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How Do U Manage In Such Situations.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sindmani, Jun 22, 2017.

  1. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    How will u manage when a person gossips unnecessarily to u about others and gets relieved and little pleasure about others sufferings. I know may be u would not have had such people around u. But it is taking a toll on my head when my mother in law rather than talking good things to me always in phone , she says about some really unwanted things examples
    1)a ran away with b. I changed the topic but she but kept on talking. I felt miserable.
    2) her sis in law's, dil who got her first child but born with out life(premature but could not be saved in 6 months). She said she is relieved now as it serves right for her sil whom she hates. I sympathized that akka and a bit shocked to which she was even sarcastic. It again affects my health. I get vomiting when I hear such things and her reaction. Sometimes my stomach gets a burn when I hear such comments.

    3)When something like women sexual harassment news comes she keeps lecturing that young women are not well dressed, so harassment is present. I was bold that day and asked her to kindly stop this such talk ,victims are really in a sad state. It is not about dresses but perverted mindset of men .
    Child abuse and women abuse is a big problem. So kindly stop the talk. As I am not healthy to talk more.
    4) my family friend bro(k)
    was about to get married to a doctor. She says since k (chartered accountant)is not a doctor , k may end up in a divorce. Doctors marrying doctors is good. Why ur aunt is doing this marriage and not seeing some other girl.

    I think I will go in to depression if hear more . Now I talk only when my husband is near. She won't talk such non sense. Can I guide me how to handle with out getting emotional and I get heart beats higher and breathing problems too after such incidents.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2017
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  2. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    My cosis also same.
    When your ml talks this way ,cut the phone.keep doing this till she gets the point.
     
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  3. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    MyGod if i cut the phone she will make many more calls to me or say that I am not talking properly to my husband.. If I change the conversation also she does not get the clue. I am planning to say her directly that please don't talk something bad about others to me. Lets talk good things about our lives as well as others. Talk about ur friends etc. Hope she will get the guist.
    Actually I feel terrible After the conversation sometimes I am lucky she stops the talk when I deviate the topic. I start asking about her cooking skills . but in long run to put a full stop to all this will be talking directly my views. She will make a big deal. But it is worth my peace.
     
  4. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    When she calls you / you call her, start off by saying you have only about 5-10 mins to talk since you have to go somewhere important or have an appointment, that way, even if she starts her stories, you already planned your exit, so it won't be awkward for you to end the conversation quickly and she won't feel bad.

    How about you navigate / control the direction of the communication? Have a list of topics to shoot her questions about : weather, how they are doing, general politics, your day to happenings. Don't let her stray in the conversation even for a minute, keep her focused. Not sure if that would work, but a constant blaster of questions should not give her any time to gossip.
     
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  5. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    She is good in current affairs . I change to such topics but in vain . once she starts it tough to change. So I mange enough that she doesn't start. So I try to converse about her reading . I thought her to read her faviurite stories online. I used to make her watch good entertainment movies like English vinglish when I am with her . Honestly I feel she is really talented and I usually tell her to start writing stories too for a community magazine. My uncle is chief editor for that. She is good in writing. But seriously when ever I talk such things won't interest her. May be my hard work is not sufficient to make her feel good about herself. Yes I am confident if her talents are pooled towards good things and her life, her health, her hobbies she can be happy.
     
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    First of all, try to be bold and practical.
    You can't change your MIL or anyone with this kind of syndrome. It is their problem, and they are build this way. They seek some pleasure at someone else's pain.

    But you can change yourself. You can change the way you respond to this kind of matters when spoken before you.
    Instead of feeling miserable, vomit and have burning sensation in the stomach, you try to accept these characters as who they are.

    We read and sometimes see clips of videos of such worst incidents daily. In the social media, they share as if these news can spread awareness.
    Although they are cruel, you can't avoid these news in today's life.

    There is accident daily. There is death, there is war and what not. All the bloody news that comes with painful stories.
    What to do?

