How do you handle sympathy? I personally hate when someone sympathize at me. Particularly whenever I am fighting with confidence to win my fate. Whatever the problem may be... a failure in exam, job front, health issue or even a marital problem. I am personally very courageous, and I wouldn't mind some empathy if that also brings some moral support when in need. But sympathy and looking at me as if I am a poor creature, or a failure makes me very sad. I get demotivated, and sometimes tend to give up my fighting spirit with this. People say, I shouldn't get angry, because the ones who have concerns for me only sympathize when I am in trouble. But, I don't like to be looked down despite of my troubles, be it whatever. And I fight, only because I want to come out of it as i hate it. Needless to say, sympathy comes with unsolicited advice. If I am labelled as a failure, it is expected that I should listen to all those well-meaning advises. If not, again these so called well meaning people blame my adamant nature as a reason behind my failure. Any suggestions?
I too don't take sympathy very well.I kind of feel sympathy pulls us further down. But sometimes we just cant help it because if we had not been in this situation, people wouldn't really sympathise with us or offer advice and suggestions. So cant really blame people around but rather our own time which is making us to bear with these.
Sympathy arises from the tone of the narrative of your woes. In general, I could say: I am so confused. My colleagues are nasty! My parents are conniving. My partner is impassive. My cat disobeys me. Why such fate? How long is the fight..where am I going in life ... Or, I could say: Golly! What an adventurous life My colleagues are from other planet. My parents seem halfway between Byrneses and Fockers My partner is an ajooba. Do I have a cat or a furry dragon? What a grand fate! The fight keeps getting interesting ..yop yop! Then, instead of “Oh! Poor thing” you will hear “Go Kitty, triumph away”. You must hint people on how to perceive your personal stance against your situation. Public only mimics your own perception of the situation. Sympathy is polite. When in doubt, public is disposed to that traditional and noncommittal offer. Sport to an otherwise dour narrative will cue them on how they are supposed to react to your persistent combat. Left to their own devices, public would invariably choose "sympathy" over other gestures, as I said, sympathy is cordial and innocuous over other hesitant gestures.
Last year, i went through a challenging phase in my life. Not a lot of people knew my situation because I chose to keep it private. The reason? Because I knew anyone's sympathy would make me feel week. My friends eventually found out and nearly everyone who did expressed their sympathies- specifically, 'wow, I dont know how you do it, I couldn't' and each time I heard that, I swear I lost some of my strength. I think it's just human nature to feel how you are made to feel. If everyone is feeling sad for you, it's hard to not feel sad for yourself. How i handled it- I had to repeatedly tell myself ' I am doing great. My friends mean well, but they don't know my story. They don't know my courage. They don't know my strength. They're not in my shoes. If they were, they wouldn't be saying 'omg how are you doing this!' instead, they'd be telingl me 'you go girl!' Wish you good luck!
I think people who look for sympathy at tough times can only give it too. Otherwise consoling someone doesn't make any difference in their situation.
I can't stand sympathy personally. Caring n sympathy may sound similar but it has a line that can be crossed easily. I am a fiercely private person when it comes to sharing about my private life, like the Dear Zindagi movie I have a close- inner circle that matters the most, rest is all extension circles, so only the close-inner circle knows everything about me, extension circles are strictly on a need to know basis. So how do I deal with it ? By keeping it strictly on a need to know basis. Why? - I have seen some loved ones suffer more due to this public sympathy situation. So it's mostly a bad thing. - It also made me see that some may feel happy looking at your suffering though they may not show it outside. So a bad thing again. So I decided that it's ok even if you don't show strength but it's important to not show weakness. My fathers passing at a young age some years ago was the first public sympathy situation for me. It was tough to handle. I will be normal, then someone will come n show sympathy then it will bring the tears all over again. I told my close friends to stop talking about it, or convey to anyone n when someone tries to talk, I nod my head n walk away to stop the conversation from going any further. It was a challenging period. Additionally, I have seen some people striving on this sympathy. They need it so bad that they will do anything to exaggerate their situation n make the others feel n show sympathy towards them.
Everybody has good intention only . If it is irritating , best policy is " In one ear -Out the other ear "
If u are very public about your personal problems, you will invite sympathy.. It's better if u confide in close people only who will understand your feelings and give moral support and practical solution.. Many people may sympathize with good intentions but they may not know that you dislike it. To a large extent many people I know, discuss their problems with others so they will get some sympathy for example my MIL wants to keep telling about her health issues, she feels very happy when someone sympathises and keeps saying how weak she looks and how she should take it easy etc...I confess that many times I myself have vented about my problems to close friends, expecting a little sympathy ..it was comforting to hear words of empathy from someone close..but when I found that few either dint care, or replied in an insensitive manner or seemed happy to hear of my problems, I kind of stopped speaking about my personal problems to a large extent. That way no feelings hurt, no sympathy either.
@Iravati I get you. I am not a public person, but sometimes certain things can not be kept private all the time. Specially when you are closely connected to your people. I am not sure how correct it is that public only mimic our perceptions. Then there won't be two or three different reactions from different people for the same problem. As I quoted earlier, I take my problems not so seriously and I do not give up easily. And I understand why others consider me as a fighter, and always respect me for that fighting spirit. But for the same, there is this group, who often sympathize with me. They think I am forced to fight, and I don't deserve a life like a battle field. Even though I courageously fight, and feel proud about my success, the others take it as a curse on me. This is why I think, people don't mimic our perceptions, but they being themselves.
Sympathy may be with good intentions, many people long for it in certain circumstances. As we don't have to prove anyone anything, just smile, say thanks and take it away from our hearts or leave it through the other ear. We can only change how we respond to these situations not the people or their approach or thinking or behavior. We don't need any body's certificate. So ignore or accept it based on the situation.
