How Some People Are Not Planning Anything Abt Old Age Parents

sbonigala · May 9, 2017

Rihana said: ↑

You are not concerned about your in-laws. You are not thinking about them. You cannot tolerate them in the US. You think they behave like toddlers. Your mother is very sick. You want to be closer to her. Your husband knows all this. He knows you are bringing up his parents' potential upcoming needs only because you right now want to move to India. He is not falling for that.

As to your general question about how some people don't plan for parents' old age -- everybody does what they can, when they can, collaborating with any willing siblings, or they live with their choices and any guilt.
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Nailed it !

yellowmango · May 9, 2017

Op...your husband doesn't care much about your mother.
Let him bother about his parents.
You try all options to be around for your mother.
Can your in laws come to your place and take care of things while you go and take care of your mother?

MalStrom · May 9, 2017

@Rihana Can you come be my therapist? After listening to people talking in circles it's so refreshing to see someone precisely get to the heart of the issue!

Rihana · May 10, 2017

maddysweet said: ↑

You are right Rihana.
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Maddy, I saw my post got many Likes , so I wanted to say the below:

Trying to convince the other party by showing what is in it for them is a standard and fair strategy to use. I was not criticizing your attempt to convince him with the reasoning about his parents needing care later. Just that he knows you have a current pressing need to move to India, and so he is not willing to listen. Chances are if you didn't have a need to go to India, he would have been more amenable to the idea. Sometimes life is like that.

Your DH seems to be not thinking too much into the future. He thinks this:

maddysweet said: ↑

@Rihana
My husband has told me many times that he is only son and it will be his responsibility to take care of his parents. He says even now but since right now my mom has need, he is quiet.
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But won't think deeper on how he will fulfill his responsibility when the time comes. Taking care of parents needs support from spouse. If his support to you is now limited to taking care of kid for a few months while you go to India, when his turn comes, you might also be wiling to only provide that much support. If he wants you all to move to India then, or bring over his parents, you might not cooperate and it would be hard to blame you.

Going by his statement that he is the only son and so parents are his responsibility, and his sister's suggestion (quoted below) that why you (girl) are worried.. looks like when his turn comes, he (and your SIL) will expect full support from you because he is a son, and you a daughter.

maddysweet said: ↑

SIL was suggesting me that i being girl shouldnt be worried?. - She behaves being independent and broad minded when it comes to her job and second marriage , but thinks that taking care of parents is only a girls responsibility? Hypocricy.
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maddysweet · May 11, 2017

Thanks Yellowmango, Yes they will come but not of major help to husband or kids.
I dont want to take any helps from anyone except husband.

yellowmango said: ↑

Op...your husband doesn't care much about your mother.
Let him bother about his parents.
You try all options to be around for your mother.
Can your in laws come to your place and take care of things while you go and take care of your mother?
Click to expand...

maddysweet · May 11, 2017

Rihana,

I didnt think your post as criticism. You exactly guessed my husband and SIL intentions ,. As you didnt see any positivism in me suggesting abt his parents old age care, my husband also didnt see it and only saw a person trying to throw a biscuit ( of his parents old age care) to fulfill my mom needs. Thanks a lot for your post.
Am never going to offer ideas abt his parents old age care anymore.
I will satify myself that atleast gave a thought and had honest intentions to do some seva to them India.

I cannot move India without husband will do more trips and take care of my mom.
I am sure my husband is going to repent for his decision today. Health conditions dont come giving us enough time to do insurance in USA. Visitors infact dont have any insurance.
Once a person crosses 60-65, a small condition might became major suddenly. and you cannot bring them thousands of miles across in short time.
Infact yday, I said to hubby, staying abroad this is how things will be when parents get sick. everyone will get this situation, even tomorrow you will end up going to India to take care of your parents leaving us when they get sick. He was quite and striked off.

Rihana said: ↑

Maddy, I saw my post got many Likes , so I wanted to say the below:

Trying to convince the other party by showing what is in it for them is a standard and fair strategy to use. I was not criticizing your attempt to convince him with the reasoning about his parents needing care later. Just that he knows you have a current pressing need to move to India, and so he is not willing to listen. Chances are if you didn't have a need to go to India, he would have been more amenable to the idea. Sometimes life is like that.