    If not your MIL, some others or other media will shove these news down your throat.

    However, you don't need to entertain them. Just cut it short, and pretend as if you are not interested in discussing them further.
    Change the topic, or make excuses so that you don't have to hear the full news.

    Don't counter argue or reason things with someone who purposely do this. They will not listen.
     
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  7. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    I think your MIL just need to vent such thoughts and feelings to someone and you have become scapegoat here.
    Next time she says something good abt a person, you will feel bad cuz she is pointing out the good also or that she is comparing others with you and showing others are doing well.
    Is there anyone else who can sit and gossip with her? For our senior gen, since they passed their toughest phase with flying colors, they will be on cloud 9 and any small mistake others do might give them satisfaction that they were never victim to such mistakes.
    If not this gossip, what would you like to talk or hear from her which will keep the conversation for atleast 30mins?
     
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  8. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you shouldn't try to change your MIL because:
    1)It cannot be changed
    2)You will be in her bad books if you disapprove her attitude.
    Best thing is to ignore her talks ,and try to change the topic as best as you can. Now since you pregnant, cite some the pregnancy symptoms as a reason for not being able to talk for long time. And also once your baby will be born you will become quite busy that you will really not have time to hear her talks.

    And one important thing. Dont ever try to teach your MIL something and keep focussing on it. They will never like to learn from their DILs and even if they learn they will not like to disclose it or discuss about it because their ego gets hurt. Atleast that is the case with my MIL. In the initial days of my marriage I tried to involve her in some some Youtube videos related to her health issues and all. All I got was some comment about how the treatment/remedy is not feasible. And she always ensured that she behaves as if she knows many things atleast in front of me,to show that she doesnt have to learn from me.That time I decided its not worth the pain and left it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2017
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  9. minn1

    minn1 Silver IL'ite

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    Or simple i know it is very bad to do but if u feel rite u can try

    say that her son ur husband is not feeling well and sometimes have headache etc and sometimes bad things happening like minor accidents etc and that u fear it mite be some curse if we bad mouth others.
    At the end make her feel there is some problem with her kids also and that everything is not hunky-dory.These kind of ppl will understand others pain or shift their focus only when something happens to them.
    Let her live with tension that everything is not well with her family also, atleast then she can empathise.

    Please note: I know iam being evil;):yum:
     
  10. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    About you first:
    Vomiting, miserable, affect health, stomach burn, depression, getting emotional, get heart beats higher, breathing problems - these all seem a lil extreme reactions for bad gossips. Are you getting worked up due to the bad news or the fact that you mil is enjoying these bad news?

    When you come across bad news, tell yourself that it didn't happen because of you or your mil (I hope). You had no part of it. So you may sympathise for them and not spread the gossip when your mil tells you.

    Life is filled with good stuff and bad stuff. It's not possible to shut our ears or eyes all the time through out our life, as our TVs, radios, newspapers, news apps even Facebook shares the worlds good and bad news for us to read/ see / hear. You don't have to enjoy it, but it's better to learn to handle it when you hear it.

    About your mil:
    The reason she may talk like this could be also because she may have suffered directly or indirectly from some of these people.

    When something bad happens to the people who wronged us, your mind goes "oh, so bad stuff does happen to bad people too. So god is watching". It's kinda that mentality. And her telling you is kind of boasting that way. Also she may see you as a gossip partner. And gossips includes the good and the bad.

    My mil talks good and bad stuff about the relatives too. If I have something good to say, I add in. If not, I go with "oh" "is it" "hmm" "dats bad" kinda comments, if it escalates I just become a silent listener and try to ask about somebody or something else.

    With in laws, direct approach may backfire as their ego does play a huge part despite how good or bad they are. They don't like to be pointed as wrong as they believe they are always right. She maybe talking like this to other family members too. N only if you complain, it may turn against you as being too fragile or dramatic. You may have to approach this carefully as you don't want it come back to bite you even years later.
     
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