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How Much Is Too Much???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pinky2cute, Feb 24, 2018.

  1. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi ladies, I am going through the worst phase of my life. As you all know, I am still studying my masters (doctor) and in a LDR with dh who stays with his parents in a different city.
    Dh- was immature, irresponsible husband, lies for petty things :- it won't be with intention to harm me but to hide from me like about his finances, his spending money on his sister's family and his parents, or lie to me about his whereabouts, intentionally doesn't lift my calls and later lie that he didnt see (I know his mentality because he does the same with others calls too and lies very easily to anyone be it his parents or me or his office colleagues...basically immature and to avoid being pointed wrong he just lies to escape from scoldings or anger of others).

    Inlaws - as almost all know, I have had worst battles with them because of which now I had minimum communication i.e. my dh makes me talk to mil on phone wenever he comes to meet me that's all. No contact with fil who is a monster in disguise.

    Me - as you all know I had posted here about my sudden pregnancy and I asked for suggestion here to keep it or not as I was suddenly confused and unsure about my dh and our relation and finances, my studies etc but the mother in me decided to give life to my baby who would be my first child.
    Unfortunately though since the day I decided to give everything and do everything for my baby to grow healthy... I was adviced for abortion due to various health complications and possible defects in my baby.
    Yet, i fought every second to do every possible thing I can to not go for termination n give life to my baby. I was so emotionay attached with it and with hormonal changes, being alone in hostel, eating crap mess food, hospital duties, my thesis submission, studies, etc took a toll and unfortunately I lost my baby suddenly when i was almost completing 5months.

    I'm going through worst already mentally and physically. My husband came down to be with me during the whole termination process but since we don't have home (i stayed in ladies hostel) so he took me back to my parentd place immediately the next day as he n me we both couldn't handle the loss. He is more immature than me n in that state i was so worse just crying and crying without a gap.

    During this time, the day I lost my baby, my SIL (dh's younger sis) delivered her 2nd baby in US where my in-laws are now for 6months to take care of her.
    When they got to know about my sudden loss of baby, instead of feeling bad for me, they shouted at my dh for leaving his job and house n coming n staying with me.
    When dh said that he and me lost our baby and he needs to be with me...they asked him is he sure tht i was really pregnant and indeed really lost my baby or not...
    He yelled at them that he has seen me deliver our baby with his own eyes and it is nomore now.
    Even then they were forcing him to leave me there n go back by giving him excuses of job.
    (While even his boss was considerate and gave him permission for leave as I was in terrible condition)

    Long story short, my dh under their pressure had fought with me n wanted to leave n i was under physical n mental stress, i cried shouted at him for coming into his selfish inhumane parents and leaving me in this state... I said better to separate forever as i cant take this anymore.
    After all this, he calmed me down and apologised and promised to stay with me. So he took me next day to my parents house in another city.

    I was mentally depressed and crying all the time, bleeding heavily...had to be admitted for d&c. All through this in-laws never bothered to enquire my health. They were calling dh ever few hours forcing him to book tickets and leave.

    Dh did stay back till I was physically better but mentally i was still depressed but manageable.
    He left after being with me for 2weeks since the day I lost my baby.

    My issue now is that, when dh is with me, he understands me and supports me..but when he goes back to his place whether his parents are with him or abroad, he comes under their manipulation and we both have fights because of this.


    Current issues :

    1. My dh and his whole family has habit of lying. While his parents are liars for their selfish benefits, my dh is a habitual liar who is trying to change but due to wrong upbringing, he lies easily even for silly things.
    E.g. if I ask him to get something done, he would say he will for sure get it done and make promise. But then not get it. When asked, he will lie he was busy, he has no money blah blah but then when I'm still angry about that issue the next day also, he will give different reason.
    This makes me not trust him as he keeps changing his words. And later he will deny saying it.

