How I Deal With This

Hi,
It is really unfortunate that a person studying in that field is responding and behaving in a childish manner. I am sorry to hear the issues which is concerning you and your parents.
Well, the answer is in your ID name. The attitude of this person has to change, I think it should have been a long standing issue, as per your thread here. It doesn't seem like an overnight issue. It should have been from young age and that is a possibility.
You would be better off, instead of pampering her with your extravagant spending, put some reality into her life. Why does she need to have so much to spend if you consider it yourself as extravagant. Certain times, we too are going overboard to please others and that is the reason the things are taken for granted. Might be you are thinking for the sake of your parents, but in the end it is your hard earned money which needs to be spent wisely. Think of ways how to please your parents in things that are essential. Same with your sister.
You need to figure these things out. Because I don't know the dynamics and necessities of your family. In your sister's case, probably a bit of counselling might help her or just sit down and talk to her by yourself without your parents around. Open communication is necessary. Definitely I am appalled at the word she had uttered at your parents. Talk to her and make her realize the issues which are giving unhappiness to yourself and your parents. Hope she changes.
Hope you are able to rectify the problem.
Take care,
Vaidehi

 

Op,
clearly, as Vaidehi as put it, her behaviour is a result of all the pampering over time. Even unknowingly many parents themselves pamper the younger sibling , when compared to the elder one. The elder even if not told in so and so words, is always made to feel he/she requires to be more responsible etc and it turns out to be so also. From what i gather, the solution here would be to slowly stop pampering her. Your parents need not take her bad behaviour even if it is a question of her weekly visit only. She needs to be told (by you personally) that instead of looking forward to her visits parents may just dread her coming if she continues in this manner. Hope she is able to realise as this attitude will be a problem for her in her personal life in future as well. Take care.

 

I don't think it is normal even if she is pampered. pinching and pushing, it is a routine? How is she with outside people. She has good long term friends? is she able to maintain long term relationships with others? is she the same from the beginning or she developed it recently?
Does she shout at you too? Try to talk to her friends and class mates, may be she is in stressful or anxiety stage.
Why anybody has to get that much anger, there is some other issue which is coming out like that. You please see in this angle too.

 

Your sister has become a spoiled brat and is behaving exactly like a small child throwing a tantrum when denied it's littlest wish. She also seems to be somewhat immature. You have enabled her by buying extravagantly for her and your parents also probably never disciplined her. This is not going to change overnight. And you are not doing her any favors by letting this continue. How will she react at her job when things don't always go her way, and when she gets married and has to make a lot of adjustments?
You need to go cold turkey on her. Stop buying her gifts and anything non-essential. If she gets a stipend then she should be able to manage with that. Otherwise make sure that her allowance just covers the necessities. And your parents also need to be strict with her. If she behaves badly at home they should tell her that she is not welcome at their house and she can remain in the hostel until she learns to treat them properly. Being soft and pleading has not worked so far, has it?
You all need to sit her down and talk to her seriously, then back up your words with actions.

 

Dear OP, Yes attitude matters, but here it is not only about attitude. It is about responsibility and respect. Unfortunately, your sis has not been shown the need to develop those traits. Tough love is a vital part of parenting, and if you all love her enough, you will bite your lips , squeeze your eyes and do the right thing. You can't let your weakness of " I can't bear to see my sis hurt" be the reason of her poor character. You all have to shoulder the blame when she has mega relationship issue in future.

This is a much harsher case, but have you heard the tamil song - "ooshi eetho paar amma.." The Boy and His Mother - Fables of Aesop

You owe it to her to be tough and show her the path. Parental love is not about pampering, it about providing needs and inculcating good values.That is your (putting you in the parental role) responsibility. It is going to be much harder, since she is all grownup , but better late than never. You parents have raised you well, wouldn't you want your sister to be like that? Otherwise, you all are doing her an injustice.

 

Too much pampering has spoiled her.Looks like she has got sense of entitlement.
Cut all the spending on her.Give her only what is needed.
you need to show her tough love.
Tell your parents to not to talk to her if she behaves like this again.

 

Good to know that she is a good doctor and she has good friends and well behaved outside home.
If BP & heartbeat is rising, at this young age, she is stressful may be because of her professional demands. As a doctor she might be knowing everything, like why and when she is losing temper, what healthy food and life style has to follow etc, which has huge impact on out stress levels.

if in future her H is a soft guy means she may treat him also same way, then she will not have a loving H, they can't keep loving your sis, if she behaves so, like you guys.

If she reads books, introduce her to good personality development books, How important a person to be respectful towards every other person, etc. Your parents also need to be assertive.
You can search in amazon.in website for books

You all talked and counselling is done, she is not listening to that and no effect. so it should come from a third person. May be your parents and your sister can meet a counselor ( or a family friend who is good in telling some good words and you sis respects them) .

If she respects your H, and your H is ok, he also can tell few words with out telling anything like your parents worried etc, but casual talk,

 

Dear @Attitudematters

Lots of similarities with my personal experience!
Start dealing with your sister like you deal with a stubborn child.

- First off, if you express everything about your parents and do everything for everyone in your family, what is left for your sister to do? She may not voice out her thoughts like you do or care for your parents as you do, that doesn't mean she doesn't care about them or about you. She is not yet there. She is not you, she may not be able to do everything like you do. You all have done everything for her so long (still-doing) and suddenly if you expect her to grow up, she won't. Needs to be done in steps.

- She considers you and your parents as a safe zone. A zone where she can have what she wants, let herself go and act however she has to. Thats why she is well-behaved outside and is letting loose at home. Being with setting boundaries with her. Like when she disrespects your dad or misbehaves with your mom, she should be told not to do so with a stubborn tone. Yeah she will shout, but when she does so, you ignore it, ignore her. Move to the next room and continue ignoring it if needed. If she yells on the phone, disconnect the call. Call back after a while and talk normally about unrelated stuff - nothing relevant to what she was demanding. Same with buying her stuff. Just say no and don't give importance to her tantrums or shouting. She can either get what she wants when she is polite with you all and at your convenient time, or she should do it herself.

- She is listening to your advice, just not understanding the impact or just doesn't know how to act on it. She needs to learn from experience. Frankly, I think you should let her. Simple tasks like accompanying your dad to the bank, helping with mom etc should be delegated to her. Else she herself is going to have a tough time down the lane. When she does small stuff, praise her a bit. Next time she visits, just tell her in a soft tone to look at your parents reports and see if everything is ok. If she does and lets you know, praise her for what she did. This will slowly become a habit if you give her the space.

- Her coming home on weekends is OK now because she shouldn't be left unmonitored for a long time. She could also be under stress about completing her course with good grades, may be she is just not able to express it by sitting and talking. It may be easier for her to cry or shout. Keep an eye on her. Hope it works out well for you all!