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How should I understand this neighbour, plz help

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by kiranavvari, Jan 3, 2012.

  1. kiranavvari

    kiranavvari Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am a working woman having 7 yr old daughter. Ours is a nuclear family, with just me, DH and DD. I am kind of happy with myself managing both work and house.
    At times, I am very much upset with my neighbour's behavior. Please suggest me how to get rid off her. I told her very softly, still she doesn't realize. I am not very stern, as my daugher is very good friend of her daughter, and there are no other kids of her age around. My DD is put up in daycare after school hours till either me or DH back home. While returning from work we pick her up, and return home.
    This neighbour of mine is SAHM. She doesn't have the necessity to earn money, so she chose to be a home maker. She has two kids, elder one is 1 yr younger to my DD, and the younger is now 4 yrs. Both the kids are hyperactive, and very talkative, extremely good in speaking English. All of them speak mostly English at home. This lady learnt Music, and interested on Music, and kind of interested in English classic movies.
    I came from a small town, and my parents are not educated, and it is my necessity to earn money, so I work. I don't feel bad about it, and I am proud about myself that I am able to pretty well manage with my kid as well as work and house. I manage to spend enough time with my DD. But I feel somewhat guilty that not doing enough for my DD when ever this lady speaks to me. I told her softly that it is my necessity to work, so I do have some constraints in spending time with my DD. but this lady always says that because I am working, my DD is bit kind of moody, and not having enough social skills. And, she says that her mother was also working, and she sympathizes on my daughter. I don't see anything wrong with my daughter behavior. I understand that my DD doesn't socialize so much, but not too shy as well. This lady comes to my home daily as soon as I return from work, and keep on passes comments, sometimes how dirty my house is, sometimes how my daughter is not doing well in studies, sometimes how my daughter is not socializing. I told her softly that its my preference to manage things and neither me nor my DH has any problem with it. I am happy with what I am now. But she never ever bothers to understand my feelings, she keeps on talking talking for hours if I allow. I ignore her, even then she doesn't realize that, and she speaks in her own way. My interests and hobbies are very much different from hers, so she passes comments on that as well. The way she speaks expresses the feeling that, only her interests are very good, and my hobbies doesn't give anything. Whatever I do is total crap, and whatever smallest thing she does she boasts a lot about it. I generally do not show off whatever I do. I generally include her kids as well in my free time along with my daughter to teach any thing. I always try out few new craft items, and I teach them to my daughter in holidays. My daughter is very excited to learn, so I enjoy doing togerther with my daughter.
    Though her behavior was very uncomfortable for me, but didn't hurt so much until few days back. A few days back, she too joined ( and left now ) in a play school as teacher for half day. She used to come back by 12:30 in the afternoon. Her son will be back by that time,and daughter will be back by 2pm. But she thought if kids are back by the time she returns, she will not have any time for her self, so she put them in day care till 4pm. Well, its her choice, I thought. Later on, when the play school ppl asked her to work till evening, she quit, saying she can't manage. Again its her choice, I don't have any say on this.
    But I wonder, how can that lady send her kids off to my home as soon as I return from day long work for 2 hrs, whereas she felt that she need time for herself and put her kids in daycare. I return home around 7pm along with my daughter, and both of her kids also enter in to my house along with us. And, they will be in my house till 9pm, by the time my daughter is about to finish dinner, and ready to go to bed. And, sometimes she herself will come and talk for sometime. In her talks, mostly she complaints of how much she has to cook for her husband, and how much she does hard work in making her kids eat etc. etc. In these 2 hrs of time, I cook dinner, take care of my daughter's home work and any other assignments etc., and sometimes I would have meeetings which I attend from home. Though I cook more than her, I wouldn't comment anything as I love doing it so for my family, and it really doesn't bother me cooking for my DH and DD. She commented that she don't want to keep the house dirty like me thats why she is not working. (the day when she passed on this comment, I was not well, so house was not at all cleaned on that day) I feel frustrated. How to avoid her, please suggest. I try lot to ignore, but sometimes it hurts a lot especially when she comments on my daughter's abilities, and I worry that it shouldn't have negative impact on my daughter.

