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How Should We Handle These Two : Dh And Bil(sis Dh)

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by preeti6years, Dec 26, 2019.

  1. preeti6years

    preeti6years Senior IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Need some suggestions for a challenging problem.
    Married for 8 with yrs with a 2year old baby. We as a husband and wife have lots of problems for which obviously his parents and brother are responsible. Reason being DH gets easily influenced. Initially it was just his family which was impacting our marriage.
    After 1.5 years of our marriage one of my uncle invited both my DH and my Bil (Sister's Husband) to his room in a hotel. This meeting has put up my life and my sisters life in hell.
    Not sure who initiated the conversation and what was spoken then, they spoke all nonsense, rubbish, lies what not. This has a deep impact on my husband. To summarise, both my uncle and my bil brain washed my husband against me and my family.
    Every now and then hell breaks loose in both the houses because of this. And both of them take each others reference in fights in their respective houses.
    If any function or something comes up from my family, what these guys do is immediately call up each other and seek clarification. They would then exchange their opinions which is obviously completely negative things about each others wives and my mom (I dont have father).
    I have confronted my husband so many times on this, all he says is that its perfectly ok as I talk all the things with my sis and mom.
    My bil is very good in manipulation and lying and he knows what my husband wants to hear and says exactly those things which satisfies my husbands ego.
    On the other hand, my husband calls him up whenever he needs to know any information about my family and he too influence him with feudalistic and male chauvinistic thoughts.
    Offlate we have observed that both of them are on the same page on certain things.

    1. They hate me, mom and sis meeting together
    2. They try their best to avoid we three meeting
    3. They try hold their kids from meeting my family (which ofcourse they fail)

    My mom stays with my sis and supports her family to the core. Inspite of that by bil bad mouths my mom with my husband lying that she wants to control her daughters and she is spoiling his daughter. Listening to all this my husband has developed a bad impression and just maintains minimal relationship with them.
    On the contrary my husband knew to some extent that my bil lies, but still contacts him and will discuss with him whatever happens in my house. I have seen messages on whatsapp my bil calling my mom "Ring Master", and husband calling all three of us "Psychos". It has pained me a lot.
    The situation is so grim that any word here and there would shake away both the families.
    My bil, has taken a lot of money from me before marriage and has not returned it fully. He took money from my mom too. His family is so manipulative and his sister interferes and all the affairs so much that my bil fights quite often with my sis by getting influenced by them. They take the life out of him for money. Every 2 months or so he has to give money in bulk to his dad and sis. All this sh**t from his family side is not shared to my husband.
    On the other hand, my great dh also doesnt speak about his great mom and bro, who tried to crumble our married life and how his mom till date expects to be treated as the first lady in his life.
    Now a days whenever some arguments comes up I openly tell my DH to call my BIL and update so that he will also agree and bitch about his wife, which shuts him up temporarily.

    Recently we had to visit our aunt who underwent surgery. Both of them complicated the situation so much that we had to drop the idea as it would make the situations even more complex going further.

    Please suggest how can I make my husband the reality and limit his conversation with bil. Based on the replies for this post, I can give more info and examples on this.
     
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  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Do you have proof of this in the form of documents etc ? Share this with your husband ( if he already doesn’t know ) and ask him to WhatsApp his best friend about returning your money. People go against their own blood family when it comes to money. It can easily impact a relationship that is solely based on mutual hatred of mother in law.
    In short, pit them against each other.

     
  3. preeti6years

    preeti6years Senior IL'ite

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    I dont have any proof for that. I gave it in a good will since he is my sisters husband and in those days he was very nice to me.
    I tried telling once to my husband that my mom helped him financially. But my dear husband went and told him that I have told him this.
    My husband has this habit of getting things clarified from my BIL to whatever I say. BIL feels it as an insult and picks up fight with my sister and then he further instigates my husband by indirectly teaching him, how to control me more.
     
  4. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    Looks like your husband wouldn’t change. I don’t think you can change other people attitudes. You have already done your arguments without any effect.

    You have only one thing in your hands. Ignore them. Tell out frankly to your husband that you don’t care what he talks with his co brother and whatever names he calls. Avoid looking into his phone. If he literally calls either you or your family members any sickening names on your face - retort back then and there. Be smart in the way of how you reply.

