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How Do You Deal With A Sexless Marriage ?

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by madras2018, Jul 24, 2016.

  1. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    A recent thread on this forum triggered off a furious online morality battle on how a woman must have dealt with her sexless marriage.

    This reminded me of Dan Savage's columns (for those of you who don't know who he is - here's the link ) and one particular column on sexless marriages that went viral. The article dealt with a man in a long-term sexless marriage (18 years) for various un-resolvable reasons. The advice that Savage famously gave was "

    "Do what you need to do to stay sane".

    So my query to the spouses on this forum who may have experienced a sexless marriage (long term or short-term) - how do you deal with it ? Divorce ? Celibacy ? Open Marriage ? Affair ? Self Help ? Vent-Calmdown-Repeat ? Therapy & Counseling ?

    Note -

    The purpose of this thread is purely as a means to create a meaningful, constructive discussion that might be helpful to anyone now or in the future who find themselves in such a situation. If nothing at least people can take solace in knowing they are not alone in a problem that seems to be rarely discussed in our real lives.

    Do - Share your experiences,
    Hell No - Criticize other poster's personal choices or actions.
    .
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2016
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  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    How would you deal with a love less marriage, or a disrespectful marriage? Those are issues too. Not just sex (I get it that you had to deal with a specific situation in prior instance).
    Anytime you have issues - you have to try and work it out with your partner, or if irrevocably broken (due to other partner adamantly unwilling) - then inform him/her that the marriage is over and you are moving on in life. Be transparent that its over rather than clandestine ways.

    (If the issue is MEDICAL due to an accident or serious health, then one would expect the healthier or non-injured spouse would be the more magnanimous one in supporting the injured person - this is a given , if they love each other. And the lack of intercourse can be dealt with in other way, including masturbation or other forms of pleasing each other, if needed). POINT IS - we are making sex as a huge solo topic - just because some OPs may have had to deal with that specific issue.

    MEDICAL/ACCIDENT can affect MANY OTHER things in life, and loving spouses carry on the commitment and dont point the blame at HEALTH/INJURY of the spouse to break vows.
     
  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Throw at it all that you have. Consider all options - including an open relationship. Discuss.

    If libido doesn't match and the other partner is happy with affection and not intimacy, great.

    However be cautious that it could easily happen that they meet someone else where sparks fly and it's not fair to ask them to stay.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    No, sex is not being made as a huge solo topic just because yada yada yada.....

    OP has framed a specific question and it is about how people deal with a sexless marriage. I think it is rarely discussed here in a general context, it is mostly as part of one poster's particular situation.

    Good topic, madras, and succinctly phrased.
     
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  5. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @madras2018

    Good thread and thanks for sharing Dan Savage’s column.

    As I have mentioned previously I have 9- month old and sex has become a task. Right around 6th month into the pregnancy I lost my sexual libido and right now I am tired all the time. I do 70% of the household and 100% of the childcare. So, my H gets why the dry spell exists. Its been a year that we haven’t been intimate as much as we like.

    During my pregnancy- my H started to work out- right around 7th month. This helped him quite a bit and I made delicious food for him all the time. All his favorite food all the time. I didn’t want my H to feel he isn’t been cared for.

    After the baby.. yea I haven’t done much cooking for him (his diet plan changed too). But we recently had a talk about this issue. My H and I concluded that this is a short-term phase with the baby and life being chaotic. Currently, we are doing couple stuff like watching TV together/we even work out together/ he cooks on weekends while we pour wine and sip.

    “Do what you need to do to stay sane” This is the best thing for short term dry spells

    My 2 cents- Good communication/ open mindedness/ patient/ willingness to adapt to new situation ( from both the partners) is what’s required for a good marriage to succeed.

    At one point or another most couple have dry spells- be it pregnancy or health issues or emotional issues or life just happens. Before stepping out of marriage I think the couple should evaluate if the partner always felt less libido or recent changes in lifestyle or body has caused this kind of change. They should insist on their partner to seek help. Try to get creative, adapt to new ideas, put the same energy into doing different stuff (sexually and non-sexually)

    I wouldn’t encourage open marriage/ affair or divorce unless one of the partners just refuses to accept that there is a problem/ seek help/explore how to make things better.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2016
  6. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Rihana, @blindpup10 Thanks for understanding the question as it was meant to be & sharing responses.

    I invite posters to consider 2 scenarios where this plays out and address how they have or might have handled it.

    Scenario I - Couple married with no kids yet-but woman worried abt planning kids in no sex marriage - there are several threads on IL that match this eg:
    @happinesjourney Confused about our relationship & time to plan for kids
    @burningsoul Life is a question mark for me
    @praks Physical intimacy issues
    @Miya Are we really husband and wife ?
    Is this relationship worth it ?
    @archangel Husband impotent

    Scenario II - Couple married with kids - divorce may not be a real option for a long time due to kids
    there are several threads on IL that match this description eg:
    @ats Shoud I stay in this marriage
    @WomanInSearch Room-mate husband
    @Mangojuice100 Anyone separated due to intimacy issues
    @Awife Dh - physical intimacy
    @snehalJoshi I suspect my husband is gay

    I appreciate the response that we have on this thread but I hope we can elicit responses more from the ones who are actually in a sexless marriage and how they have coped all these years. If you belong to a sexually satisfying marriage, please imagine yourself in one of the two scenarios seriously before posting.

    The fundamental purpose of this post is to serve as a resource for Indian women (and men) who are in such situations. This is highly relevant because arranged marriages and its ensuing risks (i.e sexual compatibility) is not going to end soon, women tend to fret more because of their higher stakes (self + kids) and because sexless marriages are a reality, let's not kid ourselves.