    Thanks to all.
     
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  2. Soumedh

    Soumedh Silver IL'ite

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    hi kiran,
    When you have already tried conveying message to her in a polite way now its time to be firm with her.Ignoring will not help you much because she is not sensitive.Just be firm and tell her that you need to cook and take care of your DD's study once back from work and also fix play time for your DD and her children after that they should leave.You need not justify to her why you work and the way you manage your house hold,cleanliness etc.But completely ignore if she compares your dd with her children again be firm and tell her that all children are unique in their social behaviour.
    You can spare some time and chit chat with her during your free time in weekends only..just to keep good relation as neighbours.
    Regards
     
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  3. kiranavvari

    kiranavvari Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Soumedh,

    Thank you for the suggestion. Probably I may have to be very firm, and tell her straight.

    I have told her many times when my DD's study time etc, she came back dropping her children saying they are not studying alone, and would love to have company in studies. And, she comes, and try to judge my daughter, which I don't like. When I need to cook , even when I told her about it also, she doesn't mind standing and passing on comments. She would say why do you cook, why don't you bring from outside, you are earning and still why do you want to do all these etc etc. etc...

    She didn't even mind sending her children, even when I told her straightly that I have a meeting to attend from home, and they would disturb me, so please don't send them.
     
  4. karthikas

    karthikas Gold IL'ite

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    see dear,

    this shows that she is jealous of u and ur daughter, ur hobbies. so she is kind of diturbance. u should strictly avoid such people in talking to ur daughter as there are chances that she may make ur child more and more dull by telling in front of her....
     
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  5. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    It is difficult to manage such un-understanding neighbours. God ! I have one just like yours.
     
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Next time she brings in her kids..tell her your house is DIRTY and you are dusting hte house....and better her kids stay away as they might start coughing n sneezing....say this same reason , everytime she knocks the door.

    Also one thing here..this is not a race....if you like to spend time with kids...spend time...even if its this annoying neighbours kids...but if its becoming too much to handle..dont say softly...say Sorry NO. I cant manage. no harm or no shame in saying I CANT.

    Remember gone are those old days where if someone says I dont know they will be looked down upon....NO way...These days mantra is...I dont know..I cant do....etc.,.

    Anytime you think you are not ina mood, dont oepn the door completely...just open it like 1/4 and say sorry i have a bad headache and i cant take care of YOUR Kids. say i just came from work and I need some personal time with my kid..(as you know she is lagging in her studies..) . and pls standup wherever you think you are taken for a ride...(I understand its difficult to say no....i learn the hard way..but the moment you learn this skilll....its gonna be amaaazing!!!!)

    Say no...nooo...noooooooooooooo
     
  7. ramy1225

    ramy1225 New IL'ite

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    This neighbor of yours is definitely JEALOUS of you.

    Just give her the message that you don't care much about her interests and hobbies, and you have your own interests that make you happy. Some people think that the whole world is centered around them and want to impose their likes and dislikes on others.

    Somewhere in one of the forums I remember reading this - the most important person in your life is YOU. Do things that make you happy, and don't stress yourself. You have your priorities (DD, DH, home and work), and if you think some other woman or her kids are coming in the way of your happiness, or affecting your priorities, then make sure you address them.

    If that woman leaves her kids in your home even after you telling her, then after 5 minutes send the kids back to her and tell her that you have some work. Stop being nice and don't care what she would think about you. Do this 3 or 4 times continuously, and she'll get the message.
     
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  8. DST

    DST Bronze IL'ite

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    She's showing her jealousy. Tell her that you have meeting/office work everyday after you reach home to keep her away from visiting you.
     
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