    One question I don’t know is - are you financially independent?. That’s important and gives strength in many ways.
     
  5. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    You don't need to get Your DH and BIL's family into the mix to make it more complicated. Is it a competition as to how much dirty laundry there is?

    Focus on your marriage and your family. They have perfect answer, we talk just like you talk to your sis & mom. Is your sis ok with her DH brainwashing your DH?
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2019
  6. preeti6years

    preeti6years Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Agathinai
    Yes we have learnt to ignore this bonding of cobrothers. But sometimes it so happens that it intensifies on certain occasions.
    Like for examples, my mom called my dh to mention about my dad's annual ceremony. He replied politely to her and then later he calls my bil immediately to seek more information. In that scenario they both would start discussing about my family and then influence each other with their negativity.
    Another example: when I was at mom's place after my delivery, my sis dd used to come and talk a lot with my dh. My sis told her not to disturb him so much as he is coming to spend time with his new born. My sis dd who was just 4 then told my dh that her mom told her not to talk to him. I clarified then and there. But my dear husband instead discussing it with me called my bil and told him that it's bad to feed the child with negativity. This created a huge storm in my sister's house.
    This is how they ignite fire in each others family. After this incident I narrated my husband the repurcussion of his nasty opinion. I kept reminding him of this incident in fights related to this issue but this doesn't seem to have any impact.
    We stopped caring about their talks further more. But it pains a lot when they play nasty games when me, mom and sis decide to meet up.
    Yes I have stopped seeing his phone for my own good.
    I am financially independent and yes it helps e to a great extent
     
    Agathinai likes this.
  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    You , your sister and mom should be a team . First and foremost your bil is having too much power in your family dynamics . Break the bond between two men . Ask your mom and sister to give lot of importance to your DH and ignore your bil completely. Once your bil starts getting sidelined the bond may not be the same . You need to have a good strategy to break this bond .
     
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  8. preeti6years

    preeti6years Senior IL'ite

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    My point is they unite only to.speak bad about my family.
    While my bil manipulates the situations to my dh, my dh preaches 1970 rules to my bil like how a woman should limit her ties with Mom after marriage, she should attend unavoidable situations how she should always stick to husbands house. All these thoughts were preached by his mom in the early days of our marriage. Now she doesn't open her mouth because of the nasty fights we had, but it's my dh who is still dwelled in those thoughts tries to restrict me.
    Leaving this matter, my husband is good in many things.
    My sister is absolutely not ok with these brainwashing. But as I said earlier situations are not in our control. Bil speaks to dh in her absence and my dh doesn't even tell me if he talks to him.
     
  9. preeti6years

    preeti6years Senior IL'ite

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    Situations were far better when I was pregnant. May be my dh had kept all these politics ( his family side as well) to not to give any kind of stress to me. That time my dh had maintained a very minimal relationship with bil. He did not pay attention to bil when he tried to tell him something manipulative.
    Once after delivery he started contacting bil again to enquire how his daughter was taken care by my mom and all...that's when things reopened between them again.
    Since mom stays with sis and family bil has all the possibilities to cook up many things against both of them.
    My husband even though he has seen how my mom works at home and how she struggles to give us all the comfort still believes in bil words ( he himself praised mom once for her hard working nature and also the way she performed my DD naming ceremony)
     
  10. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Leave that matter; when you ignore and not make it so important, it will not affect you and interfere in your relation with your husband.
    Focus on the good things and build on it.
    You object to your husband, so should your sis.
    It is ok to be close to your mother; but, the better part of your life will be spent with your husband. Your husband must be feeling that he is not as important as your mother and sis. Make him a priority and your little unit is strong that he doesn't feel the need to go to your BIL.
    One of my friend's DIL would use any free time to run to her mother, father or sis.
    She enjoys spending time with them talking for hours together. Her DH doesn't stop her; but, wants her to realize on her own - now that she is married, she and her DH are a unit and priority. She often keeps telling "my family - my mom, dad and sis" and her DH asked "who am I?" She got the point and stopped saying "my family" all the time. She is good to her DH's family and they really like her, but her saying "my family" all the time displays ...
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2019

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