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How To Be A Good Sil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ashneys, Feb 3, 2020.

  1. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    So far there is no mention of a saree, the pleats, or the pallu.
    What happind?

    In the linked post (click above question to see full post) the pleats/pallu are used as a metaphor to call out how shared personal space, and the relationship between a sister and her brother changes after the brother is married.
    Like QGMurugan might say "Mind it!".

    The simple strategem would be to yield, stay at a safe distance, and observe. Do not foist your "nature", especially " the giving kind, the peace keeper." on the new couple. If you did, that would certainly get you the brand "nosey".
     
  2. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I see that possessive thing with my mom already. Moms a widow for some years now and has stuck with my bro for as long as I can remember, even as a kid he was the preferred child as he’s the ‘boy’.

    Even after I got married and with kid and all that, she wasn’t (n still isn’t) the helping ma or grandma kinds and all. No matter how bad our situation has been for us. But if she wants, she’ll come. Her line ‘I cant leave your bro alone’ (There’s an army of helpers in the house to take care of his food and house n everything). This is just to show how stuck she’s with him.

    They are a package deal as she has nowhere to go. She’s financially independent n all, infact she runs the house. N bros staying with mom. It will be the same even after marriage.

    Her biggest concern is only one ‘no one should separate me from my son’.

    I would again have to be the peace keeper for my mom, in terms of telling her to calm down and not jump for everything because my bro is not good in handling this balance at all.

    But with both mom n bro presenting different challenges, I don’t want to miss out on the new family member.
     
  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Are you all planning to live together in a collective family ?
    This post, if seen by the new bride, would give her plenty of cause to worry.
     
    Rihana likes this.
  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Mom n bro together yes. I live in a different city.
     
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I think it changes even when they get into any “relationship” let alone marriage.

    I have no plans to interfere in their marital bliss or fights. They both have to find their ground. I am clear about it. I will do my best to keep my mom neutral about all their ups n downs as well.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2020
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    We grew up seeing our mom in a bad marital relationship, so it was important for me to emphasise to my brother that the girl should be treated right.
     
  7. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Emphasise to your brother? Obviously you must do what you think you need to do. You seem to imply that your brother may be capable of inflicting on his own wife a marital-life his mom had suffered. Only you know your brother's capacity for independent thinking, and his plan for life.

    Remember that your new SiL would also come with a lot of premarital emphases on how to deal with whatever she needs to face in her marital family.

    Your reference to your mother's bad marital relationship made me wonder if she had to endure that because she was economically dependent on her husband/his-family, and had children too soon before she knew how horrible her life might turn out.

    Quite often you'd read on this forum, posts from girls who hurry to have children, before they find out whether or not their husbands would stand with them against all difficulties and challenges in life. Only too late, after a couple of kids, do they find out that their husbands are entirely willing to toss them under the proverbial bus, and move on with his life.

    Good advice to SiL would be to (1) become economically viable on her own while she gets to know her husband, and finds out whether or not she needs to endure your family for the rest of her life (2) get pregnant only after she can trust your brother to stand with her, in all their decisions on how they will run their family.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2020
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  8. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    All it takes is one insecure member to spoil the relationship. Happened to me. MIL and me were two secure confident women and got along fine. SIL was very insecure in the beginning and resisted any attempts to create a bond. I tried a couple of times and moved on. The initial stages of the relationship can make or break it.
     
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  9. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    This is exactly what worries me. That if I don’t take a positive effort, I won’t have any relationship with my sil. I am not expecting to be best friends, but just a friendly relationship to be part for the good and the bad. Not a relationship filled with insecurities, bitterness and zero bond.
     
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  10. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Ironically, mom was always financially independent, rental income since young, grandpa’s way of securing his spouse n kids. She was financially very well secured.

    Her in laws were horrible to her as well. Grandpa offered to help her get out of it and secure a better future. Even safeguard our (kids) future n all that.

    But she was more worried about ‘what will the people say?’
    N she was of the thought that ‘no matter what, I will stick to this husband only’ n stuck to dad till his life.

    Growing up seeing all this, we would have actually liked them divorced / living separately. Ofcourse we love mom n dad beyond words. But they would have been better not together.

    So my bro and I promised to each other that we will never live like that and that we will value our family / relationship / marriage. So those lines of ‘shouldn’t bring a gal into the family and make her cry in pain’ n all came out of those talks. That we will treat our men n women equally n all that. So our talks about treating the new bride the right way is something that’s close to our emotion n things that we used to discuss. Not because we are afraid that we will treat our spouses wrong.

    My brother is a good guy, not saying that because am related. He has been taking care of mom n is a responsible kid. N She wont leave him at home n go anywhere saying he’l be alone, even to see me.

    My only problem with him right now is that he’s not great in balancing out a ‘3 way‘ relationship, like him-wife-mom or me, have seen in the past whenever there’s 3 involved. We can’t say that he will be a smooth bridge in between, he won’t because he doesn’t know how to do it nor do it right. We are to manage ourself to build the relationship. So I have to hold mom back as well.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2020

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