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How Do I Work This Out ?

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by anika987, Sep 12, 2019.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Do you really want to work? Or do you want to go for job just to prove a point to society and family and daughter and husband and get respect ( I totally understand your feelings even if you do )?
    NO: others have given good suggestions to deal with nosy friends and relatives who comment on your SAHM status...I'm a homemaker and SAHM too and I really appreciate what sahms do for their families..I do get a few questions now and then but till know I've not been insulted like that by a one..I usually just reply that I w at to give attention to family for sometime then think if career...or that I'm waiting for good opportunity etc..mostly people don't probe further ..
    YES : then accept the job offer and go for it...initially the pay will be less but if the job is interesting and you like it your self confidence will improve...you will feel good about being financially independent etc..initially work life balance maybe tough but maybe after a while you'll figure out how to manage stuff..of course lot of key will be spent on after school care and you would be super busy and tired but if u enjoy the work and if the career growth is good why not? What if you are able to get good work experience and salary increment in this job ..what if this work exp helps you to get a lucrative job in another company when you decide to make a career change..30 minutes drive is ok compared to some ladies who have to drive 30-40 miles etc for work..you know in India., it takes me 1 hour just to travel 4 - 5 km due to heavy traffic! Can you give it a try...if you're unable to manage and you feel you don't like the job or feel happier as a home maker you can always quit...and try again when your child is slightly older or try for part time and wfh jobs after a break...
    ( I wanted to reply in an encouraging way, this is what I'd have told if my close friend or sister was in same situation)..
     
    Thyagarajan, anika987 and Angela123 like this.
  2. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    @anika987

    If you want to work badly, accept the job, see how it goes and if doesn't work out for you quit. This is a free country. It is high time to brake free from Indian mind set of what would people think if i do this. If you are a SAHM by choice, you should be able to explain that to anyone who asks, that includes your daughter. Everyone will have a question no matter what /how good your job is or not. People always pick what is not good with you. If you are not happy about yourself, you are going to feel bad whenever someone asks you a question about job or how you take care of family.

    Now, for the job, do they give you flexible hours? If so it would be a good start and you can look for better jobs starting from there. Also, you will make a lot of contacts when at a job, than staying home and trying to network, this is necessary if you are actively looking to enter work force now or later.

    Apart from the salary, the work experience you get from any job is great when you look for other jobs, starting from there. So I would take it.

    For school half days, you can enroll them in after school, if that works for you. That's what I do.
    Activities on school days, try to move around so that they start late enough for you to get them there.

    Or when you start work may be ask your manager if you can take 30 min lunch hr instead of 1 and leave 30 mins early.

    Like you, I do not have any family here. My husband travels a lot, so my kid goes to before and aftercare at school. I tweak my work hours to get her to all her activities (she has 5), sometimes we are a few minutes late, sometimes we miss sessions. But that's is ok. This is us trying to have it all.
     
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  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks dear..I am also looking for part time and applied for work at home too..
    I am waiting it out for some
    More time..
     
    Needtobestrong likes this.
  4. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Salary is too less just $10 per hour..putting 9 to 5 with no help seems uncomfortable..that’s one of the reason too
     
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Anika, you do realize that while you are twisting yourself in knots and worrying yourself silly about what others are thinking/saying about you, they are out there merrily carrying on with their own lives? Are they worrying about what think of them? Are they changing their entire lifestyle because of what others say?
    We all have one life to live. Time with our kids is precious and will never come back. You are in a very fortunate position in life to make choices not available to many others. Do you really want to sacrifice all this for the sake of others' words?
    Just watch: when you start the job their tune will change to how you really don't need to work and how you are selfish for putting your needs over your child's.
     
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  6. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Finest Post Winner

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    hi @anika987 ,

    i have been reading your first post and the subsequent responses . all have come up with excellent responses to your query . So i would first say sorry if my response here seems confused . but i will try based on my experience .

    From where i stand i must say that you are very lucky as someone above said in terms of having to work being an option and not a necessity . And your H being supportive of it . Thats all one would need to be content with the situation i believe that your immediate family should be in agreement to your decision or wish. So what remains is how well you tackle everyone else . Believe me I am as bad and anxious about it as you can imagine and still suffer with it . So if you practice handling people with the help of many ideas above , you would be good i am sure .