    2. Though my dh changed a bit with lot of struggle n patience from my side, he still gets influenced by his parents. They are getting more insecured as they see their son standing up with his wife and they keep brainwashing him that I'm changing him n making him away from them.
    Though, it is not my intention, but truth is that they are selfish parents who don't even want the good for their own son in the fear of losing their control over him.
    E.g. they made dh to not accept a job in repued company last yr even though they know dh is in low paying job n this would uplift his career and also financially stabilise us just bcause it was in a different metro city and inlaws are not well educated so feared of living in a new city ( and also they didnt want to let me and dh go alone and settle away from them).
    they restrict their own son from telling or sharing anything with his wife and keep reminding him that they are his family and he should not share everything with his wife.
    They also restrict their own son from moving into a house closer to his office just bcause they have friends and relatives nearby to present house. (present one is very far and dh travels for 2hrs on 2 wheeler total 4hrs to and fro daily).
    Note- both pils pre not that educated and are jobless just staying at home all the time.

    When I was pregnant, In-laws travelled to US for helping their DD's 2nd delivery, while leaving, mil called me and said in a sarcastic tone that she thought i will keep going on weekends to my dh n cook for him while they are not there but here i am sitting with pregnancy now who will cook, my poor son has to do himself.

    Note - dh was alone before marriage and used to cook for himself. Also, they knew well i had complications from preg and my exams and thesis and studies etc are there. I'm myself eating horrible mess food even in pregnancy and instead of telling her son to come visit me on weekend and take care of me, she made that satcastic comment..

    Dh is still immature, he is not open about finances with me nor is honest about everything. I feel trapped.
    After losing baby, I'm yearning to have my own kid in my lap. Exams are over my head and my gyn told after exams, I can plan for another baby.
    But after all this happened, i hate my in-laws to the core. Dh is not forcing me to keep contact with inlaws but they will be back in India in next 3months by the time I'm done with my masters and move back with dh forever..

    I'm not willing to stay with them. They know it too probably that i dont like them anymore and dh though promised me to shift separately by that time, he doesn't seem to be taking any steps.

    His immaturity and irresponsible behaviour and his lies are making me feel furious and somehow I feel like I'm losing the love I had for him.

    Sorry for long vent, I just donno what to do. How much is too much to bear and adjust and compromise in marriage???

    How can I trust him when he is breaking the trust by lies and yet not own upto it nor change his wrong attitude?
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2018
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Very sorry for your loss Pinky.
    Hugs to you.

    Don't know about your husband but you should definetely divorce your inhumane in laws.
    Don't feel guilty ever about cutting them out of your life completely. If I were in your place I would not let my children near them too.There is nothing a child can learn from such selfish and horrible people.

    For now ,concentrate all your energies on your coming exams. Dedicate this time to yourself. You owe it to yourself. You have to do well in your exams .You have to do well in your thesis. Do it for the little angel up there who was with you for a short time .

    For the time being ,give all thoughts about your future with husband a rest. Let him know you will never live with his in humane parents. If he cares,he will find a job and place which will allow him to live with you separately. Give him a time line for doing the needful.

    Stop talking to your in laws even on phone. No one should have to listen to such vile people.

    Re assess your situation after the exams. Once you have your pg degree and a job,you will be better able to think and judge your situation.

    His parents are dependent on him so ask him to work out a budget for them . Ask him how he will manage to pay for parents and contribute to his new family .
    See how it goes.

    Ask him to cut out the lying . See how much he improves and how much you are willing to accept.

    But right now it is your time to study and only study.

    All the best for your exams and thesis Pinky.
    Wish the best for you.
     
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  3. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    How much is too much , well for me this is too too much, but is it a final nail in the coffin situation for you, thats something only you can answer @pinky2cute . You are not in the best emotional state right now to take major life decisions. Please recuperate first , cut out any communication with ur inlaws and limit your contact with your husband.. This is my opinion, but I feel these people are way too toxic and you are never going to find peace despite your best efforts and unfortunately they will always be a part of ur dh's life and by proxy they will be part of your life even if you cut contact with them. There is a term in business where they say cut your losses and move on.. that means that you will incur some loss when you terminate that business relationship but that will prevent a much bigger loss that is going to happen in future if the relationship continues . you don't have kids, its easier for you to take a call now.. think about this , get well soon!
     
