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How imp is haldikumkum ceremony for maharashtrians

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by superwoman09, Jan 31, 2012.

  1. superwoman09

    superwoman09 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi

    I wanted to know how imp is this haldikumkum ceremony in Maharashtrians. I am a nonMaharashtrian married to a Maharashtrian. My MIL started this recently...she never used to do this before my marriage..now she starts calling everyone for haldikumkum under my name...saying that its good for u..she invites her friends and people staying nearby saying that I am doing haldikumkum and then leaves the house under the pretext of going to my SILs shop..I am not interested in all this since she usually generates a fight on some or the other pretext..and I feel that if the home environment is disturbed what is the use of the show off..like this year she told me to take an off from office, I do WFH and usually try to finish up early in case we have guests at home or have some work..but it is not possible everytime..this past month I already took some leaves and now I cannot say again that I have to wrap up work early..she told everyone that I have work and cannot take off, etc etc..In fact I told her we will do it a little later in the evening, around 7ish, so that I can finish off my work, but no she goes on calling up her friens and badmouthing me...inspite of the fact that we had not yet invited people for that...I felt so angry that I wanted to stop the show off for once and for all...Yest was the last day, rathasaptami, for doing haldi kumkum, but again she said that today that is durgasthami, many people are doing haldikumkum and we will do it today. u go invite people..she knows that I am work in the morn...I told her i will do so after I finish work..anyways cannot go to other people's house at 9:30 am for inviting...morningtime everyone is busy with their routines...again she tells me invite everybody at 5:30 pm..i usually work till 6:00...If people r entering the house at 5:30 we need to keep the house clean, get items ready, and make ourselves presentable which means I have to finish my work by 4 4:30 which is not possible for me..I told her if somebody comes in early u please attend to them, i will finish off my work and come....she does it on purpose...so that she can tell people...see she is working while i poor MIL am doign everything...she doesnt even come downstairs even if she knows guests are coming and I have to do everything...tell me how is it possible....Gosh, what do I do...if it was possible then I would have taken leave, but it is not possible...I am screaming at myself for paying attention to her in teh past...taken leave whenver she has asked me to...now even if once I do not take leave..she gets angry and starts badmouthing.
     
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  2. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Haldi Kumkum ceremony is important but its not done as a routine , not every other day.Are you getting invites from others for the same ceremony frequently??
    Tell her nicely that you can do it on special occasions after getting advance notice.Let her take care of inviting.
    Maybe she is doing it as you are a new bride.
    Lets hear what others have to say.
     
  3. Manojcool

    Manojcool New IL'ite

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    Hi superwoman,
    i am from pune, i am maharashtrian. haldi kunkum is holey thing its important for maharashtrian women. its great you have done it. I really apericiate your efforts.. as you are new bride its imporatnt to you ... your MIL is main proplem, typical sas mentality. try to avoid her, whenevr situation where you can avoid her try to avoid her..
    Enjoy your life with your mate.. my wife has also same problm but i alwys do support her from backend.. my mom is always try critise and any put bad words, but i know how difficult for working women to cope up. i can unerstand you problem..
     
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  4. superwoman09

    superwoman09 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi, thanks for ur replies...am not a new bride per se...its been more than six years now that we have been married, but with inlaws sicne the past two years only..and she has started this custom....last two years i followed whatever she has said. This year, too, I want and am okay to follow, I just asked her to make it a little later in teh evening around 7ish so that I will not have to take leave from work..I told her as I have already taken leave in the past month and this month, I will not be granted another leave... This year itself I have started to work from home parttime since DD has started with preschool and I have some free time at hand. I am working after taking care of kid..in the few hours that I have when she is at school and in the afternoon when she sleeps....Since I am at home I find it difficult to make them understand that even tho at home...i still have to work, i cannot get up everytime they want me to. My DH fully supports me if I say something, but at the end of the day I feel he gets sandwiched between me and his mom, so I avoid rushing to him unless it is a major issue.

    This morning was just pretty worked up..needed someone who would listen to me, so vented out my feelings on IL. I have nothing against following rituals, but she always manages some way or the other to disturb the peace at home..I feel its no use to do a showoff of following rituals after creating a big issue out of nothing..and disturbing peace at home..I am trying to get myself immune to her badmouthing, but do get worked up sometimes....everybody here is new to me so obviously they believe what my MIL talks...DH is aware of it and tells me to ignore it as that is the way she is..nothing can change her..and why I am worried about what she says..anyways those people dont matter to me and those who matter to me know how I am.
     