    NY times once published an article "When sex leaves the marriage" receiving a mammoth 1426 responses from men and women in such marriages. I highly recommend anyone in this situation to look up the comments just to get an understanding that they are not alone. and get a handle on how different ppl are dealing with it (or not). Get on Quora or Reddit's deadbedrooms thread and you'll see another avalanche of such stuff. The point is this problem is real and it is serious enough that posters should desist from shaming people for their honest sharing of their experiences. It is the authentic personal stories that make IL or any discussion board worthwhile.

     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2016
  7. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    @blindpup10 - It's incredible how you have handled it as the low libido partner at the moment. Your post stands out because you've shared the actual bits of how you communicated through actions (cooking, shared activities) besides talking that you are trying to meet his needs and please him as a partner in other ways. Also I liked how you mentioned that you made it clear to him that it is a short-term situation.

    Thanks for sharing :)

     
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  8. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @madras2018-

    Thanks for the appreciation. However I have to say that- this transition hasn’t been easy. I have mentioned the results not the process of the struggle- the emotional/ body change and I still have no clue what my H went through.

    I give 100% credit to my H through this process.

    During my pregnancy, I had no clue what my H was going through. It was always about me. I picked up cooking his favorite dishes when someone in my family mentioned “pregnancy/ post pregnancy” is the time men stray. I still don’t know why my H picked up to work out. Throughout my marriage I haven’t seen him work out. He just started to work out and is consistent about it.


    2 to 3 weeks ago my H and I had a talk- its not like we both sat down and decided this is the issue on the agenda. The whole topic took 2-4 days for us to conclude. After pregnancy woman’s body changes so drastically that woman’s body need time to feeling sexual.


    Non-intimacy in a marriage is a very delicate topic to talk about even with an understanding H. As pregnancy/ post-pregnancy body changes so much that it’s like rediscovering my body along with a good hormonal rollercoaster ride! Meaning- I didn’t know what I wanted/ what my body was turning to be/ why/ when will it be normal. With so many unknowns it is hard for me to even process how to put it into words for my H to understand what I was going through.

    The process has been a struggle and thank god he has been patient and helpful even.

    I think that is the reason why this issue is always my way or the highway topic.
     
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for starting up this topic. It is indeed very much needed for many!

    Even in a normal marriage, certain external or internal forces changes your interest for sex. There are times when sex takes the back seat, and it becomes a work.
    It happened in our marriage too.

    Right after my second DD was born, I felt so weak. The gestational BP refused to go down even after the delivery. This complicated the healing process of the body. So, I ended up having c-sec infection and fatigue almost all the time. This is in addition to the tiredness and sleep deprivation of being a new mom. Oh.. Did I tell you about the mental agony of going through 6 months of waiting time to know whether my newborn DD's hole in the heart signs will vanish on its own (Thank God, it got healed on its own btw).
    And I was already a mom of a toddler. Plus all the usual family problems, such as in laws, parents, absence of maid etc..etc... and work site problems although i was on maternity break (they kept on disturbing me time to time on old case files).
    So, honestly all I needed at night was some sound sleep. I didn't want to wake up in between or even spend a few mins for sex by the time I hit the bed. I didn't want to make even a tiny noise which could wake up my newborn, resulting zero night sleep.
    Frankly I felt nothing about my H's urges, but hated sex altogether.
    My H was calm. In fact, like the above poster, I didn't do anything to please him otherwise (no good food, nothing). I had no guarantee whether my libido will return or not.

    But after 6 months, things got settled slowly. Firstly with my DD's problems got vanished. Secondly I was free from BP and other problems. My life span started to get regularized with work and family routine. Fixed maids, caretakers (mom) for the kids etc etc made me feel normal after a while.
    So, I accepted sex for the sake of my husband. For a year or so, sex was a work for me. I did not like it at all but all I did was to accept my H to take whatever he wanted from my body. I would just patiently wait or do what he wants me to do, but did not participate in the act at all.
    I felt it is gonna be like this forever. But it was not a problem for both of us then. Even my H did not know what I am going through.

    2 years after that, things fall in the right place. A thorough diet program made me fit. Plus I joined Yoga classes in the mean time. Being religious helped me to let go so many problems; which caused stress.
    In the mean time it became possible to take a career break for 2 years; thus settling at home with kids seemed heaven to me.
    Slowly everything in life turned back to normal in our life. I felt like having the control button of my life by that time.

    God knows how... but my libido returned in the mean time. I have started to enjoy sex, and wanted it more. It pleased my husband hence we grew closer. Only this time I was able to communicate my old problems of hating sex with him. He made so many efforts to please me this time around; thus he thinks it was his mistake that he didn't do anything to bring back my libido. But I know it was hormonal.

    Whatsoever, we are happily enjoying our second, third and fourth honey moon after having 2 kids right now.

    Sex is important, so is the other matters of life like love, respect and affection.
     
  10. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV - Thanks, it was nice reading about your life experience on this topic. What I liked both about yours and @blindpup10 is how you framed the problem, describing how you felt both physically and emotionally, how your husband reacted, then how you went about successfully managing this at your own pace, eventually with a solution that met your partner's needs and your own. Now that's good problem solving !

    Going back to my original question of "how do you deal with a sexless marriage", I think I should add "COMMUNICATION" to the list based on your response. At the time that I started the thread though I was focused on long-term sexless marriages where communication had failed. But both you and @blindpup10 put a much-needed spotlight on this important topic of post-partum low libido that new moms face. So thank you for that. I hope it helps any new moms now or in the future.

     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2016
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