How often do you talk to your Inlaws vs parents

lostlove · Feb 20, 2012

Hi Everyone

I have been a silent reader of the posts on this site for a long time and I have many issues, unhappiness in my married life which is prime reason why I became a member. Friends I have been married from last 3 years ....we are in north america. My husband calls his parents twice daily. I do not have issues with that...Infact from past 3-4 months we talk to them on skype for atleast half an hr everyday and I always am happily a part of it despite the fact we both work full time and so taking out time in the evening on week days is not feasible

Anyway, my parents are much older, they are in their 70s and I used to be very close to them . I used to earlier call my almost parents daily....having said that from the day I got married I called my inlaws daily as well.Never has this happened that I called my parents neglecting my inlaws...never. When we got married my husband used to call my parents 4-5 times a week as well....and then I moved to another place for work. His calling reduced to once or twice a week....which I was totally fine with, I understand they are not his parents and with issues in our married life.....this was least I had troubles with. But I never compromised my relation with my inlaws in anyway

My husband couple of months back on a heated discussion said that there is no girl in our friends or otherwise who calls her parents daily....I dont know right or wrong, but if right i know there is going to be no guy in our friends who in this busy life talks to his parents dailly and no dil who talks to her inlaws for half an hr daily and talks to her parents only after she has talked to her inlaws. Nevertheless I reduced calling my dad mom once in 2 or 3 days.

Yesterday we had another fight and he said I think about my parents too much and that is why I am a bad dil. folks, right from the day of marriage I have had many marital problems. Despite that I have always been cordial to my husbands parents. I know I live away, and its not about money but feelings but my husband did not have a stable job for about 2.5 years after marriage and I helped his parents all through paying their home loans and car....Again not about money but about feelings. I have always been cordial with them,I have been so pissed off with my husband at times but thought if I am bad with my inlaws what difference does it make between him and me.

Yesterday he said I just play being a good dil in front of inlaws and I am a bitch otherwise, I was deeply hurted . I feel all the efforts I do go into garbage. I feel he wants i should cut off with my parents completely, a person who is so concerned for his parents, has a totally different stand for his inlaws, perhaps because he is self centered? I must say his parents are still in good shape and mine are weak and much older. It aches to say but I dont even know how long they are going to live

I want to take your opinion am I really wrong? I need an opinion from a neutral perspective. Its very very hurtful, but I feel every effort i make for his family and things I do are easily forgotten if I show a care for my parents. Is it wrong to be a good daughter and a good dil together? I have no friends here and I dont want to trouble a family member by saying this, but now things are taking a toll on me and I need help

lostlove · Feb 22, 2012

How often do you talk to your inlaws

My husband and I have had a difficult marriage right from the get go. It was a love marriage but our love and trust collapsed from the start.

Anyway his parents are good, although I have not spent quality time with them as they are in India and I am in Canada, what ever time I have spent, they have treated me well. Even if there were minor issues it was okay as they are parents. My husband used to call his parents once everyday befre marriage and me too for mine. After marriage he started calling them twice daily and I was totally fine with that. It really pinched me though that he objected and showed anger towards the fact that I still called my parents almost daily. Having said that I even called his parents daily since marriage and made sure I call them more than I called mine…..

When we got married he used to talk to my parents 4-5 times a week, when I called them. Then I moved to a new city after 3 montsh of marriage for work and we stayed separate for about 2 years…..in that time and after that he called my parents once or twice a week…which was totally fine and totally normal. But what feels bad is that if I can be understanding, why does he behave like that

From past few months we talk to my inlaws atleast for half an hour daily on skype….we both work full time and I never objected to that, neither should I. On the contrary my husband passed some piching remarks on me saying there is no girl in friends or otherwise who talks to her parents as much as u do…..may be he is right but then if that is the case there might not be any girl who talks to her inlaws so much either or guy to his parents? M I wrong? I started calling my parents every alternate day thinking this might make him happy. He says I am not being a good daughter in law as I love my parents too much…my parents are in their 70s…much older than his and it aches to say this but I don’t know for how long they are alive…and all I do for them is call them and talk about welfare…..Is it a crime to be a good daughter and dil simultaneously or the fact is that he is just selfishly seeing just his side. In true love will you ever focus on these trivial matters, especially when your spouse is giving full importance to our family? Or the husbands just want more and more....for male ego

