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How do I make him understand

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by crazysans, Feb 3, 2012.

  1. crazysans

    crazysans Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    This might not look like a big problem to most of you, but I just wanted to learn how to let my husband understand my feelings.

    I am pregnant now at the end of first trimester and also a working woman. My husband is supportive in most cases, just that I need to ask him to help me and he is ready to help. He is that type of a person, who never tries to see or understand my feelings unless clearly explained, either calmly or with a fight. Yes we often fight , which lasts for about 30 mins to hour at max :). He is a very rough and tough type of a guy, and never sees the need to handle girls in a smoother way.Also this is our second baby and he is very happy about it.

    Now the problems are
    - He never understands that I needed a warm touch. He doesn't even touch me these days, I am feeling crazy. I am feeling unloved, una ttractive etc
    - Though he helps me, he wants to help me only when we are alone, when there is somebody at home, even at this time he is very egoistic, to help me in kitchen etc.
    -I feel jealous&insulted when the so called friends / thier husbands asks me questions like, why your husband is not dropping you to work/ why he is not doing this/ that etc. I know they take care of their wives very well, even they are not pregnants, and also they have had theor own set of egos in their lives, Its just that they will not let the world know their differences or fights and always act lovey-dovey infront of others.

    - He never bothers what I am eating? Never cares if fruits are out of stock, or anything that I told that I wanted to eat. I always have to nag him which I don't like. When I say I am not feeling soemtimes he is calm and sometimes he shouts like why are you always complaining? But I have never heard a comforting touch or word from him so far, which I was longing for. Sometimes he makes jokes at me that I am eating too much, but my appetite has increased so much, that even if I don't want to eat I have to eat just to beat the feeling of nausea or dizzyness. Till date he never got anything by himself, that he knows I would love to eat. Its not about food, but its about that affection that I am waiting for.

    - Sometimes he unnecessarily shouts at me a daughter even when the reason is very small and can be told in a subtle /gentle way. I am a kind of person who always wanted to have peaceful environment at home and I can't see my 5 yo kid when he shouts at her. Even though its her fault, if I were to tell her I would tell her in a subtle way or would try to divert her before shouting etc. But always his first step is shouting.

    Its not that he doesn't care for me at all though. He offers to do the dishes sometimes, gives a shower to DD(only when what I ask for it).Helps me cleaning house sometimes etc, but I still feel like I want more care and affection atleast in this time, when I have nobody around to take care of me.

    How do I make him understand this? When ever I open my mouth to talk about this, we end up in an argument, and his immediate reply would be, I am already doing all these things, what else do you expect me to do? He never wants to talk - always gets in to arguments as if I am pointing out. Never tries to hear / understand my feelings.If I don't ask, I feel lonely and depressed sometimes and he will be watching TV / browsing etc doesn't even bother whats going on in me?Any suggestions?
     
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  2. manmathi

    manmathi Silver IL'ite

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    Women become very sensitive during pregnancy. Every women wants her man to be caring ,supportive and helpful in the kitchen. But not all men are like that and a few like ur husband atleast does them when asked for. You are not alone , be happy that he atleast does them on request. You are worried that he doesn't even touch u, may be he is scared to touch u, and worried that he may hurt u in the process. Tell him how u feel and also assure him that you won't be hurt nor will your kid be.
     
  3. indianinbayarea

    indianinbayarea New IL'ite

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    Hi Sans

    Try to make him understand lovingly that you are pregnant. When a wife is pregnant, the person she wants to be with her most is either her husband or her father.

    Maybe he is like that, I remember when my wife was pregant with our 2nd child. I used to see her cook and I used to feel bad. I always told her "let me bring from outside" "dont work too hard". I always used to tell her that eat as much as possible because you are not the only one. There is a life within you. I made sure I asked her what she wanted and I brought her everything

    Take him in confidence and ask him what is the problem. Ask him to get involved more in family affairs. Atleast he helps you when you are alone with him. Maybe he does not want to show that he is doing cooking and stuff in front of his friends..Ego..lol :)

    It looks like you are pregnant but his hormones are changing...:). Try to talk to him and find out and make him understand that he needs to get more involved? Was he the same during your first kid?
     
  4. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    Crazy sans, the secret of happiness in a relationship is not just from expecting things from your partner, but giving him those things too. I felt your post is very one sided. You have listed your complaints against your husband. Of things he is not giving you or doing for you. Perhaps you must sit down and do a list of things you give him/ do for him. Is there a balance? Whose list outweighs whose? You don't have to post it here but I think it will be a rational method for introspection.
     
  5. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Ladies,
    You already have a clear knowledge about your husband and personality.

    They are just your feeling and I don't think he had similar feelings :)

    -
    Do you get lot of guests home?In that case try to minimize calling the guests.If he had been the same way,things won't change today because of the pregnency.Only find solutions not to increase your work.By any change if your husband calls guest then go out for food then next time he will think before calling people.

    I didn't get it :bonk.May be you sensitive and they are taking advantage of you.They are just exploring you.Don't others explore you and your husband.



