How Some People Are Not Planning Anything Abt Old Age Parents

maddysweet · May 9, 2017

Hmm over thinking?. yes i donno but after a series of things in family i end up thinking only abt this.

Umanga said: ↑

Dear maddysweet,

It appears I have misunderstood you somewhat but I can only echo @happygolucky22's comments. You are overthinking this entire situation. There are some in my family who are decades older than your in-laws and are managing just fine on their own. If your husband doesn't want to move back and you can't tolerate them in your home, then there is really nothing for you to do. So, enjoy the situation. But, I must say, I enjoyed @Rihana's summary of your predicament, even if it was rather tart ;-). Do let us know if she got it right or wrong.
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Umanga · May 9, 2017

Haha! I just wish you had been frank from the beginning. I would not have mistaken you for a dutiful bahu then

maddysweet said: ↑

You are right Rihana.
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Sunshine04 · May 9, 2017

Umanga said: ↑

Most women on this forum are worried about their husband's excessive concerns for their parents and their mother-in-laws' manipulation of their son's feelings. In your case, your husband is fine, your sister-in-law is fine and father-in-law is fine. You are the only one who is worried. You are the dutiful bahu that all Indian mothers-in-law have been yearning for.
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exactly

maddysweet · May 9, 2017

Umanga i tried my best to put in the thread.
I did not say am concerned abt my inlaws and want to help them.

I am only wondering seeing my husband and SIL who have not been thinking abt parents.
Its not that my inlaws are always healthy. They have been hospitalized for couple of days few times.
My MIL especially was horrible sick, lost half of her weight. she cried with me few times saying she thinks that something will happen to her soon.
I was shocked how come my husband or SIL are not planning to move or atleast have them come for visit to US.
Thats what even the title of my thread says.

I know my husband is only thinking, am suggesting this for my own benefit but his parents are also in need.

Umanga said: ↑

Haha! I just wish you had been frank from the beginning. I would not have mistaken you for a dutiful bahu then
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Umanga · May 9, 2017

maddysweet said: ↑

Umanga i tried my best to put in the thread.
I did not say am concerned abt my inlaws and want to help them.

I am only wondering seeing my husband and SIL who have not been thinking abt parents.
Its not that my inlaws are always healthy. They have been hospitalized for couple of days few times.
My MIL especially was horrible sick, lost half of her weight. she cried with me few times saying she thinks that something will happen to her soon.
I was shocked how come my husband or SIL are not planning to move or atleast have them come for visit to US.
Thats what even the title of my thread says.

I know my husband is only thinking, am suggesting this for my own benefit but his parents are also in need.
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Yes. It would be quite strange if he is not worried about them because the problems you have described are serious. Nonetheless, primary responsibility lies with him, you can only suggest. You have done that. If you want to do more, increase the frequency of your visits to India and look into their welfare OR bring them over to your place. Maybe there is a dutiful bahu inside you struggling to emerge.

maddysweet · May 9, 2017

@Rihana
My husband has told me many times that he is only son and it will be his responsibility to take care of his parents. He says even now but since right now my mom has need, he is quiet.

Rihana said: ↑

You are not concerned about your in-laws. You are not thinking about them. You cannot tolerate them in the US. You think they behave like toddlers. Your mother is very sick. You want to be closer to her. Your husband knows all this. He knows you are bringing up his parents' potential upcoming needs only because you right now want to move to India. He is not falling for that.

As to your general question about how some people don't plan for parents' old age -- everybody does what they can, when they can, collaborating with any willing siblings, or they live with their choices and any guilt.
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Sunshine04 said: ↑

exactly
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Rihana said: ↑

You are not concerned about your in-laws. You are not thinking about them. You cannot tolerate them in the US. You think they behave like toddlers. Your mother is very sick. You want to be closer to her. Your husband knows all this. He knows you are bringing up his parents' potential upcoming needs only because you right now want to move to India. He is not falling for that.

As to your general question about how some people don't plan for parents' old age -- everybody does what they can, when they can, collaborating with any willing siblings, or they live with their choices and any guilt.
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maddysweet · May 9, 2017

. I have took a step forward by saying and suggesting to my husband and FIL. I dont think any DIL as u guys said will talk abt doing a good plan of inlaws staying with me. I still did but if they have only taken out a meaning that am doing it for my mom's benefit, i should say they are thinking negative abt me.
why not think positive side of what i said.
husband and wife will do things which mutually benefit them. 2 of my cousins moved and same, both wife and husband had the similar thinking abt taking care of old age parents.

Umanga said: ↑

Yes. It would be quite strange if he is not worried about them because the problems you have described are serious. Nonetheless, primary responsibility lies with him, you can only suggest. You have done that. If you want to do more, increase the frequency of your visits to India and look into their welfare OR bring them over to your place. Maybe there is a dutiful bahu inside you struggling to emerge.
Click to expand...

Sunshine04 · May 9, 2017

Rihana said: ↑

You are not concerned about your in-laws. You are not thinking about them. You cannot tolerate them in the US. You think they behave like toddlers. Your mother is very sick. You want to be closer to her. Your husband knows all this. He knows you are bringing up his parents' potential upcoming needs only because you right now want to move to India. He is not falling for that.

As to your general question about how some people don't plan for parents' old age -- everybody does what they can, when they can, collaborating with any willing siblings, or they live with their choices and any guilt.
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wow.you are very smart rihana

WorriesTooMuch · May 9, 2017

Not moving back to India when parents are ill does not indicate selfish kids. Sometimes you just can't and I know it's easy to say drop everything and run but it may not be easy for everyone. Your husband and SIL are just being practical - it is their parents and if they feel like now is not the time to move, there's very little you can do about it. Don't push anymore - imagine them doing the same to you, how annoyed would you be?

Coming to your mom, can you bring her over to visit? Maybe she can spend a few months in peace with you in the US and recover her health?

Your in laws are fine for now and you don't get along anyway.. Why do you want to go and live with them? It'll just lead to more fights and you can't guarantee you can meet your mom more frequently either. They may just try and consume all your time.

SGBV · May 9, 2017

Looks like you really want to move back to India to be with your mother who is sick right now. Also, you know you will have to eventually move back when your PILs need you around. So, you plan what if you move right now on the pretext of helping old age PILs, so that your H will support your idea.
Looks like your H knows your mind; hence refuses.

Apparently your H, being the son will move (altogether with family) when his parents need him. Until that time, he will stay in the US and look after his personal and professional life.
Just like any other person, he also hopes his parents will stay better and live a long life. This thought gives him some assurance to concentrate on his job/life right now.

No one knows how and when there will be a need to move back to India. Sometimes, your PILs might peacefully die without needing any sacrifice from their children.
They might end up healthy enough to manage for another decade.
They might get some reliable paid help.
When the right time comes for your H to move back to India, he will not hesitate and move. But that time may never come. Who knows?
Why worry now, and make decisions by sacrificing your career, life, education and future of the kids for something unpredictable?

As for your question in general.... We, as children plan for our parents' future together with our siblings. Not all the siblings have same restrictions and priorities. So the willing sibling will take care of the parents, while the others contribute physically and financially as appropriate.
If none of us can move back to where parents' live, we will try to move parents to our place.

Parents can live together as much as they can handle. When they are together, they can hire paid help and reliable relative for support. But after the death of one parent, the other becomes emotionally very fragile and hence feel unable to live alone. That's when we are expected to physically and emotionally be there for them.