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how easy are the second marriages?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by daffny, Jan 22, 2012.

  1. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I have nothin to tell you or say to you....only request is stop generalizing....if you thought I was generalizing about inlaws..you should read my other posts on what I think...(either you totally want to pick up a one on one argument or you totally want to ignore that your thoughts may be wrong!!!)

    I have no questions for you..specially all these days I heard your side of the story about your situation..but your recent posts started making me wonder, may be your spouse has to explain her side, even before I picture her as what you are potraying....and by the way who cares what I think about your situation!!! you know what are you and who are you!!!

    If a man WISHES to live with his parents....its HIS WISH :) yes..and if a DIL agrees to it but later finds it as obsessive and nothin she does seems to satisfy the man....I guess ITS HER WISH too to say NO and separate. (on another lien of thought, you may have seen threads on how some woman hope n pray n expect miracles from such men thinking they would change....and we all know now!! from your posts...why some men dont see light or their spouses point or dont think thats its no harm or danger if DIL says no to living with inalws. she is not mad...she is not bad...she is not monster...she is just a human wanting to get some space. (even if inlaws are super duper great n nice....and such inlaws will never force their DIL to live iwth them or will not consider separation in their sons married life)

    See finally its your life you do what suits you....just like the way I do what suits me....finally we all talk n share what is right n wrong as per our experiences n learning....its on people what they want to pick n act on!!! however in any case..if you potray a DIL as a monster when she says NO to living with inlaws..I can never agree to that....doesnt matter how good n loving the inlaws are....if we love n consider n be patient with someone we dont push the person to do what they dont like....we find options...(unless someone is sooo unreasonable that all they do is bring pain....and its better to separate from people if its a daily task of living in pain.....doesnt matter if that person is a wife/husband/inlaws/parents/friends/neighbours...)

    We all have one life....we have to pick our priorities....and if parents are a priority...pls do not marry because no one can look after our parents as we do...or as we want to...and no matter how much ever the othe rperson tries, the other person is not the kid of your parents....there will be diff. in thoughts/actions/customs/traditions/approach.....if we cant live with give n take...better not to marry rather than put several conditions and get married and then separated.....the onus is on the person also who puts conditions of living iwth his/her parents..(not just hte one who says yes to it!!)
     
  2. anonymou

    anonymou Silver IL'ite

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    Dear, its you who cross replied my post, I never started an argument.

    Its great that you finally realize that we all have our lives, and we make decisions for ourselves, you yours and me mine. If you notice, I had not asked you for advice on my life, and never dared to advice you for yours! I only replied to OP as she publically asked for an advice.


    Ofcourse, there will be my spouse's side of story and actually no story is complete without hearing both sides. Totally agreed, you may totally change your perception after listening to my spouse! It is totally baseless to judge anyone negatively based on just what his/her spouse is saying and you are correct in having your reservations. Obviously as you said, in any case, who cares what you think about this situation.

    Did I potray my spouse as monster? No, only a liar, which many people are, and I told you in previous conversation also, it may be totally my fault that my tolerance to lies is very low. Other people have higher, and I appreciate them, its their way of life!

    Only disagreement(I would agree to disagree these things cant be proven one way or another) is on the statement that onus is one the person who puts the condition. My natural sense of morality(which may be flawed in your judgement) would say the person agreeing on the the condition should think before agreeing, everybody is generally expected to keep their word. And the wisdom of your last paragraph should have passed from mothers to daughters, and daughters should have then enlightened their suitors with this wisdom.

    Am glad that we can end argument on small disagreement ;-)
     
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  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I really wanted to say alot about this...but from your posts it seems the stubbornness of your so called morality oriented personality is what led to the situation you are in...just because a wife promises to take care of her husband and inlaws doesnt mean that she has to no matter what...even if it means she living in pain and making others happy......I guess its better to separate rather than living with a man who holds your word against you ..for his entire life......what if the same wife holds your word/vows you have taken during the marriage customs/traditions.....you were so upset that the divorce proceedings were not happening as quick as you wanted....because she or her parents are not willing....you dont like to see people holding your word (i.e you committed to her) agains tyou...but you like to hold her word against her ...PARENTS n PARENTS n PARENTS...gosh really!!! the more I think about this parents issue and if this is hte only reason for divorce..I have no words for such couple. (enough of me responding to your posts......because you seem to be one of those men, who like to hold it against the spouse...you wont let it go...even after separation or the spouse saying NO....)...move on....your wife doesnt like to take care of your parents...,done deal...youd ont want to live with that woman because she doesnt want to live with your parents..good n great......not every man will be like you..,there may be some men who try to understand situation and be considerate and may give time to the wife to see hsi perspective...you are not one of those men....so be it...no harm...but pls stop talking about keeping word...keeping promises...if she didnt keep her promise..so did you...are you willing to keep your promises and commitment that you made during your wedding vows?? ..no...you are ready to leave her...so remember that you are equally not keeping your word.
     