  5. Sysh

    Sysh New IL'ite

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    This sounds like my story only a little more worst. My MIL is planning to throw a haldi kumkum party but totally modern. I wonder what will it be this time.
     
  6. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    But now the time for haldi kunku has gone, it is only done from sankranti till basant panchmi.

    And yes coming to OP's question, it is very very important for maharashtrians.

    A married lady is supposed to donate sesame during this time to other married women, it is good for the longevity of her marriage.

    It is a way of celebrating their 'saubhagya.'

    Generally MIL's do it very fondly for their DILs, especially when newly married. But it is not restricted to only newly married women, my mom just did it 2 weeks back and she is 51!

    You should be happy about it, there is no need to take stress for it, you do not have to arrange dinner for your guests or do anything elaborate, just apply haldi and kunku to all the gathered women, give them till ladoos or chikki, and give some small return gift called 'vausa' maybe earings, bindis,bangles etc.

    Sometimes, you also have to give haldi and kunku to them separately in a small packet, apart from applying on the forehead, just that nothing more.

    If you want you can serve a drink or give ice cream or something, but that is optional.

    Why do girls complain about it, I would be very excited if in future my MIL arranges such a function for me, that too by calling many women. It is her way of pampering you, think about all those women who don't have MIL's, there is no one to do all this for them.
     
  7. marlboro

    marlboro Bronze IL'ite

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    The only solution is to actually go to office and avoid all the haldi kumkum ceremonies at home. Elders dont understand the WFH concept and expect us to be available for tasks at home. For ex, I am right now doing project support for last few weeks. If its critical, I get calls even around midnight. Its important to have your MIL understand that the work is little stressful for you and you would appreciate some advance notice on these ceremonies.

    If thats not possible ,then lock yourself in your room and come out only once the work is done. Ignore all the badmouthing that might incur.
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2014
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  8. superwoman09

    superwoman09 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi ILs

    This post is two years old. I just saw that some members had replied back to it.

    I was and am in no way opposing the tradition but what had irked me was that it was used as a means to badmouth. Plus I was telling her the reason for just having it a little later in the evening and she was not ready to even listen. During that time I was already stressed with work and was not feeling well, stomachache for a few days, which I ignored because of work and these reasons. It then progressed onto a kidney infection and took me quite some days, almost a month, to recover.

    Well the year after, ie last year, during the year FIL had a tiff with one of the neigbhours (Neighbours did some things inspite of us asking them not to as it was disturbing us. FIL started badmouthing them in a loud tone and they responded back, both were at fault but it got increased because of FIL badmouthing). Also MIL does not like another neighbor (reason being she talks in English most of the time) so she asked me to not invite those neighbours and invite the rest of them and told me that if that particular neighbor (English talking one) comes home she will walk out.

    I told her that if I go out to invite I am inviting everybody. I do not want any fights with anyone, especially neigbhours, nor do I want any fights at home because of them. Why stretch out the negativity? If she was not cool with it then she could go out and invite whoever she wants and I will do all the work required at home and do the haldi kumkum to whoever comes home but I am not going to be a part of the fights and drama especially when done under my name. Well she did not invite anybody then and this has as of now stopped.

    My MIL does haldi-kumkum to any saubhyagavati who comes home for the first time and I fully agree with it and also gets small gifts/sarees for them.

    I have no problems following traditions as long as peace at home is not disturbed due to it. If every haldi kumkum was going to become a source of frustration for her and me it was better not to do it at all. She had no answer for that and the matter was closed.
     
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  9. skans

    skans Silver IL'ite

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    I am a maharashtrian and dont celebrate haldi-kukum. I certainly dont think it is very very important as some previous poster said.

    Haldi kumkum, as I understand, was started so women could have a bit of a social life and to give them a break from the daily household routine. It was through haldi kumkum that a lot of women met and exchanged ideas. It has been an important tool in getting women together and starting the trend of women's education during the British rule. It had its relevance in earlier times, but today there are other means of social interaction.

    Please do no misunderstand me. I am not against haldi kumkum. My mother celebrates it and enjoys it a lot. Last year, I happened to be at my mom's place at that time and participated. But no one should be forced into some activity in the name of "tradition".

    Superwoman09: If I were in your place, I would go out and invite the guests to arrive at a time suitable to me and tell MIL I invited everyone at 5 (or whatever time she wants to hear). I would invite whoever I felt like. If the MIL makes a drama like walking out of the house in front of guests etc, she will look undignified in front of people.
     

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