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how easy are the second marriages?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by daffny, Jan 22, 2012.

  1. daffny

    daffny Silver IL'ite

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    I am looking for a groom for one of my relative girls to her second marriage. I have registered her name in a matrimonial site and I feel very disappointed with the responses. my cousin has a girl baby and that has become a very big issue here.

    those who are NRI (esp in USA and UK),and in India those who are well settled and have good money reject these girls immeidately. they dont want to even know about these girls where they are from and what they are doing. having a kid in marriages in India is still not in the hands of the girls. the inlaws want kids immediately after marriage and many couples dont plan for anything. (in my cousin's case also she became pregnant in the same month of her marriage. just one year she lived with her husband.)

    and I see guys here waiting so long with these rules. I see a guy more than 3 yrs(I am the one who is registering all my relatives names in the matrimoney site and help in marriages) who is now nearing 40. also seeing a set of guys who come with so many rules and later changing "doesnt matter, no problem....etc". why are they wasting all wonderful years in life like this? the years wasted are wasted only , they never come again. having so many rules and keeping a perfect picture for a wife can save a marriage? marriage is full of compromises in my view. nobody would have got satisfied 100% with thier partners. we accept the plus and minus of the partners and live life happily.

    I just wanted to tell these to girls who are in hurry to get divorced and guys who are not ready to compromise even in second marriage.

    I am upset to see my cousin who is very much younger than me living alone and have vent out here. may be there is an other side for this. ready to accpet and waiting to see others opinions too.
     
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  2. Megalife

    Megalife Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi daffy
    I do feel sorry for the plight of your young cousin,life can catch you totally unawares.
    Now to the other side of the coin, till today the Indian society by and large considers remarriage with a pinch of salt, even the educated modern men/women! Should a groom be bold in thoughts and come forward, he will have his folks and friends tugging him from behind.in today's nuclear families the children are one, two or may be three. No mother/or father will be wiling to give their ward in marriage to widow/ divorcee, they do vocally sympathies with the situation...but when it comes to business it is always " why me" or "why my son"????
    Remarriage mostly worksout with another partner who has been thru the same, they share a certain empathy.
    When a child is in the picture, again most have their reservations. I am talking about a complete arranged marriage scenario.
    Mega
     
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  3. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    our society has just started to open up.things might bev difficult today but will become more easy say baout 5 to 20 years down the lane.Please do not show this frustration on your cousin.let her live her life and pursue her ambitions.marriage is just a part of life not the ultimate purpose of life.
     
  4. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi daffney, you are so true.You know one of my close friend , she is 34 running now and stil searching for the groom.In her case too she had so many expectations on the appearance, horoscope matching, job , income, parents appearance too. Now she feels sorry for herself for rejecting so many good matches which came earlier and now the guys who come to see her are literally half bald middle aged men.

    Personally what I feel is , when we plan for something so high, God plans are so different and we end up with a great disappointment.So better not to have so much expectations .
     
  5. anonymou

    anonymou Silver IL'ite

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    I beg to differ. Its ok to have any monumental expectation *before* marriage. In fact, it is good if due to his/her impractical expectation the person doesn't get married. He/She is not harming anyone else by doing so. As far as "wasting wonderful years" is concerned, thats their individual choice. What may seem wasting to you, may be years of accomplishment or self-fulfilment to other individual.

    On the contrary, I believe problems occur when people promise to do things in marriage without expectation "in order to get married". And later realize/reveal, that living without these expectation was not possible for them at all. As an example, it seems (and I have been told in this forum) that for girls living with in-laws is inhuman, unjust, unfair. Yet, we see so many girls agree to this arrangement before marriage only to recant later in married life. Why compromise before marriage on things you are not comfortable with? So its good, that a groom who is not comfortable with a step-child is not coming forward for marriage. If today, some come forward and marries and after marriage says he cant keep the step-child *that* would be real problem.
     
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  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    that is a outrageous comment...(seems like you being in the forum for such long time didnt help you understand anything at all about a woman (close minded????!!!!!)...

    As much as I agree with all other comments of yours in your post.....you have to understand that MANY women are willing to live with inlaws...(this is when inlaws act all lovey dovey before the wedding , during that initial days..when they call their DIL as their daughter...by WORDS.....etc..) but things start coming to a level, where its a daily fight to live with inlaws, they commenting on how the DIL is brought up, or how she is fit for nothin infront of their daughter....or other relatives etc....thats when girls put down their foot and want to live separately....You would see this behaviour in many inlaws the day 1 when the DIL steps in to their house....they may seem normal to the son/man....but DIL can sense how she is being treated,....silent comments, back biting, eventually shouting at her,or her parents or the comparisons, insisting they were right in the way they judged the DIL, making son beleive that they ar eright in what they did..(what do you expect the son to do here?? support the 1 day old wife or support the parents??!!!) infact why do parents put their son in such situation??? and when the son doesnt take a stand infront of his parents and wife that his wife has to be treated with respect....thats when things fall apart....she wants to live separately, have her own space and life....because in this stressful world/century..we already have enough ...and to deal with such monsterous inlaws is like another task..(mind you there are still DILs who live with such inlaws and take the crap day in day out!!!! maybe you have to wrap your head around such threads too.....seems like you havent read those threads yet)....


