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How Should I Handle This Situation

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by iamsrihere, Mar 13, 2018.

  1. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy Finest Post Winner

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    People would rather praise a sanskari DIL that is depressed and unhappy living with inlaws that she does not get along with. If the DIL decides to make a choice to move out for her sanity and peace of mind she is a villain. Nobody questions whether the inlaws treated her fairly. Our society is flawed in thinking that a woman that excercises her right to live happily is selfish .

     
  2. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry I posted the post hurriedly after that my net stopped working. It came out as rude comment but I was just telling you what similar case I know and am concerned about how will you manage with kids if your ILS are sick. I know you are not thinking about leaving them. Sorry for posting like this.
     
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  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    The 'bigger' problem is your dh's anxiety here, I do understand how much of pressure it can add for you and shake your existing strength.

    Does your in laws know about his anxiety issues ?

    Maybe a family counselling will help, like including them, after all it's their sons well being. Make sure the side affects of the anxiety issues are exaggerated, it may not stop them completely but they might tone it down.
    N your dh's sessions might learn to control it with medicines or other means.

    Bigger home, I meant move along with them only - esp when you have two different floors , it will give you n your dh and fil n mil some face-time away from each other. You or your dh can say hi, chit chat n always climb up when it starts to go out of control.
    If they are unwell, you can discourage them from climbing the stairs or don't keep common chairs / tv on that floor, that even if they come, they have no where to sit or relax.
    Like I mentioned before, if possible move your current living room tv to their room. That may also cut your face time as they will be in their room during their tv time.
    The point is to not be in the same living room where your dh keeps hearing about their complaints which adds on to his anxiety issues.
    For both, come up with any reasons that you seem will convince them but also conveys the message indirectly or like it's coming from them.

    But regardless of all this, his anxiety issues has to be taken seriously.

    Pregnancy n delivery can add on a lot of medical stress n it can be so complicated for some people, there are a lot of stress adding points there.
    N Kids also fall sick so often, cold, fever, flu, vomiting, diarrhoea, etc are common ones that kids gets so often n there are so many other medical challenges that parents face through out the year when they have kids.

    So how's your husband gona handle all this n be there to support you when he's busy going through his own anxiety ? You would need him so much during those times.

    He needs to get to the bottom of this issue n learn ways to handle his fear n anxiety of sickness or death. Explain it to him about how important it is to address this or you will end up feeling alone during all the tough times because of his behaviour through out your life. And if he gets over this, his strength n support can give you double the strength to deal with this.

    Keep encouraging him n guide him to the right direction. If he reads, get him books that explains about overcoming this as well.
     
  4. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Gold IL'ite

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    Very good point.
     
  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    if it is not everyday closely observe for triggers and go for a counselling. a counsellor can really help. sometimes it is just that he needs to understand these things happen with many of us and it is ok to move on and live life instead of being anxious about what will happen.

    i say this as a parent. i have been very sick during my kids’ childhood and wven now have very bad days. i still remember the days my son used to refuse to go to school because he was afraid i may not be there when he returns. trigger was being taken away to hospital in ambulance when he was away at school.

    fast forward to his teens, one day we talked and he asked me,
    “ what happens when something happens to you, mom (as in death)”

    i just hugged him and told him life goes on, and he should live it to the fullest and do justice to his goals and ambitions and i would be happy for him and us..
    that every cycle in life happens for a reason and i raised him to be independent and better person and have full trust and belief he can be a good man and he is not anywhere responsible for me being sick.

    so maybe your husband needs to really understand what is in his hands and how much he can do. you cannot be like the hen that sits on the egg waiting for it to hatch.. live life because time flies..

    that is where a third neutral person or a counsellor can help. and take a family counselling if he suggests one after evaluating your husband..

    all the best @iamsrihere
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP

    You have 3 major problems according to your thread.
    1) Your PIL's health issues
    2) Your husband's anxiety due to that
    3) The amount of disturbance to your marriage

    There are some problems that we can control. But there are some problems that we have no control over.

    It is rather very common among old people to crib about their ill health and ailments, to relieve from the mental stress that caused by their health issues.
    This is not something that we can control or change. Let's accept this, and move on.

    But you can control your H's anxiety due to his parents' health issues. If needs be, he can seek counselling. You can give him peer counselling to sooth him.
    He needs to understand the reality of life, and accept it.
    He may chose religion or some other ways to rely when such uncertainty hits.

    On the other hand, you may chose to stay alive amidst all this.
    You may focus on your TTC, and every other matters of life regardless of your PIL's health and H's anxiety.
    I know it's hard, but waiting for them to be normal to start your life all over again is what hard.

    It is a matter of focusing....
    Please focus on something that makes your life interesting. If you are happy, you can spread this happiness to all at home.
    I think, bringing your children to this home is the best remedy as of now
     
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  8. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP sometime we get into a situation where we have to take all the charges to change our life and our surroundings.

    Here you can’t do much about your in laws. They have to think themselves to change.

    But definitely you need to go for counseling with your h. You need to mention his sadness kills your mood too. Ask him if he would like to live like this or if he is looking for a positive, happy change in life?

    As you said with this set up you can’t move out of the house. But definitely you can plan more vacations, outings and more space for you guys. Make sure such occasions you won’t discuss anything other than you guys, happy topics and your future, kids, career, may be about next vacation. If nothing to discuss play some fun games which will cheer both of you! But you need to make sure you both are not discussing anything about in-laws (normally we have tendency to vent) Tell your h. "That is your time, you need to be happy and peaceful"

    Ask him what is his plans regarding baby. Ask questions for what you like to hear from him. (You may not get exact answer what you are expecting but still it will provoke a thought in him).

    You need a change in your life. Either change your career else goto next phase in life. Either way do something which will make you more happy & your life meaningful. Tell your h you understand his tension, stress everything as a single son but definitely he need to think about growing his family to next stage. (Unless you are thinking about divorce)
     

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