How Much To Help An Aquitance Who Is Moving To Us

Vedhavalli · Sep 18, 2017

Hi all,
My aquitance from India, moving to USA ( near my place) with her family in 1 month.
I really go overboard when helping persons, later it backfires... Etc.
Now I'm learning to say NO
Coming to the issue, she is almost daily texting / calling me for whereabouts, school, A to Z on US.
1) She asked if she can look for apartments, I found few suitable for her needs. She plainly refused citing petty issues.
2) she asked me to buy few household items like vaccum cleaner, microwave wave, tv from Craigslist, suleka.
I shortlisted them by price.( Which she told the price range), I sent her the ad links too.
Once I'm telling her the price when the ad not quoted , by calling the ad guys.., she is asking me 100 questions eg.
Does it have warranty, how many years/ months usage, do they have bill, what model. Despite I send her the ad links, contact email.
3)She is expecting me to pick/drop during intital days.
Expecting too much basically, I could sense from her tone and texts.
If I say something, she would say 'yes yes, I Know or some X, Y told me already'
She is bugging me from now.

She is nothing more than an known person, met her only once. ( her dad and my dad's were collegues)
I really want to help but not over bending to hurt myself.

How far should I help?

I was thinking to buy her grocery for one month, give idli/dosa batter and some gravy, chutneys for a week.

Not going to buy few household electric items and pay advance for her apartment.

P.S: Moderator move the thread to friends n neighbors if you find it inappropriate here.

sindmani · Sep 18, 2017

Op, I would advice u one thing ,help her as much as you feel comfortable with. U r doing so much now by looking houses and things on _ line for buying . it is nice to see a friend like u .

MalStrom · Sep 18, 2017

Help her find a place. Let her figure out the rest once they get here. I came here as a student all by myself over 20 years ago and managed everything on my own. It should be possible for a family to settle down smoothly.
You can host them for lunch/ dinner as soon as they arrive and give them some basic supplies for a week or two if you feel like. Otherwise don't exert yourself too much. It's better for them to buy according to their preferences. Nowadays with Uber and ready-to-eat meals it is easy to manage.

Sangeeta85 · Sep 18, 2017

Yes u r right what u r thinking of helping her with lunch n bf..n it's really sweet of u for caring .. as far for getting her things u better be careful ,it might backfire u if the used items don't work ,u can't trust the person who sold it to u..
Give her the details n casually tell her it's better she come here n take a look at what she want n decide from what u have short listed.. better u be frank rather regret later..

Rihana · Sep 18, 2017

Vedhavalli said: ↑

Now I'm learning to say NO
Click to expand...

You must be trying hard to learn to say NO but the rest of your post and description of how much you are doing even before she lands in the U.S., for a person you've met only once, indicates zero progress on the saying NO front. So, place the responsibility where it belongs -- your still being unable to say NO soon enough.

I was thinking to buy her grocery for one month, give idli/dosa batter and some gravy, chutneys for a week.
Click to expand...

You are overdoing it. You are overthinking the help you will provide and what you will not provide. In the airport transit thread you listed making these for guests: aloo paratha, pickle, raita, pongal and rice, curry, rasam/sambhar with fryums.. and on-demand mushroom biryani. Now you are talking about idli/dosa batter, gravy, chutneys. But why?

Doing internet research for anyone is a help that often comes back to bite you. You would spend an hour or more, compile the links and send. The recipient will evaluate them, have follow-up questions, and you end up feeling unappreciated, and the time you put in is gone. Because we do it sitting at a computer, people think it was easy to do. Don't do it. Anyone can access sulekha, craigslist and anything on the internet from anywhere. I've learnt this the hard way. Gave some really useful links on some topics to a few friends. Half of the few get back with a profuse thanks. The rest actually have criticism about some of the links and no appreciation for the overall well-curated list.

Stop with the sulekha, craigslist help already. She can do that herself. When she lands, send food for one to one and half days. Two times help with grocery shopping - enough to buy groceries for a week. After that Uber and public transit are good resources. From the beginning itself, stop being available from sunrise to midnight to answer her questions via text/phone/in-person. Provide the help, but unless it is an emergency, pause before you respond, and make sure you are "unavailable" some times. If you are out of the house, at the gym, busy cooking, busy with child's homework, busy reading ndtv.com or cnn.com say so and add a "will get back to you as soon as I can." Except spouse and child, and very close friends, no one deserves an instant response each time.

Two lessons I learnt the hard way - one is not to underestimate the time I spend compiling information or links on a common topic after hours of internet research. Other, if I know a lot about a few topics, I resist the urge to give it away at one shot or too freely over the phone or in person. It is human nature to not appreciate what comes easily and plentifully.

People (including me) who have the tendency to go overboard in helping others, need to examine why we do so. Or did so. Surely not because we were forced to. Not because we thought we would lose a friendship. It is deeper. My guess is that we like to feel needed, or it makes us feel good to help others. If we give it some thought, go over the 5-6 times we've over-helped, gone against spouse's suggestion to not help, we will find some clues as to why we do it. Addressing those clues helps with learning to say NO. Move the blame for our feeling of being taken for granted to our own inability to say NO, not the other person's ungratefulness or over-expectation.

EverydayBloom · Sep 18, 2017

Dear OP,

With the description in your opening post itself showing that, she is using you even before she is landing in your place. They can take a rental car from airport to your place and you can just host them couple of days, until they find a place in the new city. I would never even look for home goods for other people, each one have their own specifications and I wouldn't even take the risk of getting pointed later. Let her know that, she can get all the stuff after she finds a place, dont go over board and let them take you for granted.

