How Do I Help A Resentful Lady?

I'm not sure she will be open to that either. I'm hoping she recognizes she's needing some form of help and works on it.

Thank you for mentioning this. I never thought about it that way. Yes, I've dealt with a lot of guilt and self-blame too and it took a lot of effort to get over that. I will definitely bring it up with her.

 

This is what I'm doing now. Taking a step back and waiting for her to evaluate her situation and ask me for specific help.

 

Thank you for stepping in Shanvy!

Ha ha! Who knows?

Our hubbies are long lost brothers? Kumbh ke mele me ghum hogaya types? Mine uses this dialoge often.

This is why I'm not completing cutting her out, because of thinking about it in those terms.

I will continue doing this!

She told me both of them are losing it and are punishing the child. That's when I broke and suggested the counseling. What's the use of spanking a child who doesn't have the skills to understand why he's being spanked. I can understand spanking for things like defiance when he knows what he's doing is wrong and still doing it. I just can't for a sped child who isn't verbal yet. Why spank because they are collectively losing their patience? Since I don't have access to the hubby I suggested counseling to her.

This is sad, I hope she is able to get some semblance of control. The therapists are really nice but I know them, having worked with them. They will lose it if the parents don't put in the effort. Ultimately it impacts the kid.

Will do!

So true. I'm going to do that. Running has been taking a back seat with people visiting and then this on the side. I'll try and head out today!

Fingers crossed!

 

I agree. I hope she gets the courage to deal with everything and also the mountain of patience she needs to deal with her son!

 

@Viswamitra sir,
Thank you for the personal stories. I love how your friend in India has found a way to serve the community. I have this lady who helped me when my son was initially diagnosed. She gave me a few tips that I since have tried to follow and one of the things that she did mention was that paying it forward does help us. Finding a community also helps a lot, which is why I've been trying to get this lady to connect with others like her. Looks like she isn't able to at all. I hope she finds the support and the help.

I think she has made up her mind that she's alone in this. I don't know her equation with her husband but she does mention most often that he isn't supportive. Sometimes, we have no way of gauging what that means. I steer clear of the partner topic because I've sensed resentment and I don't want to deal with that.
I like the roadmap idea. It's not about making her son fall into the normal category but rather accepting this as her new normal and working towards bettering it!

I was assuming that she probably knows this deep down. I had a rule back in the day when my son was newly diagnosed. I was losing it and before I could take it out on the kids I'd leave the house. If DH was here, I would just head out. If not, I would immediately call the emergency sitter. Similarly, when DH was having a hard time(which is a rarity), I would step in and he would go away. I have a feeling that these parents are feeding off of each other's anxieties. She has mentioned multiple times that they try to handle him together and then lose it together and end up spanking him and having a shouting match. I told her that taking turns with the kid to conserve energy was a good thing but its hard to let go. When my son is having a behavior and DH is handling it, even now I have to hold myself back. I assume it's the same with most moms. I will try and mention this in other ways to her. The happy mom equal happy child mantra!

 

That's what the therapists are trying. Just by talking to her, I know they are facing an uphill battle because she thinks his symptoms are very mild and not as severe as they are all telling her.

Which is why I was gently prodding to go to the therapist specialized in taking care of special needs parents. She knows the process and helps them cope while they find ways to help their child. Honestly, I get very annoyed when she says its a waste of money and they know nothing. Anyway, there are only so many resources to share. Groups, meetings, websites, books. Moms with older kids tell me how hard it was without these groups. It's a blessing. We do need to take the first steps and go there!

Yesterday my DH told me that you can take the horse to the water. You can't make it drink. I hope continued involvement in Kid's therapy will help her find purpose and get her into positive action mode. I've been reiterating that therapy is not standalone, we have to work at home. If we don't therapists know and they don't put in as much effort on your child!