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How do you ensure that you have enough relatives and friends around you.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Apr 21, 2015.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Perhaps my case is unique, but I really need your perspectives here.

    How do you ensure that you have enough relatives and friends around you.

    I have a huge group of friends, mostly my job related ones who are in touch with me all the time. However, when it comes to physically interacting with them, we lack the time and effort. Unless it is something very important/urgent we seldom meet or visit the families.

    Whereas, the relatives from my maternal side (uncles, aunts and cousins) are seasonal. They have a love-hate relationship with my mom. Since she is living with me, they never consider me as an individual family member, but just an extension of my mom. Therefore, their relationship with me always fluctuates no matter how hard I tried to be at distance and diplomatic whenever they have rifts.

    My paternal relatives never had a close relationship with us in the past. In fact, neither my dad, nor his siblings took an effort to mingle with each other after a small conflict my mom has with one of her SIL (Apparently, she tried to drain my dad in the past).
    However, we cousins are having a modest relationship via social networking sites only. We visit each other once in a while when there is a family wedding or funeral despite of living in the same state.

    As for in laws and family, perhaps you all know that I had a bad start with them. Although we have patched up, things are still fragile, and I keep the distance willingly.

    During all those past days, I was totally busy with my demanding career and family issues. So, never bothered about this.

    But now, I am fully settled with a preferred, less demanding job at home with family.
    Whenever I attend for events like weddings, parties or funerals, I feel we have no one. I mean, I have someone for my mom, or for my husband's mom. But no one for me, and my family. Hence this post.

    PS: I am married for 6 years. But started living a real marriage only for 2 years.

    I would like to hear from @Yellowmango, @Laks09, @Sdiva @Peartree @Guesshoo @Shanvy @Sparkle @nb25 @rihana @hrastro and others whose user name is little tough to remember.
     
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  2. dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    Let me tell you my story.

    Before i was married, i had friends (College, work) and we used to meet very often. With cousins too (mostly mom's side as dad's side has always been distant from us). My mom's side relatives used to live in like 1 mile radius. we used to meet every evening, or have lunch together, sleep overs etc.

    But once i got married these meetups and talking over the phone, chatting everything reduced. Then we moved to the US. (3 months after we got married). New place, new people, new culture. Everything was new and in the midst of trying to build a life here we lost in touch with our old friends. The new friends we made here i would call them acquaintances.

    Interactions with cousins also reduced. Though we go to india every year; meeting once a year is not sufficient. I miss all the important events like weddings, birthdays, in some cases even death.

    My in-laws are here in the US but again we hardly meet.

    For the time being, its just us.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Mostly true for us too.

    Lucky to have a few really close friends.

    Doesn't bother any more. The peace of mind and "silence" makes it worth it.
     
    sindmani, hrastro, anika987 and 2 others like this.
  4. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    There was an article that some time back ...price of admission. Here is sort of the summary.


    " Any long term relationship that's successful be it with ur spouse friends or relatives requires a price of admission. No one is perfect neither us nor them and unless we reconcile ourselves to that, we will never have relationships that last longer than two months. "
    ..Yes ..some are just not worth it but if it is beginning to look that everything/everyone around you is not worth it then its time to introspect.
     
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  5. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV:

    I actually ensure that the relatives and friends I have around me are good to have or not. I do feel the same way you do, around festivals and important events. But I would rather be happy by being just us (me,DH&LO), than have a lot of friends and relatives around.

    I make sure there is constant communication and visits in person from time to time with very few friends and relatives. I believe, having someone on one's side comes from mutual dedication and participation in each other's lives over time along with survival of challenges.
     
  6. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    Its the same story here as well. I miss everything and looks like I'm left alone.
    What can be done. Nothing. I do try to call or interact over the phone or Social sites.
     
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  7. dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    Me too @indu; you know what that connection i had when i was there is no longer there. Last time when i went to India for my sister's wedding, all my cousins were there. They all, including my sister, had these lil jokes, gossips from previous get together etc. I was feeling really left out. tried to get myself involved but no use. so laughed at the ones i knew and ignored the others..
     
