How Common Is Lying. Please Advise.

You understood it perfectly! 100% Well put. Did you know anyone in your circle of friends/family who is like that? Even i am asking myself the question as to how I got involved into this mess. It's definitely a combination of impatience and a feeling that she was trustworthy . After we met on day 1. She invited me into her apartment within the first week of meeting itself. Less than a month afterwards, we decided to get married. She was pretty, seemed to be smart and also was into me. She was also very enthusiastic and on cloud 9. I felt she was honest, trustworthy and a straightforward person. When a person is trustworthy he assumes others and the people around him are also trustworthy. That was the mistake I made. Also, I carefully vetted all matches I got till her. But with her I felt at home and let my guard down. She mirrored my actions, tastes etc.

I should have gotten to know her for atleast a year before committing.

 

The 'harmless STD' that I got, 95% of the population will eventually acquire it. So, I will definitely mention it to the next person I date, if I date, but only after a few dates. It is really stupid to hide anything from your partner. The partner will come to know about it one way or the other. My ex might even contact her and say it.

There are certain changes I have noticed recently. I am not 100% sure it is related to an STD, but could be. I am going to get a biopsy for that. This one could be more serious or might be harmless. Keeping fingers crossed.

 

I was with her. I only came to know about her relationships, (not affairs) after her marriage. The drama was because of the lies, not relationships.

Casual dating means we both were not exclusive. We were not in a physical relationship. We were also getting to know other people as well.

I will always be truthful. I can't hide. That's just my nature. No point in staying with someone you can't trust. But, I will also not advertise it on the first day I date someone. I will ask her to get tested too.

 

I was not sure before, if I wanted to stay or leave. I think I will leave mostly.

Thanks for the perspective. Appreciate it.

Moderators: You can close this thread.

 

Update:

This might help others in a similar situation to mine. I think my wife has Borderline Personality. Everything matches 100% with my personal situation.

Just a quick checklist for BPD.

1. Lovebombing. They say they love you very quickly. Usually during the first week/month/days.

2. She has a LOT of values, interests and beliefs that are like yours(Mirroring their partners because they lack an identity and to avoid being abandoned).

3. She makes you feel very special and tell all of her friends and family that you are the best guy ever. Idealization phase.

4. Complains a LOT about back pain, stomach pain and headaches etc. Some go to the extreme by faking a disease.

5. An uneasy feeling when you spot an inconsistency in the story (not quite a lie)

6. Extremely sensitive can cry for small things.

7. Criticize them about anything, and see how she reacts. If the reaction is normal - acceptance, asking for clarification, defensiveness - its all good. If the reaction is extreme, you will start glimpsing what your life would be in just short while later

8. The idealization/devaluation pattern is also sometimes known as "splitting," or "Black-and-white thinking." This kind of thinking generally categorizes all people, places, and things as either the best or worst ever, with no shades of gray. This applies to the BPD sufferers themselves, too — a conflict with others can often make a sufferer view themselves as either a pure victim or the worst person who has ever lived (this may play a role in why self-harm and suicidal ideation are so common among BPD sufferers — up to 80 percent of BPD sufferers experience suicidal feelings, and between four and nine percent actually die by suicide).

I am going to have to meet her tomorrow to deal with some paperwork. I will meet with a therapist/counsellor to take their opinion about BPD. Will decide accordingly.

 

People who have healthy minds do not threaten suicide. They do not threaten violence/murder suicide either. Period!

There is simply no excuse or justification for that.

Like YellowMango and others said. When a partner threatens violence/suicide.. you just run!

They don't endanger their own life and their partner's life by suddenly driving recklessly over a minor argument.

They don't tear their partner's clothes, slap them and throw things around them in an out of control manner.

I have to be constantly on the guard and walk on eggshells around her all the time not knowing what will trigger her into becoming angry at what moment.


Some additional clarifications:

1. It's not bipolar disorder. It is borderline personality. Both have BPD as an acronym. Again, only a professional can confirm this.

There is a lot of difference between the two. Only those who actually lived with someone with a BPD will even have an idea.

2. I was only informing my parents and siblings that I would be divorcing my wife soon and mentally preparing them for it. Before this, I never shared any personal matters/fights between us with them as it is a private matter between the couple. And I am big on privacy. I only talked to them about this recently.

A lot of personality disorders are just extreme variations of normal common behaviors and they occur in really small percentages of general population. That is the reason why people rationalize it away. Only the partner and her own immediate family would know.

Lot's of people are neatness freaks. They keep their homes very clean and spend a lot of time on it. But someone with OCD does it in an excessive way.

Lot of people get sad. But depression is something else. Same thing with anxiety etc.

And likewise for a lot of things. Someone with a BPD has extreme mood variations. They have zero emotional regulations.

 

Final Update: Successfully divorced my wife few months back. I feel very peaceful. No more anxiety or fear about small things triggering her into rage. I am able to sleep properly again.