  4. Padmasudha

    Padmasudha Bronze IL'ite

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    Hm, on keeping promises, some random thoughts:

    in any legal (ie enforceable) contract, the conditions agreed to have to be:
    - legal under current laws
    - follow principles of natural justice
    - agreeable as fair to one's peers

    If the environment/laws change, the contract can be reviewed.

    Here, we are talking about promises for a lifetime of living- say, promises made in one's 20s, and expected lifetime of say 75 years, so about 45-50 years? And we live in a changing environment, with even peers changing their views and expectations.

    So, surely it is all about negotiation and flexibility. When we say `promises', these are not legally enforceable with no review at all for 50 years?? Ultimately we have to depend on people's good sense, maturity and sense of fairness in these matters. So yes, there is morality involved but lets not make the mistake of believing that morality lies in sticking to a promise, however other conditions have changed.
     
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  5. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    mm... I thought my H is only of this kind. I can see another example of men saying me, my priorities, my feelings, my parents all time. Dont understand if parents of such guys dont advice to live with wife or guys dont like to take advice from anybody. This is called SELFISH.

    To the OP now... We have to have patience if someone is thinking of remarriage with kid. Yes this is bitter truth that even guys divorced or widowers even with kids would prefer to marry never married girl.

    Your cousin have to take charge of life....improve her career and take care of kid then marriage will fall in place with time. Me too in similar situation....I do think that my personal life will be unfullfilled but Kid's life is more important than mine. As sri said on my thread that my life is normal only spouse is missing. Even in future if I think of remarry I will surely marry a man with kid only (widow or divorced) as I feel I myself dont have reservation to be mother of other kid....and i feel if i show love to others kid they will reciprocate the same to mine. But as for now, I will have to deviate all my energy to built up my career and kids life.
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2012
  6. daffny

    daffny Silver IL'ite

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    thanks megalife for your reply, yes nobody is ready to accept their failure in marriage.

    thank you JGVR, the problem is she never wanted to live an independant life.

    hemalatha, i feel sorry for your friend. there are soooo many girls like her now.

    anonymou, let it be "years of accomplishment or self-fulfilment to other individual"... but i dont see anybody staying with the same set of rules for years. first year they say "within same caste, religion" in second year it becomes "caste no bar" and finally "anybody". why does this happen then? as hemalatha said if they were flexible from the beginnning they would have got very good mataches in the beginning itself. I am not asking anybody to say yes immediately and come with his parents. just they can come forward one step and ask the details. I have given only very imp details and with that how can anybody say no? this is my question here.

    srividya, I always see your comments very commanding and instructive in any of the threads. i dont like the way you answer. I always see you never ask for details but come with so many assumptions to blame the OP. do u know where we are coming from whether city or village?(a very small village we are from) do u know my cousin has inlaws or not?(they both passed away 5 yrs before her marriage).

    ivlakshmi, in my opionion when both the sides have kids again that will become a problem as there are issues like fighting between kids,mother giving importance to one and father to another....

    omnam, i have read your threads. your husband is 90% same to my cousin's husband. thank you
     
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  7. anonymou

    anonymou Silver IL'ite

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    This is precisely my reason of wanting quick divorce. If she doesnt keep her promise, why should I keep my conditional promise? If a girl has a liberty to change her mind, why not man? She breaks hers, I break mine. You hit the nail in head.

    Where did the presumption of pain kick in from? This is the general bias I try to fight.


    Sure. Only that in case no conditions changed.

    I have no doubt accepting that I am selfish. In my opinion, most of the world is, most people living in this world pursue self interest, and keep self interest over anything else. I know what I am not, I am not hypocrite, I am not a lier. Being selfish, is a human trait, that does not mean humans(or the selfish amongst us) do not make sacrifice. It also does not mean we do not love, in fact love itself is by "self's" desire to love or be loved. In fact, whole stability of marriage is dependent on "this desire of self to love" and "mutual interdependence of selfish ends".
    If you see, the very few people who are NOT selfish, would generally not remain in marriage like Gautam Buddha. (do not confuse, my reasons for not remaining in marriage though are purely due to selfish concerns)


    Now coming to OP, yeah I see what you are saying. Yes, people become flexible in their expectation over period of time. But it is clear by the fact that they are refusing after imp. details is that they dont want a wife with a kid. IMO, its better that your cousin gets married to someone who is *really* willing to be stepfather of a child, rather than does it out of desperation. Wait and may you get the right match.
     
  8. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    Is your cousin happy on her own? Or does she feel sorry for herself too?
     
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    You have to see that I was replying to IVLakshmi when I was talking about girls who dont know about birthcontrol.. and coming to inlaws...you mentioned in your first post that inlaws want a kid and went about saying your cousin had a kid in the first month of marriage itself.......so chill...nothin personal here.
     
  10. daffny

    daffny Silver IL'ite

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    srividhya, i saw your reply to ivlakshmi and so I wrote like that. about kids i told in general

    having a kid in marriages in India is still not in the hands of the girls. the inlaws want kids immediately after marriage and many couples dont plan for anything.


    and not abt my cousin. this is why I told you dont read properly and come with assumptions. all are talking about emotional problems and so please dont comment like these.
     
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