I am already depressed and these kind of words kill me, I have always tried to keep his parents before mine, maintain a normal relation with them despite our fights but I feel everytime I think about my parents all my efforts for his family go into garbage…..he is never appreciative for things i do but passes these mean comments. M I over-reacting, am I doing anything wrong…I need your advice please

manmathi · Feb 22, 2012

Re: How often do you talk to your inlaws

Hi! First of all congrats on keeping your parents and in- laws happy by talking to them regularly. My advise is try your best not to talk for hours together to your parents in his presence. And one more thing is talking for hours together on a daily basis to your parents and in-laws will only create trouble for both of you. Keep them short or make it weekly and talk for a long time.

Anyway, you are not alone in this issue , all most all married women face this problem. As always your trouble will also vanish before you know it. Just sit and enjoy life. Take care.

tanoshii · Feb 22, 2012

Re: How often do you talk to your inlaws

Manmathi is right. You are not the only one on this boat. In fact its a rather large ship full of ladies who would have the same complaint. You have been very patient and have handled it well this far. I don't see any reason from your post for him to be so agitated about you calling your parents. You are financially independent and you are not ignoring his parents either.

Parents are parents. Boy's or girl's, there should be no difference. As women, we are just getting married into another family, not given over for good to another and we can't be expected to forget our own.

Do you have siblings? Who is taking care of your parents? And what about his parents or siblings?
Do you think he might be insecure that you guys might have to support your parents if the need arises?
I do not want to confuse you. But I have seen this happen in my family a lot! Its something that can turn over an otherwise good relationship too.

Or is there any other reason you think could cause him to behave so? You said you had a love marriage and that your love and trust collapsed from the start. Any reason concerning your parents or his?

polymorphic · Feb 22, 2012

Re: How often do you talk to your inlaws

What does your husband want? Cut ties with your parents and talk only to his? It is only natural for him to feel love towards his parents whereas u feel towards yours. Either you have to toughen up and dont care a damn or give in to his whims. Its your choice. Are you ready to cut ties with ur parents to please ur husband? If yes, great., otherwise accept your husbands complaints as a part of ur life. Dont try to fight it or correct his thought pattern. You just do what your heart says.

lostlove · Feb 22, 2012

Re: How often do you talk to your inlaws

Thanks everyone for your replies....I have a brother and he lives abroad as well , so my parents are alone. No taking care of them in future is not the issue at all......they might come to us for vacation for a month or 2 if god blesses but nothing more

u know at times i feel I am leading a fake life. U get married leave everyone for one person, accept his family as yours...do everything and be at their disposal. U are lucky if u are treated well and if not thats your destiny.....just try to work it out. Even in todays world despite getting all the education and having the ability to earn as much as husbands....why are girls still considered inferior...expected to bow down to maintain peace whether right or wrong, crush their feelings?

I never felt a "girl" in my parents house.....but right after marriage I am being taught the 50 years old societal rules for girls....especially towards parents. Parents should not accept any gifts from daughters, dil has prime responsibility to serve her inlaws....the parents who brought us up, made us worth earning, gave us good values......how can they be easily left behind. Is that unreasonable to ask for? Tell me if our brother does anything wrong to our parents, do our parents abandon us? No right...then why do the husbands feel that taking care of parents is just son's business. That a girl should have super high qualities of a great dil and her parents take a back seat...after all their sacrifices through out life. Would you do this in true love?

I feel frustrated thinking all this.....is this all common with everyone? Do u fight with these thoughts? Is it worth being in marriages , i feel like its a fake system...M I over-reacting or may be not suitable to be a girl

satchitananda · Feb 22, 2012

Re: How often do you talk to your inlaws

Hi Lostlove,

Your problem seems to be one which a lot of women here keep complaining about. I am certainly not trying to say that it does not hurt or to belittle your problem. Having read your post, the problem appears to be that your husband seems to be deluding under some very common misconceptions.