    Pls STOP showing DILs as monsters...(I understand there might be some girls who dont take care of ill and helpless inlaws...but not everyone is like that...there are people who have genuine reasons for not wanting to live with inlaws after marriage...though it was not planned that way before marriage...)

    On the contrary I would want to ask, a man who was working out of home town, away from his parents,why is the sudden need for him to make his wife live with his parents??? it is like you get a good unpaid servant to take care of your parents??? if you want to take care of your parents, why not you do that personally instead of putting that responsibility on your wife?? and such men who do that, have you ever took care of your inlaws?? their well being, spoke a nice word to them??

    Pls I dont want to say this anymore...but STOP putting things as if what you see and what you know is hte ONLY truth...(also I have men who complain about things like this...whn their siblings want to live away from their inlaws, the same men support their siblings saying ohh her inlaws are monsters or cant gel well etc...etc....you wont know the pain unless you face it...)

    And for a person whom living with parents is a MUST Thing, its better to put it very FIRMLY and tell the repercussions to the girl if she wants to live away from inlaws...(warn her if she doesnt want to live with inlaws,, you would consider divorce/separation...atleast that way...girls will know how serious you are...and may be some or ALL may stay away from such obsession)
     
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  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Daffny

    let me tell you couple of things here...as long as your cousin or a man /; woman let hteir parents/friends/neighbours control their married life...doesnt matter how many marriages they have or whether they have kids or not.,...its tough to have a successful marriage...

    You said your cousin got pregnant in the same month of her marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why such a hurry? cant she just suggest ok, yes we will have kids, give us some time to enjoy the honey moon period etc..etc...you dont have to fight with inlaws or relatives to say this....she could have bought some time and am sure there is a way to tackle this....no matter how pushy inlaws are....she can explain to her husband also and make the husband deal with things...instead your cousin went ahead to have kids..........


    SORRY to say...but after comin to this forum, I started realising some of the actions of a woman are SELFISH....some think, by having a kid they can kind of control their husband or change the husband or may be avoid divorce etc....but what is to happen will happen eventually....if your cousin had a kid just to please her inlaws, what was her plans for the kid?? how can a mom not think of kids future? now she is ready to get remarried, has she ever thought about the kids mindset? why rush?

    so instead of having kids for the wrong reasons, better to think about kids future and not hurry in having kids...(I guess this should have been your suggestion instead of saying dont rush in for divorces)....

    Also...if your cousin has a kid and she is in such a hurry to get married...or you are in a hurry to see her married, think about how the men would feel??? am sure you wont go for any man who is widowed or has kids right??? did you try to go for such men?? I saw in my relatives where women who have kids, dont go for a man with kids, they rather want a single man....they dont like to take responsibility of the mans kids....again selfish isnt it??

    Second marraiges can be a hit when both parties are ready to make adjustments and understand where they are coming from...but if the second marriages are also done just like the first ones (all mistakes, mis understandings, wrong expectations or too many expectations from one side) then is there a chance of success??
     
  8. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    @srividya - sorry to tell you one point..though its 21st century not all women think negatively or cleverly that marriage fails / some thing will happen to wait and decide on husbands character to have kids. not all women have enough knowledge of birth control pills etc during initial days- it can be because of the way they are brought up . the guy might have well behaved before marriage and his true colors are shown only after some time.I would prefer not to be judgmental on the past of any one. every one has their own reasons.. I also agree with what u have said to anonymou.

    Daffy,
    People don't generally look for how long your cousin has stayed with him and also she has a kid. I stayed 2mons with him and got separated. All our relatives know about the tale and none is interested in giving their sons hand. In matrimony sites , I am getting very less response. If i see divorces (couple of them) their nature is not good or left their wifes after long time relation ship..if I check unmarried guys , getting less educated and not earning guys or very much aged guys..
    Y dont your cousin search for a widower who has a kid, just as her.. Marriage is all about having a companion after certain age ..(*** excluded)..This way she will not have to bear ex wife problems and more over she will get a father to her daughter.
     
  9. anonymou

    anonymou Silver IL'ite

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    Srividya jee,
    First, I want to know whether cross-replying is accepted way in this forum(I read in another thread of yours, where you asked the members why cross-reply, everyone is replying to OP, why comment on other's comment).