    -
    why don't you write down what you want on the paper and he will do grocery shopping for you.If you missing your DH,just sit with him and talk and you don't have complain on all these.You both can work toghere.If he is not that kind of person then he can't change today just becuse of the pregnency.Understand the way he is,and see what way you can get things done.If you want his time,just plan for movie or something what ever you like and spend time and rest you can plan the your family works.Don't fall for someone's comments and feel bad about everything.Just enjoy your pregnency.

    Even I had similar issue,but it's just there personality.We can't become them and they can't become us.Since he used for your care and work for the family,with the pregnency he might also getting streesed out with additional responsabilites .I am not saying he is right but it's just a personality.But my husband loves my DD's alot even though he looses his temper here and there.


    Is there anyway can you call some cleaners and reduce your cook,reduce cook ,pick up some food.Overall reduce the sterss and spend sometime with your family then you may feel good.Right now you might have very stressed with everything going around you.I know pregnency is very stressful.


    You can't change him.You need to accept the way he is and work around the things .He feels that he is doing lot for you.So there is no point of going around the things and asking to change.Instead ,tell what you want.Ok if he wanted you to drop at office,ask him for it.But don't wonder inside of you.But anyway,since you already have another kid,it's feasible all the time.Some people just talk for the sake of talking and they really don't think before they comment on someone.So don't loost your valuable peace.
     
  6. crazysans

    crazysans Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks Bukbuk,

    I understand your view, but to be frank, I feel I am trying to do whatever I can try to support him as a wife should do. Atleast he never complains that I am not doing so and so. Its just that he is tooooo cool about life and that he doesn't expect others to do something for him, neither he wants to go just few feet out of border to show his affection. For example if I say I want to make so and so curry today, which he doesn't like , he will not be happy to eat just for me. Neither he will say No. Just that sometimes he becomes so self centered

    ALso, I didn't mean to point only his negatives here, neither I want anybody to think so, and thats the reason why I explained what he does for me well before my complaints. This post is just to see if there is anyway that I can bring a small change in my husband's behaviour, as I am feeling lonely , which could be because as someone above said, my pregnancy hormones are making me a bit more sensitive, when otherwise I am more tolerant to same situation.
     
  7. crazysans

    crazysans Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks Priya for the very helpful insight.

    I understand where you are coming from, this is what I normally do, I keep asking for things like, I want to eat fries today, I want to go out for some fresh air today, I want you to hug me, etc. He sometimes does what I ask for or sometimes finds petty reasons and avoids. I am OK most of the time and I am used to all these. Its not that I am not happy with him, he has so many good qualities that I love about him and he does things for me which "he likes to do". But sometimes when I am sensitive, or my mood is bad, I feel very sad, thinking how many days I have to keep telling like this. Why can't he understand after so many repeated requests.

    If he asks me 4 times a certain thing then I understand that he wants it that way in so and so situation, then why can't he understand? The whole purpose of this thread is how do I make him understand that he needs to put in some efforts when I need him badly.WHy do I need to nag him all the time saying I want this to eat today etc. Why is there not at least one such a day where he brings certain things, which he knows I would love to get from him?
     
  8. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    To be fair to your husband, I don't find him self centered at all. In retrospect, my husband is very similar too. There were days when I thought he doesn't care enough for me, because like you said, I have to tell him what I want to eat today, he will take me out only after that but never guess in advance. This is just an example and there are so many things like this. But I have come to realize that this is just his nature. He is a typical example of men are from mars and I don't want to contest that or try to change that. I know that whenever I ask for something, he goes and gets that for me. Sometimes instantly. He is so kind and has never ever tried to hurt me intentionally. He has stood my be and supported me during the hard times. What else can I expect from a husband? In turn, I make sure I take good care of him and tell him everyday how much I love him, ad he reciprocates perfectly. So now, we have managed a balance. My secret to good relationship with one's dh is 'don't expect too much. Life is not a movie and neither are we actors. We are all people with real problems and situations to tackle continuously. Learn to give and learn to appreciate what you are getting'. Just my two cents. You can take it or leave it.

    A story I had read many many years ago goes like this - the women notices her husband loves her less and less lately. He responds less, always seems to be absorbed in his own thoughts, he seems to be noticing less and less that she is around. They both go to bed and she tells him - I love you. He just gives a week smile, turns away from her and goes to sleep. She is in tears. Her diary 'he has surely found someone else and doesn't love me anymore'.

    His diary. 'Damn! India lost the match again'
     
  9. radhavenkatesh

    radhavenkatesh Bronze IL'ite

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    hai crazysans
    hey after reading your mind you know what i was feeling ... one you should ask some help maybe ask your parents or his parents to visti you and stay with you for few days some change in your thoughts lifestyle and routine would be there...
    take care of your health and dont give thought to that he isnt understanding your feelings etc... all men are like then they never realise wot women want ..:)) unless they are told they wont knw and if u tell they react badly so its common and after few years if u read this post you willl laugh yourself .... just chill and dont give thought at all about whats running try to give more time for yourself your baby your health that is more important now... maybe your husband is tense or disturbed or having his own problems which you are not trying to see... or is the thinking y dosent she understand ?? like you..
    plan your day and time and be happy and he loves you isnt it.... and when love is there all these things jst fly away .. trust me and be happy see the world with open heart and mind and find happiness in small small things you will never think y he isnt understanding you... you change a bit and he will follow u...

    radha...
     
  10. crazysans

    crazysans Bronze IL'ite

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