1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice

How To Be A Good Sil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ashneys, Feb 3, 2020.

  1. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,161
    Likes Received:
    2,422
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Just seeing all the posts from our IL’tes, it makes me wonder how to do this the right way.

    Am going to become a new sil. N if anything, I know the in laws relationships are complex. Even more so with the ladies involved, mil, sil, dil.

    I am friendly, adjusting by nature, open minded, mature, not the evil plotting kinds or demand for money/ stuff from my brother and all the usual tantrums. Infact am the giving kind, the peace keeper. Due to which I have a very peaceful relationship with my own in laws.

    My worry here is “I don’t want to be walked over or taken advantage of” due to my nature (have read posts where that happens too) and want to maintain a good relationship with the new dil/ sil coming into the family.

    How to do this right ? What are the generic do’s n dont’s / right n wrong ? How to balance this ?

    Anyone here with good, balanced sil / dil relationships ? How did you achieve that ?
     
    anika987 and Thyagarajan like this.
  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    894
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    I appreciate your attitude...non interference is most important quality I feel... like you may stay a few days at your brother's place...you may see how chores are divided and bro helping out his wife with many chores including cooking...commenting on it or telling your mother and inviting her to criticize her DIL for being "lazy" etc may make you a bad SIL immediately to her...you may also see them arguing or fighting...excusing yourself from the situation and not interfering in their argument and not mentioning it later to anyone and not giving them counseling about their differences etc would be much appreciated...I think a balance of being nice and friendly, open and frank talk along with mutual respect is required .
     
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,618
    Likes Received:
    22,905
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    If the sil( brother's sister) is married ,then this is the easiest ' in laws ' relationship to manage .

    1) Realise that she is the life companion of your brother.If they are happy together, that is the best thing that can happen to your brother.

    2) Realise that she is married to the brother and you have no right over her ,her life decisions and her life with your brother.

    3) Remember how after marriage ,your life with your husband was your main focus in life and your parents and sibling took a secondary spot...let your brother have the same option.
    Accept that you and your parents will not be the primary focus of his life .
    Accept this with grace .

    4) We all believe that our parents are the best, but remember that our best parents may not be the best in laws to the sil.
    Our parents are the product of the same society as our inlaws.
    Very often, they will have double standards.
    So if they complain about the sil , do look at it from a dil's angle and let them know if possible. If not...let them deal with it with their son and dil.
    The relationship is difficult enough without the interference from the daughter of the house.

    Given time most little problems settle down and interference from the daughter will only result in problems.
    Unless and until there is abuse from either side, refrain from interference.

    5) Do not expect to become ' sisters'or friends immediatly after the wedding. Give it time .
    Greet each other on special occasion.
    Try to include her when you talk to brother at times when they are together....even if it is just pleasantaries .

    Be there for her in difficult times.

    When we expect our brothers wife to care for our parents,it is only natural to also care for her parents.
    Always ask her about her side of the family.

    6) Treat her maternal family with the same respect you expect her to have for your parents.

    7) Don't expect brother to gift you the same way he did before marriage. Remember,he has a new family now to take care of .



    I pride myself for having a good relationship with my brothers wife.
    I appreciate her and her role in making my brother's married life happy.

    Most of this has taken very little effort.
    Simple non-interference, genuine caring ,respect for her as a woman and my brother's partner for life .



    Good luck op....hope you end up having a beautiful relationship with sil over the years and best wishes to your brother for a happy life with his family in the years to come.
     
  4. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    455
    Likes Received:
    679
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Sil is also a girl just like you.

    If you would not want other people to have their noses in a married couples business... she wouldnt too. If you love your parents moon and back... she does too.
    Just like your inlaws arnt perfect and can never be parents ( only natural isnt it), her inlaws arnt perfect either. Just like you want your H to be on your team and go forward strong and together... she does too.

    They same things you want is what she wants too...:).
     
  5. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    81
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Minimalism will be the key here, let them settle grow, the girl needs to adapt so give all time to her. Be in her shoes mostly so that you don't take sides most often instead you can remain neutral.
    My mother is a good person but is she a good mil I don't know. Comparisons happen all the time so I stay away as much as possible.
    We call weekly, talk everything but when your mom Complains about her dil, just hear and ask her to let go. If something is really bothering talk to yoir bro, I do that

    Still at the end we ask our mom to adjust for the girl.. It will become easy as time pass only the initial phase might look all new and over whelming atleast for me it looked. But honestly you can be a good Sil if you don't interfere too much in their matter and until you're asked for any opinion don't jump to give one.. Even the bestest idea, tell ur bro let him make it as his wife's decision, let her take the credit.

    Only now you and bro should be the catalyst for new girl to build a relationship with your mom and dad as well as the family..
     
    KashmirFlower and Needtobestrong like this.
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,161
    Likes Received:
    2,422
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you. It is a good and a scary balance, how to ensure we get the same balance from the other side as well ?
     
  7. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,161
    Likes Received:
    2,422
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you for the lovely wishes and great pointers.
     
  8. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,161
    Likes Received:
    2,422
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Good point :D
     
  9. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,161
    Likes Received:
    2,422
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Even at such early stage I have my doubts about my mom too.
     
  10. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,161
    Likes Received:
    2,422
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I think I will be able to find the balance in the way that I will treat with the new family member since I was already able to do that with my in laws regardless of many challenges.

    I have no intention of getting in between their fights, or telling her how to treat my bro or vice versa. If anything I have taught my brother how to help around the house, cooking, even help with children.

    I have repeatedly told him that bringing a girl into the family to live and making her cry in pain is the biggest sin you can do so always treat her right.

    I tell him that family is important and marriage is sacred. And unity, love and peace is important and to stop being short sighted.

    All of these above are not ’read in books’ gyan. It was learnt from people around us and looking at karma playing it out right in front of everyone.

    But the problem here is, that my brother is in this ‘loner’ and ‘distance is good’ mind set. I never bothered because he’s younger n he’s single.

    I have always wanted to have a good relationship with the sil. So it will be upto only me to build that bond with her as I already know that my bro will be useless in helping us form that.

    I would simultaneously have to build a relationship with her as well or I worry that it won’t exist.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2020

Share This Page