    Second, to the outrageous comment. The first line is a quote from a long and controversial thread in this forum itself in which you actively participated. I was told this "that living with inlaws is inhuman, unjust and unfair" but for some reason you didnt find it outrageous there. Second part, "that girls do agree to live with inlaws and later recant" is also I believe you also agree. You are just giving the reason why this may happen, you are not disagreeing that this does happen.

    Infact when you say inlaws are all lovey-dovey before marriage, you are bolstering my point that one should not lower expectation "in order to get married". Some inlaws may be doing lovey-dovey things "in order to get married" and later change to their true nature: that is precisely what I am condeming, right. Such in laws, are as much to be condemned as a girl who makes false promise to get married. And in fact, again you yourself said that unmarried girls have some "which cannot be expressed in words(one needs to learn only from unmarried sister)" problem due to which they may even agree to do outright condemnable acts such as giving dowry *in order to get married* . From that, I understand that girls are more prone to make such compromises before marriages which are hard to keep later.


    When did I say all girls are like that? Ofcourse some girls lie, and some do not. There are some good girls and some bad. I always mantained that. If at all, its you who are trying to show ILs as monsters (just read your own para before this).

    Sure, you should ask this to any man who proposes you for marriage and wants such an arrangement. He may have his reasons or he may just say "my wish". Its upto you if you find his reasons acceptable.

    No dear, ofcourse I never claimed to know whole TRUTH(such a claim is no different from claiming divinity -;) ), you are free to have a different opinion than mine, I am only sharing my opinions, you can share yours. In fact, your tone is more like "no, this is incorrect". I just humbly begged to differ.

    Ofcourse. If you are talking about me, I was told that it wil be such a good fortune for my wife to be with my parents that separation from parents is IMPOSSIBLE(my dear inlaws told this before marriage). I dont know how FIRMER things get.
    It would be great if ALL girls would stay from such obsession, that is part of my post, if the expectation is not practical, the person remains unmarried for his/her own good.


    There are other personal questions directed at me like what did I do for inlaws, why I want my wife to take care of parents. Not sure should I answer those in this thread(which I believe is for OP).
     
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  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Lakshmi

    waiting to have kids....waiting to understand your spouse better is not a negative thing....or is not some devilish plan in marriage....and pls dont tell me that women dont know about birth control..I understand if you are talking about someone from a village (but I guess many know about it...but just that dont take action on it....) anf if that someone is really ignorant about birth control pills then I guess such people will be ignorant about divorces/second marriages also....(I know I may be wrong....but pls I am talking about educated girls.....even a 10th pass girl will know about birth control...)
    also lets not talk about the way the girls were brought up etc.....no its not about the way they were brought up..you cant just drop the gun by pushing it on your parents...if you still think you are a kid and no one told you ab out birth control or safe pregnancy then such people are not still ready for marriage (from the mindset perse!!!!)

    either be on this side of grownup or be on the other side of being a parents pet and not marry sooo young and naive!!! if someone is anywhere in b/w then such things are bound to happen...

    I guess even OP would agree with me if i say......do not be in a hurry to get married without underrstanding the resposnibilities thatyou may have to shoulder, without understanding what is child birth n pregnancy, without understanding what is marriage first of all....I am not saying divorces are wrong./bad....people do fall apart...but if a person is so naive and dont have any future plans when they get married and all their concentration is on getting married and staying married....where is the opportunity to make yourself a better partner in marriage?? where is the opportunity to learn and understand the spouse??

    If someone chose to have a kid so sooon in a marriage, lets not blame the inlaws...(they ask what they want...because thats what they have seen....they didnt see girls working or taking time to get pregnant or divorces etc...nwo a days these have become common...so WOMAN Have to be more sensible and cautious in the decisions they make!!!)


    I am not judgemental about anyones personal life....but what I am trying to say is...pls be responsibile and take ownership of your own situation...its easy to point out at EX or inlaws or parents...but I dont see anyone saying its MY FAULT. my incapability. or MY decision.....!!! (why is that..I never understand..)

    Last but not least...about your groom search...why is it necessary that you need a very highly education or highly earning groom? what is imp. here?? a man who is sensible and understanding ?? he can always continue higher education after marraige, provided he is interested in that!!! if this man doesnt run around money and ishappy with what he has...why think of it as low earning capability.
    pls dont go by just what you see good / bad...research and take time to understand the other person....you dont know you might find a diamond in a bag of dirt. so dont loose hte bag thinking its just dirt.

    My life experience has been..Our expectations are our own enemy!!! think what you cannot live without and get that first...instead of every quality that you would like to see...because no one is perfect. (including our own self)
     

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