From past few months we talk to my inlaws atleast for half an hour daily on skype….we both work full time and I never objected to that, neither should I. On the contrary my husband passed some piching remarks on me saying there is no girl in friends or otherwise who talks to her parents as much as u do…..may be he is right but then if that is the case there might not be any girl who talks to her inlaws so much either or guy to his parents? M I wrong?

Tell your husband very clearly that you are not concerned about other women and how often they speak to their parents or not. Getting married does not mean women have to cut off relations with their parents or reduce them any more than men do. You know it is only right for you to keep in touch with your parents the way you always did and you will continue to do so.

I started calling my parents every alternate day thinking this might make him happy. He says I am not being a good daughter in law as I love my parents too much…my parents are in their 70s…much older than his and it aches to say this but I don’t know for how long they are alive…and all I do for them is call them and talk about welfare…..Is it a crime to be a good daughter and dil simultaneously or the fact is that he is just selfishly seeing just his side.

Regardless of who is older or younger, parents are parents. If his parents are entitled to all the love and attention from their son and dil, so are your parents to the same from you and their sil. Besides, it is absurd to think that loving your parents dearly is going to make you love your parents any less and even if you called your parents less often just because your dh says so, you might end up resenting your pil, not loving them more. Please explain this to your husband when he is in a receptive frame of mind.

In true love will you ever focus on these trivial matters, especially when your spouse is giving full importance to our family? Or the husbands just want more and more....for male ego
Click to expand...

Hoping things improve for you. All the best.

manmathi · Feb 22, 2012

Re: How often do you talk to your inlaws

Reading your second mail , I feel there is some insecurity or ego in between you both as Tanoshii said. First of all there should be some love or liking or affection between you both for marriage to work out smoothly. If this is not there , then of course even small problems will look veryyyy bigggg.

First solve the problem between you two , automatically this parents problem will get cleared. If this parents problem is the only problem, then I feel that you should just give him some time to understand and adjust and accept.May be he saw or heard of girls supporting their own family and cutting links with In-laws family, which is also very common.
Show good examples of girls and her parents being more helpful , as I said previously talk less in front of him, etc. A bit of acting and adjustments is part of marriage life. At times men adjust, at times women adjust. So don't worry !!

monita · Feb 22, 2012

Re: How often do you talk to your inlaws

Lostlove,
Traditionally, in India, when a girl gets married, her husband's home becomes her home and she becomes an outsider for her parents' family. your husband unfortunately is taking a monumental approach to this tradition. He is being totally unreasonable and immature. But don't blame this on him. He is just following what he has been taught.
Please don't stop calling your parents. You have to change your DH's thinking. Tell him this is 21st century. Tell him you have equal right to call your parents as he has to call his. He will eventually give up.
But like others said, if their are other issues you have to solve them as well. Everything works in conjunction.

Reflection123 · Feb 22, 2012

Re: How often do you talk to your inlaws

I don't have time to call at both my parents and PILs.....because I find telephone calls very distracting. I find myself thinking about conversations...and not focusing on my own life, if I spend so much time on phone/skype everyday. Given limited time and energy--I have to decide my priorities .I speak with my parents regularly, because I believe they need me more than anyone else. However conversation with them is brief..and not too long.

With my in-laws....I find it little bit more difficult to call....because long conversations, giving all the details and getting regular set of instructions from them is both time consuming and distracts me from my work. Besides, they have my DH and my SIL spending hours on phone with them. I don't feel the need to pile up my own hours to that. I speak with them during weekends or when I have additional time.

The society might have decided priorities....but to me priorities fall this way---1) my own well being and ability to do work and my responsibilities towards my DH 2) my parents who need me 3) my in-laws who wish I were there for them.

I can't follow the traditional role of a woman whose in laws get highest priority ....because traditionally a woman was not pressed so much for time.......they had a lot of free time for themselves......and no set of parents were left alone in old age as people used to have many children and family sizes were big....

We need to understand traditions and our own responsibilities keeping our sense of logic alive and evaluating our situations in rhe PRESENT circumstances. We can't be expected to have responsibilities similar to those with completely different situations and circumstances hundreds of years back. Also learn to say 'no' --you can't please everyone.