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  4. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    Well pinky...
    I a. Really sorry about your loss dear...i know its hardest on the mom to be...
    But please understand that you are a daughter too. And you need to stay strong for your parents. So please try to come out of it dear.
    If I were you, I would concentrate on my studies. Your goal should be to finish your masters .
    You are n independent young woman. You give an ultimatum to your husband. Tell him that you will never ever move in with your in laws. Ask him to get a house far from his place.
    Even if he is doing nothing about it, you can stay separate once you are done with your MS. You can focus on your practice afterwards.
    If he chooses to stay with you, he needs to change or divorce is always an option for you.
    So the ball is in your court. You have a great future ahead. Much more brighter than your husband can ever think about having.
    So you don't need to be anxious. Just g with the flow. And meanwhile keep telling him that there is no it's and buts in your dictionary. He needs to decide and decide sooner.
     
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  5. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    @yellowmango thank you so so much for the reply. Your post has actually made my heart burden lil less. And also your post gave me push to redivert my focus towards my real passion- my profession.

    There is not a day that goes by me not crying thinking of my angel. It pains me a lot that inlaws behaved so inhumane. Whenever I see SIL share the newborn baby pics on social media, my heart cries.
    For one, i lost my baby the same day her's was born.

    P.S. I'm not jealous or sad for her. No mother should have the pain of losing their child. ImI ofcourse happy for her baby but honestly, it reminds me the day my baby died so i feel sad for my baby.

    Secondly, inlaws were not even interested when I gave them news of my pregnancy and after losing my baby their inhuman behaviour has made my heart bitter. Dh knows I hate them but refuses to tell their parents to stop their drama. But he does make sure he stay by my side but in the process he lies a lot to his parents as well as to me bcoz of which I can't trust him.

    I will never in my life forgive inlaws for sure. They have given wrong upbringing to their kids. Their DD was in hostel during studies and immediately married off n settled in US with now 2kids with her dh taking care of them well and being mature to handle his parents n my sil.
    Inlwas always tell proudly that their son in law is so great he takes care n buys everything for their DD, etc etc... They never interfere in their life.
    While when their son (my dh) buys me something, they will ask each detail to my dh and then say why wasting so much money on her, let her father pay etc etc (even now this happened during my hospital expenses post losing baby).

    Also, now my dh started to go down outside the apartment to talk to his parents or wen at office to avoid me hearing their talks as he knows they will speak against me or influence him in someway and that will make me angry and we both fight. So to avoid this, he hides his talks with his parents.

    I suffered a lot in initial 1st yr of marriage due to his selfish parents abusing my parents and me and manipulating already immature dh. But with my love amd constant reminding him in various ways and by giving him uncondition love and support, he slowly understood my importance and agreed that his parents had manipulated him by emotioy blackmailimg that they did so much and got him educated and now for few days wife he is not listening to his parentd and blah blah.
    He himself acceptrd n even fell on my feet and cried and apologised and promised to correct his past mistakes which is when i gave him and our marriage ansecond chance but i did not forgive him totally nor forgot the past.

    Meanwhile he did show some changes and proved but still here and there I kept catching his lies. It may not be huge lies but i cantc stand lies. I feel husband n wife should be transparent and honest.
    While he lies and later when caught says sorry and blames situations and says he wont lie again but it keeps happeneing.

    I'm mentally exhausted. But truth is that I'm emotionally too attached to my husband but i lost my respect for him. Whatever he says i feel it a lie. He says ImI a blessing for him as I have shown him the right path whereas his parents through 30yrs have guided him and supportrd him on wrong path. He says he is trying to change but it will take time but then his actions are not proving what his words say.
    My parents are too naive and trust others easily. Even now my dad who is my biggest ar of support and who raised me as a strong independent career oriented woman, says that if he is immature, I should be mature and give him time to change. My father says even a rightly broughtup son gets easily manipulated by his parents n in my case my dh is not at fault as he was broughtup wrongly and if I show him right path, he will change.

