politely but firmly that you respect her but will not tolerate this.She seems to be sensible enough from what you have written so,she'll get it.
    It generally works for me.My MIL has many qualities and when I appreciate them whole heartedly,it makes her happy.The only problem she has is her biasness for SIL and control freak nature.I have always tried to tolerate it but recently,when she sided by my SIL even when she was wrong and created a big issue,I showed my resentment to her indirectly by keeping a cold and firm behaviour.
    You can also try it if you too are bad at being blunt or directly saying it.It atleast sends the message across..
     
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  5. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Recently I have started doubting how good she is for me! She is nagging, control-freak and nowadays she has become more annoying. My SIL stays nearby and she keeps coming to meet her. My MIL will always give me lectures on how should I be with my SIL, that I should give her lot of gifts and if my hubby shops something for me, he should get it for my SIL too. I don't stop my hubby from getting things for my SIL nor do I expect anything from my SIL but still my MIL has to crib and nag. Whereas MIL will always curse her SIL that she doesn't give anything to kids (us and SIL) and that she always expects my MIL to give her gifts!!
    Few days back I shopped for some sweaters with my DH and MIL. When my SIL saw them she said she will shop for similar stuff. My MIL asked her to take what she likes and I didn't say anything still my MIL felt that I didn't wanna give those sweaters to my SIL (MIL made crappy statements like my son got them for the family but you don't want to give).
    Recently when my parents gave her a courtesy call (in my absence) she told them that I don't want to share my things with my SIL and don't want to give her anything. MIL made statements like although my daughter doesn't need anything as her family is well off and she is earning, she can get what she wants but she is family and I(DIL) should share things with family members which DIL doesn't do and makes faces and gets angry. I really feel like blasting my MIL. She has been nagging me on her daughter for past 1 year and made issues on things like I didn't let her daughter choose things of her choice from my trousseau (I was not aware of something like this in their family and gave SIL a makeup set as discussed with my DH - he didn't tell me anything like that). I had got gifts from my relatives and my MIL liked one of the dress materials(which I really like) I got from my aunt, which my MIL wanted for my SIL (MIL had asked my parents b4 not to get anything for DH side relatives but my parents gave clothes to SIL & her hubby). My MIL couldn't ask me directly (as she says my parents not to give anything so she can't ask them to give something) so asked me if I don't like some of my dress materials I can exchange them with my SIL to which I said I don't dislike any of them my relatives got them as per my choice. She created a scene on this issue after 1 month of my marriage to me and my DH. So when we went to shop and my hubby got me a pair of jeans I gave it to my MIL for my SIL coz my MIL liked it for my SIL. 2 days back when my MIL was in her nagging mode to my DH and me (on some sweets which came from home and we gave a huge box of sweets to my MIL's SIL which my MIL didn't want to give but she had to give and later she was angry that I should have asked my family what all sweets were there in the boxes), she raised this dress material issue saying seeing my behavior she doesn't feel like asking me to give anything from my home to her relatives (DH had told MIL that she gave a very expensive sweet box to bua so she was trying to portray that it was me who didn't want to give the sweets box to bua when my MIL was feeling annoyed that she gave so much to her SIL who is so greedy (my MIL calls her SIL greedy) and doesn't get anything for her kids i.e. us and my SIL. My DH asked me if I can give that dress material to my SIL now. I got really annoyed. I dont want to give it as I got from my aunt and we always give things to my SIL and her hubby. Still my MIL feels we don't and keeps asking my DH to do more for them. He does it I don't object but it doesn't mean I should give my things to my SIL. I also got to know from my maid that in my absence my MIL was uttering nonsense about me to my DH like I don't keep the house clean, don't manage the house well and that my MIL has to do it all (she even said this to my maid and before our maid also my MIL gives her lectures on my MIL's efficiency on house cleaning and house managements to me) and that I spend money unnecessarily (I am earning still she acts and gives me lectures on staying within budget as if she is paying for me and I am dependent on her son for all my requirements, I feel like telling her that I also earn and contribute to ur son's finances but can't tell her).
    I am really pissed off with my MIL's cheap behavior and her pretended goodness (she says she just says things but she doesn't hold any ill-will against me). I have started hating her now, and my hubby says u don't make any effort to create understanding and affection with my mother. I wanna tell him that I hate my MIL's cheap behavior and two faced acts but I can't. Please advice what should I do? At times I really bother that my MIL will try to brainwash my DH. Shall I pretend to be good to my MIL?
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2012

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