how easy are the second marriages?

Daffny,

If you can help her immediate family understand that their anxiety for her may be handled in diferent ways it will be better. As Shanthi says, it can be under the pretext of helpng her child...most parents manage to put their child's need ahead of their own. See if that approach will encourage your cousin to step out more. Have a sit down with her and talk about her plans for the child...how does she want the child to be empowerd in her life...then let your cousin identify small steps (every week) that she has to do to schieve a long term goal (at the end of three months). Then you can revise these and push the bar up.

I know it is easy to say and difficult to practice but the only way to go is forward...it is good that you are taking the efforts to help her...and that you are open to suggestions. Trial and error will help you and your cousin find the right steps...

It is understandable that in her environment divorce stands out even more. But a second marriage before she works out all the emotional and personal issues will only put her at a disadvantage.

Can I give you a totally funky idea? ...plan a trip to the himalayas, go snorkeling..just do something that will jolt her...be spontaneous-no shopping, eating trips...go on an all girls outing...the wider the age group the better...but no discussion of marriage, failures and future...just enjoy the present. One you come back, you can revisit the whole thing together. There are all women tours now.

This will need an investment of your time, money and emotions...same as the other efforts but it will give you the opportunity to break from the tried methods

 

I know a few ladies..one of my neighbour is a lady who is divorced with teenage daughters and still manages the show well. if you cousins are a phone call away to help her why can't she manage..it is all in the thought process.

 

Hi Daffny,
It is always better not to mingle with relatives when such things happen. they hurt even more.. I personally stopped visiting to marriages and stuff..they r ready to take gifts but not ready to stop talking ill about others..
there is no rule that a single guy will take care of ur cousin and son. If a guy has a son he might take care well because the relation is mutual- if she takes care and then he takes care of each others children.

 

why do you have to get married again? Being divorced is not bad. She has a daughter so your cousin needs to be very careful while opting for second marriage. Even though she may find a match, who knows how the man or his family may behave with the lil girl. there are so many stories about step fathers molesting their step daughters. I would even hate the idea of remarrying.

My choice would be to have a good job and live independly - preferably in a city where you have less tongue wagging.

Its not neccessary to be married. And she has a kid too- she wont feel lonely either

 

Hi Daffny, :hiya

I agree with you that guys has too much expectations in terms of looks of girls. Majority of guys want a girl who is slim and trim, young, good looking, total clean (I mean virgin) expert in cooking & can take care of home, his parents and family. Just like guys has expectations, girls too has some expectations too. But expectations are one thing and reality is other. :hide: No matter what you expect, the lot should be available in marriage market. As far as guys are concerned, then yeah, this mentality of marring a virgin still exists within them, no matter even if they are divorced, but they have to come to terms. Which unmarried girls like to marry a divorced or widowed guys? Hence no matter how much they dream of virgin young girl, but nowadays most of the guys are knowing reality, so settling down in their life atleast in their 30s is their first priority. I am refering to matrimonial sites and I can see most of divorcee guys select marital status "divorced" or "widowed" under their partner preferences. Also most of divorced guys are open to marry divorced or widowed girls. However I am looking for guys who are middle class or upper middle class. Maybe those who are earning more than 25 lakhs per annum and settled in foreign countries might think that since they have money they can find the girl of their dreams, but girls are not that fools nowadays, infact gone are those days when girls were crazy to marry NRI, nowadays, very rare girls want to leave their career and family and interested to go to abroad. Not me too. Finally this guys when they reach their 35+ will come to terms and lower the criteria. However if a guy keep a criteria about caste, geographical locations, good family background, education & career, good nature, communication skills and other skills of girls is okay, BUT problem is that their criteria is something about like model type looking girls who is virgin and very soft who can be homely and can be housewife and take care of his joint family, here where they are bitten.:bonk

 

Daffy, you try and that is all that you can do. The rest has to come from her. yes I know two people who are successfully married and one who had a very bad second marriage...in all three cases they met through online sites. But all three couples managed the processes on their own...the parents/families were involved in the final stages only.

 

Yes, I can give you two examples I have seen. One, there was one beautiful girl who married man and had a son with him. But this man and his mother and sister treated her cruelly and beaten her so badly that her father took her back. This man and his family spread rumours about her of how she is characterless etc. And as usual our society will always see girl's fault. But this girl got very good guy who was NRI, good looking, professional & rich. He accepted her with her son. While the man whom she married, he married another time and killed his second wife and married third time. The girl is happy in her second marriage. However this girl was beautiful, in her mid 20s and from rich family. Then in another case, one girl who was my mother's cousin (my distant aunt) she had two daughters and her husband died. She got married with a man who accepted her with her daughter. However, one daughter was adopted by her sister who didn't had any kids. While she got married with one daughter. Her husband nature is very good, he has one son too whom my aunt is treating like her own. They are happyly living. She was mediocre, less educated but was able to find life partner suitable to her. So your cousin too might find life partner whos suitable to her. But she should remember, that thought whatever expectation she has, first she should figure out her own postion, and accept that you will only able to find what you are worth and what suits you. If I am less beautiful then I can't expect handsome partner. No offense to anyone, but we should accept our weakness and have expectation accordingly in terms of money and looks. As far as expectation of love, support, care, nuclear family, good nature responsible partner is concerned, that everybody deserve.

 

daffny,

you can never know the depth of the ocean until you put your leg in. you should not underestimate the cousin's strength. lot of people manage. remember, she needs to learn to be strong and support her son, even in the event of a second marriage, what if things don't go smooth and there are hiccups, she cannot look back at her failed marriage, she needs to forge forward, find solutions.

I know you may find it hard to digest, but people change daffny. the same people who are so sad that she is not happy, may soon get engrossed in their own life, her parents may lose their strength (both physically and emotionally) she needs to understand this..this is the ground reality whether it is a first marriage/divorce/widowhood. people get lost in their own problems.

coming to successful second marriages, yes i know two people who have married with kids. one of them has a kid from the second marriage while the other does not.

and never make her feel that all doors are closed. i am more and more convinced that you need to bring her out from her village to the nearby town atleast. why don't you ask her to visit you with her son. that way you can make her look at chennai and see if she can tackle. remember today you have lot of single ladies setting up house due to their job in chennai.

all the best..