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  8. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV, thanks for the tag.

    I think it largely depends on the kind of person you are in the first place and then the general dynamics of your relationship with others.

    We are basically a very close knit family, that is not to say that there aren't little squabbles and spats here and there. I have to credit my mom for this. when we were growing up, I am pretty sure she had her issues with her MIL, a husband who was extremely pampered in his family being the youngest child and a host of SILs and co-sisters... but she never let me or my sister know about any of these and never let us limit our interactions with them. I am sure my aunts, uncles and others might have had issues with my mom too, but again... none of that ever showed up in their behavior towards us or in our interactions with our cousins! I guess whatever issues the elders had was sorted out between themselves. As a child, I have never seen my parents speak ill or complain of anyone in the family. Now that I am grown up, I get to know of some issues, but I guess with so many years passed and all the elders mellowed down with age, it doesn't seem as impactful! Also, my interactions with those relatives has all been positive, so I tend to not find these a huge deal.

    As an individual, I am an extremely social person... I constantly need people. I am always trying to get someone to visit us.... I think someone like @Rihana, if she came to my home, would find me to be quite a pest! Thankfully, my husband doesn't mind that either. Among our friends, we were among the first to be married, and I used to constantly play hostess for all my husband's friends....and I guess they also found it extremely convenient to have home cooked meals pretty often. We are extremely lucky that way to have found some very good friends.

    I don't know how exactly to answer your question, I don't know that I have had to make any special efforts to keep up these relationships. My interaction with kith and kin has largely been positive, so I have never had a reason to isolate myself. Since I was brought up like that, my kids also share a pretty close relationship with both sides of the family.
     
  9. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV, firstly are you sure you want close relationship with many people? The reason I ask is, we dont usually get along very well with a lot of people. If you are, then great but mostly, we tend to stick to like-minded people.

    After getting married, I noticed that most of the socializing happens as couples. I am not saying we dont get girl time or guy time. And yes, maintaining a relationship takes time and effort. I have a positive relationship between my sister and we talk almost every other day. With cousins, its usually its social media.

    I seem to be comfortable with this setup. I dont think I will enjoy having compnay every weekend or so.

    Not sure if i answered your question or i was simply rambling away.
     
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  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV - Thanks for the tag. I would have missed your post otherwise.

    I come from a big family. We are 30 first cousins on one side of the family. I have nieces and nephews who are close to my age as well. It's exhausting keeping track of everyone. My Mom seems to be aware of what each of her siblings and their kids, grandkids and great grandkids are up to. She keeps us informed. I just keep in touch with the family in the U.S by phone every other week. The only people I constantly talk to are my parents and sibling. I don't even talk to my PILs a lot these days.

    All said and done, when the family gets together under one roof every two years it's like we never parted. Especially the cousins that you grow up with, you may grow apart but those bonds formed over childhood never break. They give me a lot of moral and emotional support. Of course, there are people whom we were never particularly close to. I never talk to them much.

    Actually, I have good friends that I can count on. Since I talk to them more than family, I get quite a lot of support from them. My friends know more of my daily struggles or my triumphs more than my family. Cousins do have an overall idea but not an everyday picture.

    The difference between family and friends is that family is what you get. You can't change them. But you have the option of picking your friends. Friends are very important in life. During these tough times, had I not had a social circle I would have crashed and burned. I suggest you start having your own small group of like minded friends. I know siblings stay nearby and mom is around too but having your own friends are important. Your siblings may not get along with everyone you get along with. So have one day every few weeks where you get together with friends. You don't need a ton, it can get hard to manage. Just a few will do. They should ideally bridge the gap that family leaves behind. Btw, I never socialised with colleagues outside of work too much. We did get invited over and we invited a few people over too but it never clicked much. People I'm friends with are those that I met because of my child or because we lived close by or a few from the temple. Work colleagues for some reason when the spouse gets added to the mix it just didn't work out.

    Im sorry I wasn't of much help :(
     
    sindmani, hrastro, Sparkle and 2 others like this.

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