Your DH seems to be not thinking too much into the future. He thinks this:

But won't think deeper on how he will fulfill his responsibility when the time comes. Taking care of parents needs support from spouse. If his support to you is now limited to taking care of kid for a few months while you go to India, when his turn comes, you might also be wiling to only provide that much support. If he wants you all to move to India then, or bring over his parents, you might not cooperate and it would be hard to blame you.

Going by his statement that he is the only son and so parents are his responsibility, and his sister's suggestion (quoted below) that why you (girl) are worried.. looks like when his turn comes, he (and your SIL) will expect full support from you because he is a son, and you a daughter.
Click to expand...

maddysweet · May 11, 2017

Thanks SGBV , what you said is right.
My clever FIL already mentioned to us directly, that if he gets a situation like his cousin( whose wife died) he will come stay with us and will not stay alone in INdia.
I hate that to happen and at same time donno how i can avoid that situation. Based on everyone posts also i have realized that my husband is not willing to help my parents family in this situation and only thinking abt his selfishness.

Since he is only son, he will end up taking the responsibility of his single parent and thinking i will not be able to deny at that time. My thinking is i will do the best to my mom and based on when it happens will decide abt my inlaws.

I may agree to let him bring his single parent to US or i may become the villian bahu make huge fights and walk out. Depends on my relation with them at that time.

SGBV said: ↑

As for your question in general.... We, as children plan for our parents' future together with our siblings. Not all the siblings have same restrictions and priorities. So the willing sibling will take care of the parents, while the others contribute physically and financially as appropriate.
If none of us can move back to where parents' live, we will try to move parents to our place.

Parents can live together as much as they can handle. When they are together, they can hire paid help and reliable relative for support. But after the death of one parent, the other becomes emotionally very fragile and hence feel unable to live alone. That's when we are expected to physically and emotionally be there for them.
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SharadaIyer · May 11, 2017

I Would agree with @happygolucky. why think so much. somewhere it seems like you are over reactiing. i am sharing this with my personal expeirence. i have inlaws - both in 80+ . and my husband is only son. both of them are very weak n unwell but we dont have option of going back to india right now. its that we have arranged for all the necessity for them. cooking, washign, etc etc every facility is made available for them. even medicnes reaches them in time . they just need to take care of themselves ..and every quarterly one of us goes n visit them . and every weekly we call them.even vacations we sent kids to be with them so that they feel good in presence of grandchild.
i think this is the maximum we can do for our side. other than that we keep Praying for their well being and peace . and leave things on GOD . thats it.
HE will take care.

SGBV · May 15, 2017

maddysweet said: ↑

Thanks SGBV , what you said is right.
My clever FIL already mentioned to us directly, that if he gets a situation like his cousin( whose wife died) he will come stay with us and will not stay alone in INdia.
I hate that to happen and at same time donno how i can avoid that situation. Based on everyone posts also i have realized that my husband is not willing to help my parents family in this situation and only thinking abt his selfishness.

Since he is only son, he will end up taking the responsibility of his single parent and thinking i will not be able to deny at that time. My thinking is i will do the best to my mom and based on when it happens will decide abt my inlaws.

I may agree to let him bring his single parent to US or i may become the villian bahu make huge fights and walk out. Depends on my relation with them at that time.
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It is your husband's duty to look after his old parents when they are in need. You should accept this and accommodate them as per the best of your ability.
Similarly, it is equally your right and duty to look after your parents when they are in need. There should not be any discrimination or difference because you are a woman. Your H should understand this. If not, you should make him understand.

Now think practically.
Work together with your H in terms of how best you both can divide your attention towards your extended families. Include both of your siblings and their capacity while planning.

Basically one child takes the physical care of the parent, and the other(s) provide other facilities such as financial, medical etc.
In your H's case, he is the only male child and looks like he will take care of his parents when they are old.
So, you can be the financial supporter to your parents since you are tied up to take care of in laws simultaneously.
Let your bro to take primary care for your mom. Be the physical helper now, since your in laws' burden is yet to fall on your shoulders.
After sometimes provide financial support extensively, so that your absence may be compensated through different hired helps (maid, nurse, a supportive relative etc) and your bro can coordinate all this by physically being there for mom.