    I agree, dh has taken stand for me many times and is changing for me...but I have lost trust on him and he is still lying for petty reasons nd this creating fights between us. Also he is lazy and tells lot of words and makes promises but when it comes to doing it, he keeps postponing giving silly excuses or lies.
    I lost respect for him and nowadays I have become so bitter that I am yelling at him because of his not taking any actions to make me feel secure and earn my trust instead he is still lieing.
    Despite my anger, he keeps saying he needs time yet he doesn't value time.
    His parents interefere a lot.
    E.g. from US his father called one early morning and complained that his indian sim sim is not working. (Fil is not educated and not know english well to talk to customer care) so dh said he will talk n see. Note that fil though not educated, does know to make skype calls or use FB N WHATSAPP ETC. He wanted to probably call a relative in India and that person did not have net connection.
    Anyhow it was just 30mins post talking that again fil called and asked why u dint talk its still not working. Dh said he will talk its not urgent anyway so give me time.
    Even then again after 1hr fil called again yo ssay its not working.
    All this was on the day of our 2nd marriage anniv where I was pregnant and dh came to meet me in my hostel and we were planning to spend a quiet day together. They ruined the rest of the day too with continuous interruption ..like calling and asking where we are... What we are doing... What we had for lunch then which movie we went..
    Wen in movie theatre also they called asking whats next plan.
    So much so irritated that I was mood off. I told my dh to switch off his phone and after lot of reluctance he did but just for an hour and then on it saying he may get offc or imp calls. Again his parents call started and fil yelled at him for switching off his phone.
    After all this, I lost my interest and our anniv spoiled.
    Even if dh wants to reduce talking to them also they are not letting him. Again they emotioy blackmail that he is not even interested to talk to them blah blah
     
  6. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot. Leaving him? I donno that's what I'm thinking from long time. I know he loves me and I'm too emotionally involved in this marriage too. I lost respect for him and feel he is not that mature responsible and honest or trustworthy which i always wanted in my partner... But i know his love is not fake n if he was not showing changes, i would have long back left him but he is showing changes though not at the level what I expect still.

    Yes, I need to focus on studies. His parents are toxic elements who don't even ant their own son's growth in life. They are holding him back.
    I hate them.
     
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  7. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you so much. Yes trying to focus but very hard. Everything is sreming dark and unsure of where life is going.
     
  8. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    O dear...you are going through a lot of hardships in your life currently. And you do need positive people around you . Try to Surround yourself with positive people. Your father seems like a very matured person. You are deeply in love with your husband but please understand that sometimes love is not enough. We need love , trust, truthfulness, security , reliability and positivity to lead a fulfilling life. Seems like you have just love as of now. Your husband lags in the rest of the areas. So when the right time comes, don't make your decision just based on the fact that how much he loves you or you love him.
     
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  9. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry to say but how can you spend your whole life with so much of lies. I know its not easy to just leave but I think you should stop thinking about them even about your dh. Just do not make any contact with him for few days and try not to think about him. Then slowly divert your mind completely in your career. Your mind has so much and you need to flush it off. Reenergise your mind first then take any decision.
     
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  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Pinky,
    you are mentally and physically weak due to the unfortunate events. It is quite natural to feel sad and depressed. Accept the reality.

    Now focus on you. Your studies, thesis and degree. Come out as a winner. It is your passion and fully devote you for it. In the mean time gain your health and try to fix any medical issues you have.

    Completely cut off all negative people including your in laws from your life and surround you with positive people.

    Don't even waste a minute thinking about pils . Tell yourself that you will not think about them and divert your attention to some thing else. Meditate everyday and believe in almighty if you are religious.

    Don't think about another kid now.

    Once you finish PG, I am sure you will get job in any reputed hospitals and you will be in a financially secure position than your husband.

    Tell your husband that you will not live with Pils and if he wants a life with you, he has to move with you even if you work in the same city of your PILs. He can make arrangements to support his parents in whatever way he like.

    You love your husband, he is making efforts to be with you. See that positive aspect and appreciate it. No one is perfect. So accept him with his defects . Strengthen your relationship . Then you will be able to change him again. It is better to avoid talking against his parents . Instead take a stand that it is your parents, you manage them.I dont care, i dont like to talk about them. Cut them off atleast now. As you both love each other , you two can build a happy life.

    So be positive. Be strong, Be smart, study well and come out in flying colors .

    All the best with your studies and exam
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2018
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