    Now coming to the other side of it . For me job was an absolute necessity , still is and will remain so. And yes I also want to work . I understand our situations are very opposite (more so i didnt have a child at that time so adjustments were easy) but i see many personal traits of me in you so telling you this . When I first started working 3 yrs back i worked in a nearby indian jewelry shop part time for $6.50 for few hours a day few days a week. Then I got into a grocery shop as a cashier for $9 an hour for six hours a day five days . From there i got into another place with 13$ which increased to 18$ and then $21 . All the while i didnt drive . I would have take public transit which would take 2 hours or so for a ~30 mins or less of a drive. All this while i didnt have a child with me. But i was trying for one . So all the money that was left after taxes and uber when necessary to get to work would be spend on ttc treatments. First two years i had only ~100 or max 300$ left some times after everything . Then baby came and the day care . By this time after I pay for the day care and some other expenses I would again be left with same 200-300$ . And in the past year of her arrival and me joining back after my leave , i have arrived at my work at 4am by taking uber at 3.30am so that i can leave early enough to pick her up by 630p . All the while my husband used to drop her at the day care in the morning which is a big help he did for which i am grateful. He would too say that whats the use of me working , just leave it and sit at home . No , i cant do it ever i said. I always had nanny's in my contacts who i can call if he backed away from morning help.
    Why I am telling you all this . I understand that from your place a lot of things that i did might sound extreme and thankfully you dont have to do much of it . But what i am trying to tell here is that no matter how much i made every place i worked for and people i met paved a path for me to get to the next step. If you think you would want to work in the future when your child reaches middle school taking some steps now might help you along the way. And believe me when i say that i am one of the most intellectually challenged people you would ever know . I always that perhaps this is my destiny , this is the most i would ever get . But you can make it better for you. If not work , you can enroll yourself in some course that interests you in a local county college . I guess its not very expensive. And you would be in a better position to look for a job that suits you when you are ready. If not , i know this is very impractical but think of any low paying job as a stepping stone for your future . You wont be in it forever . Once you think that you want to do it for yourself you would be able to manage all else . You would be able to find a way out of all the after /before school classes and everything else. And who knows how well you can grow in it .

    Finally , you are in a very fortunate position of being able to decide if you want to do it or not . I wish wholeheartedly that you get enough strength to manage all the pesky people and life a live that you love .
    However if you think you want to try this out , give yourself few weeks or months and see how it goes .
    Best wishes . May you be peaceful and content either ways .
     
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  7. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Finest Post Winner

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    yes thats so true ... you will listen to something or the other no matter what you choose . because in most cases it would be nothing but mere jealousy at what you have in terms of your H , lifestyle and home in general.
     
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  8. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    I dont know about your place but where I am, If you haven't worked for a while, it will be difficult to find jobs, in the first place. It is about getting started and your drive to get a job. There will be hundred reasons why you can't work. You will have to find one reason that you would want to go to work. Without that, any job will be inadequate. There is a lot of juggling between job,home,kids activities and stress when kids fell sick and one partner travelling etc.There are a lot of women and men who put in 9-5 (mine is more like 7-5 including commute) or more including commute, without any help. They rely on daycare, nannies or even friends. when you get started and have a routine, everything will fall in place. It is all about finding a balance.
     
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  9. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP,
    You are blessed to have a very supportive husband. You don't have any other serious issues in life than these strangers/acquaintances. But you are ruining your life by thinking about others comments or words...Is it due some insecurity in you/ low confidence /self esteem issues, I wonder. You need to figure it out and work on it.

    Create a who cares attitude. Learn to ignore or stop them by saying 'I don't want to talk bout it,let us talk something else' or diplomatically ask questions to them and divert topic or neglect those negative people. Improve skills to tackle negative persons. Dont take their words to heart and allow them to make you unhappy. Listen and leave through other ear. Be bold and smart.

    I have never faced those kind of questions in US.
    Others have given you excellent advice. It all depend on what exactly you want. You need to figure it out.

    1) If you don't want to work - accept it, be proud of your decision. No matter what others say, it should not affect you. Many women would love to be in your situation. So be happy with it. But I feel you are insecure about it that why you are comparing with others. Be proud. Its your life and your decision.

    2) if you want to work in future - then take it even if its small. It will give you exposure to the system, you will learn how to handle situations/people. This can be a stepping stone to good jobs.. Also high chance for getting more contacts and references. If I can manage everything(work+job+home+kids+no help) , you can also manage , job, home with some planing, its my belief. You can depend on after school care, its available in most schools. At this stage dont worry about financial benefits. Consider it as a training period. Nothing is free and easy, it take some effort from our side to succeed. If you are not happy with it you can go back to option 1 anytime. But I feel, taking this job, will improve your confidence and anxiety issues.

    Good luck
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2019
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  10. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Peer pressure seems to be the root cause!
    I'm sure the neighbour who annoys you by questioning is not gonna manage your kid, her pick up drop to school,your husband's tight schedule etc then why even come under pressure from her?

    If someone asks you something which is not comfortable for you do one of the following
    1) pretend you didn't hear
    2) counter question with a smile
    3) Sarcasm works most of the time.
    4) Give it back to them with a calm and smiling face
    5) walk away as though what they said didn't fall on your ears
    6) change topics.

    If they ask you about job ask them what they had for dinner. Let them realise that you are not interested in entertaining their questions.

    But never give an explanation because no matter what you explain they'll never make an attempt to understand it from your perspective . That's why you are getting tired giving explanation.
     

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