1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

How Many Of You Are Adjusting With In Laws For Sake Of Kid? Good Idea Or Not?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Jul 24, 2019.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    640
    Likes Received:
    725
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    I have interacted with many of my friends, colleagues and relatives who resumed full time job after having a kid, or kids...they are staying in joint family setup with in laws and work full time, either in laws look after themselves if age and health permit and child is old enough to go to school or either look after with help of domestic help by supervising them...
    While interacting, I got the general idea that there are many disadvantages and conflicts within a joint family especially as two generations are living under one roof..but ladies are adjusting for sake of kids so kids are safely looked after...
    Especially few of my relatives had big time issues with MILs but still stay in joint family with their in laws as they can peacefully work in office without any tension of how their child is looked after..especially those who are having girl child would be concerned about safety of the child..
    I'm settled in India, and in Indian scenario..there are many issues that parents face if they put child in day care such as child falling sick often, maybe I'll treated by caretakers there...
    Those who hire a nanny for the child would get individual attention for the child but there is a risk of the nanny mis behaving with the kid in absence of parents when plane with child..and of course the drama which domestic helpers in general do like putting un informed leave and demanding extra money etc...
    just generally I have a few questions..
    1. To what extent should ladies adjust with in laws in joint family if in laws are in general very caring and affectionate towards child and are taking somewhat good care of child in their absence?

    2. Or is it better to just not keep in laws in the picture and opt for freedom of nuclear family? And shell out money for day care / crèche or caretaker nanny?

    3. What to do if in laws are coming and staying in the son's home almost 6-9 months in a year, like thinking of permanently settling with son...expecting the help and support of son and daughter in law and the comfort of being looked after during sickness etc...but not ready to give even 10% of support mutually in return to a working DIL? I.e like not ready to commit to support the DIL, not even ready to supervise the domestic help to look after kid during working hours of DIL?even if they are in reasonably good health and somewhat physically fit? MIL tantrums are really really tough to deal with, for anyone..
    In such case isn't it better for them to stay separately and not trouble son and DIL? As they have so much extra work of food prep, house work, laundry, medical care etc if in laws are staying together..comparatively the work is not much in nuclear family...

    If there's no option of staying separately what do ladies usually do when they HAVE to stay in a joint family for long term and do some amount of cooking and cleaning for in laws and entertain their guests but in laws not ready to support DIL in career and husband too not supporting?

    My cousin faced this situation...actually there was big fight and then they got transferred abroad for couple of years.. The they returned to India but on one condition that they stay separately from in laws..not she is taking help from her parents and arranged caretaker for looking after her child..her parents stay nearby and they supervise..
    But not everyone is lucky to have options open for them...

    I know very well that kids are parents responsibility...I'm not arguing about this here...

    Just want inputs and options from ladies here...what is better and what is level of adjustments to be done? Those who are living in India, not abroad..
    Note: I'm not asking this for myself, but posted as a general discussion to get different perspectives...that's why didn't post anything about myself...
    I'm not working or planning to work right now so this is not about me..
    Request posters to reply in a kind and practical way only.....
     
    Loading...

  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,537
    Likes Received:
    22,636
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    I have no personal experience in this but from what I have seen...your cousin's solution is the best one.

    It is always better for the woman to take help from her parents if she wants things to go smoothly.
    Communication is smoother, parents genuinely want to help the woman as she is their own blood unlike the dil.
    Parents rarely think of this help as a favor and generally do not want any return favors.
    Helping their daughter and spending time with daughters children is itself the reward.

    Similarly this woman's in laws should help their own daughter and her children.

    Daughters are also more amiable to talking care of parents compared to in laws because parents do not have entitled un reasonable expectations from daughter and son in law.

    Since the guys are not the primary care takers of old parents/ in laws in India most of the time ,the compatibility of the caretakers ( daughter/ dil ) and the elderly should be given importance.

    Life will mostly be much smoother.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2019
  3. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    1,610
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Taking help from either in-laws or parents will have issues. One major thing is they should be willing too and this should not be forced on them.

    You have to analyze what the issues are and then decide if it is with having or not.

    We tend to amplify issues with mil but in most cases similar issues will crop up with own mothers but we are more forgiving

    If you take help from older parents you should be open minded and willing to follow their parenting styles. It won’t help if you have diagrammatically opposing views and you expecting them to follow yours is difficult.


    If you cannot stand your ILs ,it is better not to involve them in children care.if you are good at ignoring petty things from in-laws , it will work ok.

    I have taken help from both IL and mom ... I have seen issues at both ends ....

    Some issue may be cooking , they may take over cooking or not cook at all ?
    You may need to include them in all your outings and vacation plans ? If it bothers you then it will be an issue?
    Privacy is reduced automatically.
    Spending time with spouse will be reduced because ILs will also take over that time.

    Every one will have opinion in things related to children and other things at home , it depends on you how to
    Navigate .

    If you or ILs tend to compete and are into one up man ship , it won’t work at all

    If the issues are intolerable and you cannot stand ILs or have a lot of resentment about them, it is better to not have them.
     
  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    640
    Likes Received:
    725
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
  5. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    334
    Likes Received:
    422
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    It is a balance. If Inlaws are those weird types, who won't do any help and also will expect everything in hand and still criticize. there is no point in living together.

    most important ignored fact i have seen in ILs here, support of the H . if he keeps a blind eye then it is going to be a long fight with those weirdos in laws.

    however if Inlaws help like making sure in india, cook or cleaner does their job. making sure kids come and eat and do homework . Parents have to train kids to listen. Then the couple should also be accommodative towards their life style. couple cannot act like over sensitive too .

    like my MIL is very orthodox, my H has told her to respect my life style. But she will make sure my H must take bath on weekend , do his Sandyavandanam, then eat. My H will grumble but will do. She is strict to kids taking bath and quick namaskar then eat. It used to hurt, but i let that slide. because she will make sure kids are fed, homework done and they will sleep with her if i have late meeting and H has lot of work too. her ways of making and feed food for kid is very different. i have to let that go.

    she has to let go that a cook comes who is not brahmin ( no insult to any culture here, ) but she is old and othodox but accepted the reality.

    this does not mean she is like my best friend or mom .

    it thin balance where we have to enjoy and let them have their way of living without affecting all.
     
  6. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    375
    Likes Received:
    399
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    This is not exclusive to Indian setting, it is a universal scenario. As for the in-laws help and the adjustments that DIL/SIL has to put up with is give-and-take. If it doesn't balance, then the arrangement may not be right one. It is not grand parents duty to be parents all over nor is it the responsibility of children to care of their parents by keeping parents in their house and creating a war zone. If you cannot create a positive, caring environment, then one needs to find alternative solutions as it will impact growing children which is not fair to your children. Alternative arrangements may cost more; but, it still counts for caring for your aging parents and it frees one from added stress, from rest of the stressful situations in life.
     
  7. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    375
    Likes Received:
    399
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    good if you have daughters and it is only fair that parents don't expect it is son's responsibility to care for parents in their old age.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  8. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    375
    Likes Received:
    399
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    you will be thankful someday for creating a structure and discipline in your kids life. It is not a bad thing ...
    you are very wise and practical ! win-win for all. My way or Highway never works ...
     
  9. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    375
    Likes Received:
    399
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    @armummy, You have put things in proper perspective. Only thing, I would add is to set aside "date nights" with your DH; that helps which I encourage my son and DIL.
     
  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,098
    Likes Received:
    4,541
    Trophy Points:
    315
    Gender:
    Male
    Yes. Thst is the crux and operating part of life.
    Thanks & regards.
     

Share This Page