Good luck

Sunshine04 · Sep 18, 2017

Rihana said: ↑

are overdoing it. You are overthinking the help you will provide and what you will not provide. In the airport transit thread you listed making these for guests: aloo paratha, pickle, raita, pongal and rice, curry, rasam/sambhar with fryums.. and on-demand mushroom biryani. Now you are talking about idli/dosa batter, gravy, chutneys. But why?
Click to expand...

Ywe. I remember that thread about her hubby friend ..now its its hers

GoneGirl · Sep 19, 2017

Hi OP,

Based on your short description, seems like you are going beyond the norm to help out, but your acquaintance is not appreciative of the same..

Have had similar experiences.. be careful in helping people who have yet to learn how much a dollar would get.. helped someone in finding an apartment, but had to hear them crib the whole time how that wasn't the best one... and the same goes for every appliance or things you buy for them, they will report back to you when it doesn't work..

If I were you I would tell them to buy things after they reach here.. give them the websites and have them search themselves.. Help them with settling down for the first couple of weeks, and after that there is Uber (as people have suggested)..

DDream · Sep 19, 2017

Vedhavalli said: ↑

Hi all,
My aquitance from India, moving to USA ( near my place) with her family in 1 month.
I really go overboard when helping persons, later it backfires... Etc.
Now I'm learning to say NO
Coming to the issue, she is almost daily texting / calling me for whereabouts, school, A to Z on US.
1) She asked if she can look for apartments, I found few suitable for her needs. She plainly refused citing petty issues.
2) she asked me to buy few household items like vaccum cleaner, microwave wave, tv from Craigslist, suleka.
I shortlisted them by price.( Which she told the price range), I sent her the ad links too.
Once I'm telling her the price when the ad not quoted , by calling the ad guys.., she is asking me 100 questions eg.
Does it have warranty, how many years/ months usage, do they have bill, what model. Despite I send her the ad links, contact email.
3)She is expecting me to pick/drop during intital days.
Expecting too much basically, I could sense from her tone and texts.
If I say something, she would say 'yes yes, I Know or some X, Y told me already'
She is bugging me from now.

She is nothing more than an known person, met her only once. ( her dad and my dad's were collegues)
I really want to help but not over bending to hurt myself.

How far should I help?

I was thinking to buy her grocery for one month, give idli/dosa batter and some gravy, chutneys for a week.

Not going to buy few household electric items and pay advance for her apartment.

P.S: Moderator move the thread to friends n neighbors if you find it inappropriate here.
Click to expand...

OP, it is always good to help others. She is not your close friend or family member. Both of you dont know each other well. So dont expect anything from her. But you need to know where to draw a line. In my own experience ( due to over sincerity/helping nature, it backfired many times) never offer anything to anyone you dont know well, unless requested. There will be no value for our efforts. Do something only when they request you. Pl dont volunteer things for them. It will never be appreciated.

You have to accept the fact that she is a grown up , she knows well how to manage things .If she can come from India to US, she can manage it herself . For me no body was here when I reached here first time, I learned it myself. It is not a herculean task.

1) Dont do it again. Let her find her own. Tell her, it is better if she find it her own but you are willing to visit the facility to give a feedback ( if not tell her you are busy). Let her finalize apartment herself. Give a link if she requests or ask her to use 'google'. Give your opinion only if she requests any.

2) Dont buy any household items for her. Tell her it is easy to visit walmart or target /any store and buy herself when she is here. May be you can help her to go to shops or show Indian stores or provide the address if she ask you (google is also there).

3)May be you can help her in the first few days. But it is not possible to help every day. Diplomatically say her NO by informing her that taxi/uber are easily available.

If she text you all the time,dont reply back soon all time. Dont give the impression that you are always available for her.

4) If she can buy grocery, when she reach here, then she will be able to make batter herself. It is also available in Indian stores I guess. May be you can buy, bread/ milk/egg to help her if she wants. You can buy grocery for her only if she requests you to do so (keep the receipts ). But it is better, to buy when she is here. May be they dont have much idea about price and brands here, so it may end up in confusion. You can give her a company to grocery store. You can offer her home made food may be in the first two days.

During my first trip to US, one of my friend send me a list of things to bring from India . It was a great help to me. That also include two pair of dress in cabin bag ( it was a great suggestion as my checked in baggage was misplaced and I got it back two days later) also bring minimum spices/ flours/even rice/pressure cooker/ medicine / blender/utensils etc. I still remember the list. That list helped me to survive the first few weeks alone when I reached here. So any help will be useful, but make sure not to over do and give the impression that you are free all the time to serve, as you dont know the lady in person.

sindmani · Sep 19, 2017

DDream said: ↑

. For me no body was here when I reached here first time, I learned it myself. It is not a Herculean task.
Click to expand...

Me too. It took 6 months for me to settle here in USA 10 days before we shifted from California to Atlanta. . got back pain due to being pregnant and packing and flight travel of 7 hours with transit.We took rental car for a week then our car arrived. Before. My husband got driving license in California we too uber and bus(we had good public transport in bay area).In Atlanta we need car. Now things are going good. We learn to be independent here. Op,Slowly we can settle down with time. Good u r helping ur friend but limit it and guide them to be independent.