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How Common Is Lying. Please Advise.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by redorange, Jan 21, 2018.

  1. redorange

    redorange Senior IL'ite

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    Got married 9 months ago. Wife did not disclose about her previous relationship to me. Came to know from her emails/whatsapp about it. I did not feel bad that she had a previous relationship because its fine and there is nothing wrong with it. I felt bad because she particularly told me that she never had a boyfriend and that she cannot understand how people date one person before marriage and marry another.

    I confronted her about this. My intention was to make her come clean so we could move on. But she did not come clean. She was like, "I just liked that guy that's all. He did not reciprocate. If this is such a big deal to you you should have asked me before marriage itself."

    When I pointed to her chats, she went through it step by step and started telling me stories to explain it off. This drives me nuts. Like, she says those are just words and it meant nothing.

    Again, I told her that I understood what she was doing. That it is important that henceforth, going on forward she can't lie. Even if she lies, she should come clean if she is confronted about it. She is like, I never lied. I have no reason to lie. I will never lie.

    After a few months, its been a standard operating procedure. Anything I need further clarification on, that my gut tells me (for simple things) she lies. When I ask, she tells stories to explain it. I reached a point where I stopped caring anymore. I will just take whatever she tells me at face value. I have no more trust in her.

    I mean I am not going to beat her up or shout or scream at her if she is honest with me.

    I did not socialize much but is telling lies common? Is this normal behavior. Is it part of being a socialized person to be fake and put up a front and pretend everything else is going on well.

    Unfortunately, my wife says she is crazy in love with me and she can't live without me. I just need a decent person who is not fake and who lives in reality not a make believe fantasy to make themselves feel better.

    Do you know people like my wife. Or is this part of Indian culture to lie and cover up to save face?

    I told my parents and siblings about this and they are like some people keep lying. Just ignore it. Everyone dates before marriage like your spouse did. You need to get over it. Others are like create a safe space so she will feel comfortable telling the truth. So, it is because of me that she is telling lies?

    Can a marriage last without trust? Maybe there are people who can sweep things under the rug, tell lies to each other and put up a happy couple front for society and live happily. But I can't live a fake life like that.

    So, Indus Ladies, whats your take on this? If you/your spouse keeps lying about things from small things to big, would you be able to ignore it and live a happy life?
     
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  2. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh boy.. one more of those "how dare my wife have crushes or Bfs before marrying me?!!"

    Yes a lot of single people can be fake, shallow, engage in mildly flirtatious & even questionable behavior - because they are not accountable to anyone and there is no need to live up to somebody else's righteous moral code.

    Your wife is right. If a prospective spouse is this concerned abt such things he/she must ask about it explicitly prior to marriage without making assumptions.

    Nobody comes with a ISI quality mark just cos they come from hallowed backhrounds.
     
  3. redorange

    redorange Senior IL'ite

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    I never cared if my wife had a BF before me. I never even brought that topic up before the marriage. I had no assumptions about her past. She herself lied to me about her having no boyfriends. Then she shames other people who had boyfriends and then married another.

    It's the bare faced lies that bother me. Everyday lies about things small and big.

    If she stopped lying after marriage, I would have moved on. But the compulsive lying never stops.

    Yes a lot of single people can be fake, shallow, engage in mildly flirtatious & even questionable behavior - because they are not accountable to anyone and there is no need to live up to somebody else's righteous moral code.


    This is not a questionable behavior. It is perfectly acceptable to date other people. And she is not accountable to anyone about what she did.

    But she is accountable to the lies. If she lied then she needs to take ownership of it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2018
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  4. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Before marriage she had her own life and no one owned her life. So she did what she wanted to. Now if you ask or wish to know her past then that will disturb your present. You should not talk or think about this up to the time your wife is loyal to you. She at present is not talking to that guy and do not have any kind of contact with him then there is no issues at all. Tell her that you too trust her and love her and start afresh. Lying is not a normal habit but if one gets insecure then it comes automatic. One cannot avoid this even if he wants to. It come out at sudden moment with the feeling of insecurity and nervousness. Make her comfortable before it become her normal behaviour.
     
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  5. anuyogam1988

    anuyogam1988 Gold IL'ite

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    Hey if she has past relationship, that’s past. If there is a good friendship between husband and wife, there won’t be any secrets. If if there is secret about past, why can’t your respect and move on. You seem to be really close minded, that’s why she might have hesitated to share. My husband had past relationship, I never once felt bad about this. It’s his past. Past relationship is not a sin. People make mistakes and learn. So move on. And you shared about her past relationship with your parents and relations. Seriously? You really need to grow. You have done a big damage. If you are a sensible guy, you would have built a good friendship with your wife and tried to understand instead of damaging her image. I also don’t understand why should she talk about her past to a close minded husband like you. She is not a property, she is a human with feelings. If I were her, I would divorce. Better to live alone than with a close minded guy like you.
     
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  6. anuyogam1988

    anuyogam1988 Gold IL'ite

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    Grow up please!!! The more you try to damage her, you sound dumb.
     
  7. redorange

    redorange Senior IL'ite

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    She still kept contact with that guy after marriage.

    I have strange marks on my skin after becoming physically close to her. I am currently undergoing tests. I cannot even ask her if she used protection.

    I never wanted to know of her past. She told me her friend from the university was harassing her. That was the reason why I offered to take over her email account and block him/reason with him. And then this whole thing started. Again, this is reasonable and understandable.

    But even for everyday small things unrelated to this she lies. She lies to her friends, parents everyone.
     
  8. redorange

    redorange Senior IL'ite

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    I have decided to set her free so she can find someone grown up. I am ready to marry anyone who had 1000 previous boyfriends as long as they are truthful and honest.
     
  9. anuyogam1988

    anuyogam1988 Gold IL'ite

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    Why is she still in touch with that guy?Because you are totally close minded. Who knows may be that guy is threatening her knowing she has a close minded husband. And you mentioned about stretch marks? Why can’t you and her go to a sexologist and talk My god why do Indian girls marry close minded guys and spoil their life.
     
  10. redorange

    redorange Senior IL'ite

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    Stop being judgmental and confused. It's not a stretch mark. It is an STD! She kept contact with him even before I got to know of her past. You should seriously cool down. Take a deep breath and relax before posting without having proper reading comprehension,
     

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